DEAR 2013

Dear 2013,

If you were a person, you'd look somewhat like this:

Photo from Pinterest

Okay, maybe not that skinny. But you get the picture, right?  You'd be stylish, calm, collected and poised, with your beautiful shiny wavy no-need-to-be-blowdried-hair.  And everyone would turn their head while you strut around town in your sexy stilettos without worrying about blisters on your toes or ankles at the end of the night.  You are sexy and you know it.  You are worry-free and it's true.  You are reeking of awesomeness.

Thank you for giving me so much--a lot of which I had to work really hard for (hey, give credit where credit is due!). But nevertheless, thank you for opening up so many wonderful doors for me.

Thank you for making me believe in my body and what it is capable of doing.  For giving it the confidence to finish 2 half marathons this year. For giving me the strength to continue to run and lose weight in the process. I'd like to think that this is the best I have looked in the past 7 years (please feel free to correct me if I am wrong).

This year, you taught me how to bake and while I no longer bake as often as I would like to (too much sugar is bad bad bad. Diabetes runs in my family), I am very grateful for this new skill.

You gave me a really unexpected gift this year--an opportunity to do what I have always loved--going out, meeting and talking to people. It was not something I had asked for.  I don't even recall ever hinting that I wanted it.  I thought I had gotten too old for change. I thought that that ship has sailed. But thank you for knowing better than me.  Thank you for taking me out of my comfort zone and for planting me in a job where I am always on my toes. To say that I am happy for this chance to be challenged (sometimes infuriatingly) again in my career is an understatement.

Thank you also for making me fall inlove with myself again. I can't remember the last time I had so much fun just not being in a relationship.  So much fun that I surprisingly didn't miss being in one.  I don't know if you and Karma had a conversation but it seems that this was the year dear old karma worked in my favor.

You were tough too, at times.  The biggest git this year was having to force myself to say goodbye to someone I wasn't ready to say goodbye to. You took away my Uncle Dan, my dad's brother, the only person on this earth who didn't make missing Papa so hard because he was so much like him. He was always asking me and my sisters to visit him in Baguio but we never got around to doing it.

Sigh.

Anyway...

Thank you for my family's health and for helping my son continuously improve as the days go by. He is doing very well in school, better than I had predicted, in fact.  Thank you for making us laugh, sometimes at our errors. Thank you for keeping us safe, for always keeping us together and for never failing to give us what we need.

My favorite bit about you, 2013 was the wonderful relationships (old and new) that have blossomed within your months. My family and I grow closer everyday, even when we sometimes find ourselves breathing down each other's necks from a thousand miles away. Thank you for fortifying my friendships and for teaching me to learn to let go of the ones that no longer bring me positivity.

As you draw to a close, I can only hope that 2014 brings me more joy, learning experiences and enough pain to gather strength from.

I love you, 2013. You were a very good year.

Now, on to the next one.

BREAKING UP WITH A FRIEND

A couple of years ago I stopped talking to a very good friend because in the middle of a very stressful personal situation, he hung up on me.  I texted him right after to tell him how bad I felt that he would hang up on me at a time like that and he never replied.  Not even the next day or the week after. Before I knew it, a year had already gone by.

I still think about the kind of friendship I shared with him from time to time--of what a shame it is that he would just throw it all away like that.

I got a facebook message from him this year asking me if I was still mad. I didn't reply.  A few days before Christmas, he messaged me again saying, "Advance Merry Christmas". I still didn't reply.  On Christmas day, he sends me another message greeting me a Merry Christmas.  And yep, you guessed right--I still didn't reply.

Our common friends have been asking me why I haven't bothered to reply when he is obviously reaching out. And I tell them the same thing--If he can type something as long as "Merry Christmas", I'm pretty sure "Sorry" wouldn't require so much effort.

But then again, the latter would also require lowering something he has so much of: PRIDE. And if it has to take someone 2 years to message a friend who has always been there for him, I mean, really--what kind of a friend is that?

And no, don't even get me started on the whole real-friends-don't-need-to-say-sorry crap.  Manners are manners, period.

Among all those who have done me wrong, his was the only apology I was still hoping to receive.  And I guess that's one of the reasons why I never unfriended him on Facebook. But, well.

They say life gets easier when you learn to accept an apology you never got.  And looking back at the 2 years that we haven't been friends, I have gotten by very well.  I almost had the urge to call him a couple of nights ago and ask him out for drinks.  Just to thank him for reaching out.  But mostly to remind him why we are no longer friends, to let him know how awful I felt that day he abandoned me by hanging up on me in the midst of my distress. Just to let him know for one final time that so much time has passed and that I don't think we can ever be friends again, ever.

After all, time heals all wounds and as of date, the wounds I have incurred from that fateful day have already turned into scars--scars which I can no longer even see, unless I look very, very closely.

Maybe I should just send him this entry, noh?

Whenever people ask me how I'm finding my new job, I always say that I am not having fun--yet.

IT'S BEEN CRAZY!

I am almost never at the office.  My days are booked with meetings and client presentations, minimum 2 a day.  I sent an email to my sales team last Thursday asking them not to set any appointments on Friday afternoons so we can all meet and talk about what happened during the week and what our goals are for the coming week.  My skin is breaking out, I'm not used to wearing make-up everyday.  Gladly, my feet have gotten used to running in heels.

The upside of all this is, I'm meeting so many great people face-to-face.  My old job entailed talking to different people too, but it's usually just over the phone (as my clients were mostly abroad).  I am also learning so much from my colleagues who actually work for the other subsidiaries but have been helping out with the project.  Although I feel like I am still walking on eggshells with the people I work with, I am slowly warming up to them. Just the other day, I had a laugh out loud moment with my boss in the pantry and she jokingly slapped me on the arm.

I also had a one-day crush on someone at the office but I found out he's married after I stalked his Facebook (Dear Married Men, please wear your wedding rings!). No way in hell I'm going that road. What's funny is that I had a couple of friends over for drinks last week and I was telling them about this guy and they asked to see a picture.  When I showed it to them, one of them said "Oh Shit, it's ____!".  Turns out one-day crush is my friend's brother's bestfriend.  The world is too small.

Also, I finally got to take advantage of the cheap beer at work.  In all my years of working, I have never left the office buzzed, until yesterday.

I guess that's it. I'm sorry my life has been so blah.  Pray it gets more exciting in the coming months, yes?

Ciao!

TICK TOCK

I went to see an OB-Gyne (not my personal OB, but someone who was an affiliate of my health insurance) yesterday for my annual pap smear.  She says everything down there looks fine and then I mentioned that I felt a sharp pain before my last period so she decided to also give me a transvaginal ultrasound.

OB: This is your uterus, and that's your cervix, looks healthy and clean.  This is your left ovary and this is the right one. Ang ganda ng ovaries mo! See the follicles? You have plenty! Those will turn into eggs.  You can still have many babies.
Me: Uhmm, until what age can I get pregnant?
OB: 35.
Me: Ha? I only have 1 year?
OB: 34 ka na ba?
Me: Yes.  What happens after 35?
OB: You can still get pregnant after 35 but you'll be more prone to a high risk pregnancy.

Hear that?

Yep. That is the sound of my reproductive system ticking.

I can't imagine life without my sisters. When Papa passed away and when Mama moved to the US, life was easier because I had my sisters. Back when I was younger, my sister Marby and I would always cover for each other. And even now that we don't live together anymore, that bond has never been broken.

I want Joaquin to have the same remarkable bond with a sibling.  Maybe I'm being too hard on myself when I say this, but I would feel like somewhat of a failure if I cannot give Joaquin a sibling.

And I only have one freaking year, if I want a worry-free pregnancy, that is.

Well I'm pretty darn sure it's not happening this year.  And besides, I'm not yet desperate enough to do the deed with just anyone.  I want it to be with someone who I'm inlove with--unless of course, your name is Ryan Gosling, in which case, PLEASE, i-dirty dancing mo ako before you impregnate me.

But you know, God has a plan.  And I have always trusted that His plans are good.  So if He feels that I am destined to only have Joaquin, that is fine, for as long as He gives my son friends like mine. Because the friends I keep, are very much like family to me.

33: THE YEAR I GOT MY GROOVE BACK

I spent a good part of last night reading my entries and going through photos since my last birthday and I have to say that my 33rd year on this earth was the year I got my groove back.

This was the year I started working out again.

I started circuit training

The Plank

I tried TRX (not easy at all),

did muay thai for a couple of months, 

tried Zumba (what fun!)

ran in a 10k race

 and even learned how to use a gun.

And let's not forget that I ran my first half marathon.

Then there's also how I finally got over my previous relationship middle of last year after I found out I was played and lied to.  In the process, I've had to end my friendship with a number of people, including someone who I considered very, very close to me.  I have forgiven them but I no longer want to be friends, ever.

Joaquin and I also got to go on a lot of beach trips this year.

Camaya Coast in Bataan

Caramoan (yes, again!)

This time with our friends and their kids in tow. We can't wait to go back.

Carbin Reef, Bacolod

 and Tali Beach, Batangas

The Lord blessed my family with 2 new babies to love like crazy!

Renzo

and Jaico

One of the highlights of my 33rd year was getting to spend time with my mom and being reunited with my Tita Virgie. She jumpstarted by love for reading by buying me my first Archie comics and Nancy Drew when I was 7.

The Mothership

And if you've been a long time reader of this blog, you know I've been cooking and baking a lot.

Career-wise, I received high marks during my annual performance evaluation and my boss has talked to me about their plans for me at work and the good possibility of a promotion soon.

Remember that quote from Ally Mcbeal that goes, "If you think back and replay your year, if it doesn't bring you tears either of joy or sadness, consider the year wasted."?

I can recall how I welcomed my 33rd birthday with a very broken heart.  But that's the the thing about pain--the physical kind will hurt you but the other kind will change you. Now whether it's for better or for worst, that's really up to you.

As for me, year 33 taught me that sometimes, the wrong choices we make lead us to where we were really meant to be.  Like I was riding the bus of life and I got off at the wrong stop but ended up finding something better than where I was planning on going.

And I wouldn't have it any other way.

I know that we only get 1 birthday wish and mine is that Joaquin gets better.  It has and will always be my fervent prayer.  There is absolutely nothing I want more than my son being able to overcome his autism. My mom always reminds me to pray and to continue to believe in miracles. And I do. But if the Lord could grant me just one more birthday wish, and I know that this is also most of my friends' wish for me-- it's that I find someone who will accept me, make me happy and will always choose me over any other girl.

But I'm really in no rush. I like my life the way it is now.  I do have moments though--moments where I miss having someone to just talk to about my day.  But in general, I'm doing pretty great without a love life. So God, if you're listening, no pressure :)

And THANK YOU for such a wonderful life!

HOW MY 34TH BIRTHDAY WENT DOWN

I turned 34 yesterday and as far as birthdays go, yesterday was just wonderful.

A few hours before midnight, my friends took me to Rue Bourbon so I could fulfill my craving for their caramel beer in a big ass mug.

It was a little close to midnight and I had finished more than half of my beer when my friends started chanting "Birthday shot! Birthday shot!". I declined and said that the beer was more than enough but they insisted.  A few minutes later, the clock struck 12 and the waitress came out with 4 glasses, 1 was filled with a blue concoction and the other was half-filled with something that smelled like tequila (later on, I found out it was Bacardi 151).  After giving me a straw, she put one glass on top of another until it looked like a tower, poured the Bacardi from the top and lit it.  While the whole thing was aflame, she started sprinkling the flames with ground cinnamon which made the tower spark.  It was mesmerizing.  And then she said, "Game Ma'm! Drink!", and so I did.

It didn't taste as bad as it looked.  (I don't like drinking anything blue. Yes, even gatorade.)

Rue Bourbon's Flaming Lamborghini: Not for the faint of liver

I knew my boss was going to bake me a cake, but I didn't know it was going to be this cute.  It was also sooo good, my sister has asked me to ask my boss for the recipe.  My boss also gave me a pair of running shorts that she hopes I would wear when I have the confidence to run in only my sports bra. Haha!

My sister, my friend and the kids (Joaquin, my nephew Gabe and my friend's son, Xavi)  picked me up at work for early dinner at Parmigiano in Newport.

Me: What's your gift for Ninang?
Gabe: My love.

Before bed last night, my little boy embraced me and sang "Happy Birthday" in my ear.  And I embraced him and prayed that God gives me more and more years to be with my son.

P.S.
Thanks for all the greetings on Facebook, Twitter and Instagram!

So I was reading this article on the NY Times this morning and I don't know if my parents were aware that telling me and my sisters stories of our family's roots, trials and victories would equip us to handle challenges more effectively but you know what, I'd like to say it worked.

"The bottom line: if you want a happier family, create, refine and retell the story of your family’s positive moments and your ability to bounce back from the difficult ones. That act alone may increase the odds that your family will thrive for many generations to come."

Now that I'm a parent, I have challenges of my own and I find myself being inspired by how my Lola would wake up early everyday to either go to Baclaran or go from office to office to sell her Baclaran finds just to earn money.  Or how my lolo grew his fleet of jeepneys. Or how my mom managed to work 2 positions (she had a full-time job and a business) for how many years.  Or how my dad had to sell the Rolex my Angkong gave him because we really needed the money.

Papa, being the funny guy, always told us the good stories, the stories of how he was like as a kid, how he and Mama met, where they went on their first date, how Mama was like when she was younger. My mom, on the other hand, was the storyteller of our hardships and what they had to do to go around it. I was the eldest and my mom always kept me abreast with the good, the bad and the ugly.  This was something I didn't appreciate very much when I was younger because like any teenager, I just wanted to have fun. But now that I think about it, I learned so much from them.

We grew up with a family driver but my parents forced me to learn how to commute in highschool.  Every summer, my mom would make me go with our store clerk to our boutique in Greenhills (commute again!) and make me stay there the entire day to help man the store and sell clothes.  My sisters and my cousins (who lived with us then) would take turns washing dishes every night. Papa would also bring me to different restaurants, from the fanciest to the hole-in-the-wall-carinderia type. Later on, he would explain that they want to make sure that no matter what happens in the future, we will survive.  And the reason why they have given us a taste of expensive cuisine, nice vacations and luxurious things is so that we can decide what kind of lifestyle we want to live and how hard we should work to maintain it.  Most importantly, they wanted us to simply be happy and appreciative of our life, whether we end up commuting everyday or living in a mansion.

My parents weren't perfect and we didn't exactly have a picturesque family life but I am utterly grateful that they have raised me and my sisters to be so grounded. And of course, I'll be raising Joaquin the same way.

FALLING OUT

I had this dilemma which dawned on me early February and I only made sense of why I was feeling that way last week. I didn't want to write about it because I might come off as downright mean but you be the judge. Here goes nothing.

I have this friend who I have known for close to 8 years. She's a simple girl who lives a simple life but early this year, I found myself annoyed by some of the things she does.  Like when she speaks in Jejemon linggo.  A little jejemon, I can tolerate but to actually make it part of everyday conversion, I cringe! Some of you are probably saying that I should talk to her about it, but how?  How do you ask someone to stop being so...so...jejemon-ish?

It also irked me that she passed on a, what I think, was a great opportunity to earn more just because she felt she couldn't work with the schedule. She's a mother and her husband doesn't have a stable job so I know that she could really really use the added income. I also know that she wants to send her son to a much better school.

Now I feel like I'm falling out of friendship with her, and I don't like it one bit.  I've broken up with friends before but that's because they were people who brought me down, betrayed my trust or were just toxic to be around with.  She isn't any of that.

So for like a month, I kept asking myself why I was feeling that way.  Why I was nitpicking her.

And then last week, the answer came to me while I was sharing this particular problem with one of my closest friends, April.

And the answer is this: She never changed.

You see, growing up, my parents always reminded me to choose my friends.  At first I thought they were being discriminating but it didn't take very long for me to understand what they meant.  It meant that I should choose to surround myself with people who will inspire me and motivate me.  People who have a zest for life, people who are eager to learn new things and who are constantly trying to improve themselves in one way or another.

And you know what? I think I did a good job.  Looking at my closest friends now, they're all incredible.  Kookie is successfully pursuing a dream to be a make-up artist and Charo has been helping make the world a better place in her own little ways.  Then there's Bea who now runs faster than me. Hahaha!  Do you know that my friend, Carla makes her own mayo, ketchup, ice cream and peanut butter?  April is hell-bent on getting her sexy back and she's been working out like crazy.  She also designs wrapping paper.  There's Lia who makes these awesome and surprisingly good smoothies made out of raw vegetables and fruits and her twin, Mia, is a wonderful housewife who I can always count on for arts and crafts for the kids and the home.  There are a few others who I will not mention anymore but it all comes down to this:

Each of my closest friends have their own "thing". They all make the most out of life and they are continuously learning and trying new things.  Doesn't matter to me if they failed, the point is they tried. Most of all, they are genuinely good people who have been nothing but wonderful to me and Joaquin.  And yes, they also have a bit of crazy in them which makes them even more fun and interesting.  And I have to admit, sometimes scary. Hehe!

Anyhoo, so that's why I feel like I am falling out of friendship with my other friend-- because in the years I have known her, she has not changed. As in she's in the same job and she has not tried or done anything new and is refusing to improve the quality of her life. Lately, I find myself running out of things to talk about with her.  I mean, she doesn't play any sport, doesn't really read books, doesn't write, doesn't watch movies, doesn't go out with friends, doesn't have any particular interest. Snoozefest. I feel that she is complacent and mediocre, and I don't know about you but when you reach a certain age, you're pretty much sure of the kind of life you want to live and the kind of people that you want to be in it.

Don't get me wrong, I am content and happy with the life that has been given to me but that doesn't mean that I can no longer make it better. Just because I am content doesn't mean that I have given up on my dreams. I want to do more and be more while I still can.  After all, (haters gonna hate) YOLO. Hahaha!

So tell me, am I being shallow?

SHOULD HAVE BEEN ME

2002. Or 2003. I can't remember anymore.  All I know is that my boyfriend had just dropped me off from my friend, Kookie's birthday in Grilla, Makati and there, parked on the street across from my house was my ex. The Ex.

I can't remember the last time I spoke to him but for the past couple of months he had been texting and calling me and I did nothing but pretend he didn't exist.  I was working for a clothing store in Rockwell then and he was in law school in Ateneo which was in the same area.  I would sometimes see him pace back and forth the facade of the store searching for me but I would bend my head down and pretend to be engrossed in work.

We were both in serious relationships with other people and it just didn't seem right to still stay in touch or see each other.

"What are you doing here?", I asked.

"Buns, I'm getting married tomorrow. She's pregnant. I've been wanting to talk to you but you have obviously been ignoring me."

Congratulations! You're going to be a dad and a husband!, I answered.

"It should have been you. It should have been you", he said over and over again.

I looked at him and was surprised to see that he was crying (I've never seen him cry before) and not really surprised because I have always felt that he loved me.

"Tell me I'm wrong, tell me that I'm making a mistake by marrying her tomorrow and I won't do it."

Still couldn't muster the courage to say anything.

"It should have been you, Buns. It should have been you."

He put his arms around me, and I could feel the light sobs pounding through his chest, but I couldn't find it in my heart to hug him back.

He gave me one last hug and then he drove away.

And that's when I cried.
------------------------

I wish I could say that this didn't really happen, that this was a scene from a screenplay I once wrote.  But it did happen.  I was looking for something in one of my drawers at home this morning and an old picture of me and him surfaced and this particular memory did too.

I've never written about it and only very few people know.  But in the spirit of Valentine's (hey's it's still February!), I'm going to let it out.

He married her.  Of course he did.  And for a couple of years, I thought about that moment all the time. Wondered if I made the right decision.  Wondered what would have happened if I told him not to marry her.

Because much as I don't want to admit it, he was my greatest love. Still is.

All I can tell you is that this is a chapter in the book of my life that has remained shut for so long and I intend to keep it that way.

Something in the universe just told me to take a little peek today so I can share it with you.

AN OPEN LETTER TO MYSELF

Dear Self,

I know it's been a tough couple of months.

I know that on most days, you just want to sit in a corner and cry your eyeballs out.  And on some days, you just want to scream.  But you're smart enough to know that that won't solve anything. Besides, wailing and screaming will only give you red, puffy eyes and a sore throat. So NO, we are not resorting to that.

And admit it, tulala ka minsan when you're driving home from work. Tigilan mo na yan, dilikado.

You feel helpless and you hate it.  Because in the past, you always manage to find ways. You always make it through, one way or another.  Except now. (don't lose hope!)

You were never one to self-pity.  But I understand.  You feel that you've done everything right so why are things falling apart?  You've been nothing but responsible, so why does it feel like you're being punished?

Now this is a cliche, pero kaya mo yan.

I know you want to point your finger at someone for all this trouble but forget it. Leave it.

What you need to do now is to FACE IT.

Let's roll with the punches.

LEMONADE, ANYONE?

I try very hard not to let my personal life get in the way of work.

I can't recall a single time I took a leave because I was heartbroken. Heck, when J passed away and my boss urged me to go on leave, I told her I'd rather work than stay at home and sob myself to death.

I am also peeved by people who cry over something at work. It annoys me whenever I reprimand a subordinate and they turn on the waterworks.

But 3 weeks ago, I cried over work. I know I mentioned in a previous entry that my team was doing very poorly last month and we were hoping to start this month with a bang. But we were off to an even rockier start as opposed to last month. We were way behind the forecast I had made for June.

And today, our boss got super mad at us. As in fist-banging-on-the-table-while-yelling-and-face-turning-red mad. It has been a long time since I saw her that upset.

This is making me feel incompetent and insufficient. And I cried again (I know! Emo, much?) while talking to a colleague who casually dropped my desk to ask me how my weekend went. I know my boss and our client thinks that thats one of the factors why my team is struggling. I never considered myself a great leader but I've always believed that I was a good one. Until today.

I can't decide if it's because the challenges I am going through in my personal life are starting to overwhelm and affect me or if it's because I'm just plain lousy.

All I know is, I'm feeling really down right now.

But I'm hoping to get past this. And prove all those who think I'm not good enough wrong.

Bring on the lemons!

STRESSED

I've been having a REALLY stressful week.

You see, my all-around helper left for Bicol last Friday so she can vote. She promised to be back Monday night. She even left a lot of her things at home so I was pretty sure she would be back.

But she never did.

I tried calling her but she couldn't be reached. She's the cousin of our neighbor's helper and even she can't get a hold of her. I have a feeling she bought a new sim.

So for the past week, I have been cooking breakfast, lunch and dinner at home (Joaquin's Yaya's can only fry). And because of this, my usual three 2-hour naps have gone down to two.

I wish I could say that things are sailing smoothly at work but it hasn't. It has been a really bad month for my team. I've been working for the same company for the past 5.5 years and for the first time last week, I cried (just tearful. I wasn't sobbing) in front of my boss. And when I talked to my team a couple of hours after that, I cried too (first time that's ever happened also)

When it rains, it pours. *sigh* C'est la vie. (or can I blame this on Mercury Retrograde?)

Thank God it's now Friday. I have a full day tomorrow and I'm looking forward to doing all these:

     1. Lunch with Charo and Kookie.
     2. Groceries 
     3. Going to the airport to pick up my sister, Francine who's arriving from the US.

I hope I can spend Sunday in bed sleeping, eating and watching DVDs. And Lord, please make it rain.

Have a great weekend, guys!

P.S.
If you guys can refer a helper who can cook, clean, do laundry and iron, I will be VERY VERY grateful.

The secret to getting 5 hours of sleep

I can't remember the last time I slept for 5 hours straight. Since the start of the year, I've been taking 2-3 naps a day.

On a normal weekday, my sleeping schedule is:

6am-8am (or whatever time Joaquin wakes up)

10am-12nn (in time for lunch with Joaquin)

2pm-4pm

 

You'd think I'd get enough sleep on weekends, but no. My body clock is so used to being awake at night that even if Joaquin and I sleep at 9pm, I still wake up between 11pm-12mn and I stay up till 5am (so if you're in the village and you wanna stop by and hang out at an ungodly hour, feel free to holler. Hehe!). Huhuhu!

At around 6:30am yesterday, I couldn't sleep. Joaquin was already awake and he was eating breakfast downstairs and I was still tossing and turning in bed. I just could not sleep.

So I decided to go for a run.

I ran for half an hour. It was hot but the sweat felt really good. I binged on persian food the night before and I had to burn all the calories from the kebabs, baba ganoush and ox-brain. When I got home, I showered and watched some TV with Joaquin. I dozed off at 8am.

I woke up to the sound of Joaquin and his yaya arguing. Joaquin wanted to watch more TV and Ate Edith wanted him to go to bed.

"Anong oras na ba, Edith?"

"Ala-una na po, Ate"

It was 1pm. I slept for 5 hours!

Hallelujah! :)

I CAN!

I told my mom about what happened to my marriage a few days ago. She seemed to understand but being Mama, she reminded me to think about my decision very very well. Being me, I told her that I've made up my mind.

After saying that, she said, "O sha! Magpapayat ka na!". Funny, Mama.

Today I got an email from my Stepdad. This is part of the email:

Mama is worried about you. I am not. I know you can take care of yourself.

I'm not super duper close to my Stepdad but we get along pretty well and when we talk, we talk. I'm glad that he believes in me. ♥

BREAKING POINT

When I said the "for better or for worse" part of my wedding vow, I should have asked God, "How worse is worse?"

I'll spare you the details but,

Do you stay even when you are repeatedly being accused of cheating even when you have not done absolutely anything to make him believe so? (Hellooo, ang taba taba ko kaya! Haha!)

Do you stay even when he no longer respects you?

Do you stay even when he has done something so disrespectful, you cringe and shudder in disgust at the thought of it.

I can't. I. JUST. CAN'T. TAKE. IT. ANYMORE.

So V and I are going separate ways. This didn't end amicably. Maybe one day, we can get over this and be friends. But for now, well, now is just a different story.

People have suggested counseling but I know myself. I know that respect and trust have always been very, very important to me. They are my relationship deal-breakers. You lose one of those and it's downhill from there. And the climb back up is practically impossible.

I'm a happy person. I find things to be happy about even when I'm majorly sad. (insert song: Smile, though your heart is breaking...) I've always been very optimistic so I don't think I can still be with someone who walks around with a chip (more like a block) on his shoulder.

It's been too much. It's sad, I know. But I've had the last straw. If I don't do this for myself, my sanity is at stake.

I am finding strength in Joaquin. And knowing that my family and my friends will always always be there for me even if some of them might disagree with my decision.

So there. Somewhat relieved that the cat is out of the bag.

(And that my comments are moderated. HA!)

BIG CHANGE

I haven't really posted anything serious or heartfelt in a while. Believe me, I've wanted to. So many times. But was worried that they were too personal. I've considered locking the blog, making it accessible to only a few readers. But, I dunno...I'm still thinking about it.

A lot of you don't know that I've been going through a lot the past year. And for the past couple of weeks, I've been contemplating and deliberating on something that will greatly change my life because, well--I've had the last straw. I can't stress how important it is that I make the right decision because it will also change Joaquin's life.

I pretty much know what to do already. A lot of people will be shocked and will probably disagree. But I really need to this or else, I would go crazy. I have come thisclose to pulling my hair out of sheer frustration the past year. I am hoping that people close to me will be open-minded enough to understand.

It's going to be rather difficult but I know I can endure it.

Finalizing everything over the weekend(hopefully) as I want to get this over and done with already.

Onto happier things, I've been looking forward to the weekend since Monday (Haha!). I have 2 parties to attend on Saturday--my officemate's birthday party and a bridal shower!

Talk to you guys soon!

9 DOWN, 11 TO GO

I weighed myself yesterday and thought that maybe there was something wrong with the scale. So, I weighed myself again.

Lie, it does not!!!

I lost 9lbs already!!! I am 11lbs away from, well, not really my desired weight but my i-am-content weight. Hehehehehe!

I LUV IT!

P.S.
Uh-oh! I'm craving for
Pistachio ice cream...