THE THING ABOUT FORGIVENESS

Hate.

It's not a word I use on people.  It's a word I use sparingly because just saying it makes me flinch.  It's too strong a word and I have never used it on anyone.

I don't even hate my son's father, a person most-worthy of my animosity, because no matter how irresponsible and deranged he is, without him, I wouldn't have a son.

But you know what they say, there's a first time for everything. Hate included.

So it goes without saying that I hate him. I hate Jun.

I just said that out loud as I typed it, without second thoughts, and I wasn't even compelled to hit the backspace button.

I hate him. (I can say that as many times as I said "Omigod" while watching Magic Mike)

But! I know that ultimately, my feelings will go away and I'll forget I'm angry.  Like all wounds, emotional pain caused by heartache or betrayal or whatever, eventually heal.  Some leave marks but if you're lucky enough, or maybe if you have contractubex, then maybe the pain will leave you scar-free.

And because I'm such a peace-loving person--seriously, I am--I also know that in the long run, I will forgive him, not because it's the "catholic" thing to do, but because some people just can't help being what they are.  He's a lying beguiling sonofabitch, so what can I do about it? Right! Nothing. Absofuckinglutely nothing.

Remember what I said earlier about first times? Well aside from being a hate virgin, this is also the first time I am learning that while forgiving someone is always always always good, it doesn't follow that that person should still be a part of your life.

I think most of us, without actually knowing it, associate forgiveness with giving second, third, fourth and nth chances. Giving chances should not be handed out so easily as giving cookies (although, I don't think I would ever give out cookies so generously. Yeah, coz I'm matakaw like that).

In hindsight, my 16 years of education in schools run by nuns may be to blame.  The Bible says we should forgive seventy times seven times.  Of course, this is not to be taken in the literal context, but helloooo, even the Holiest of books has not mentioned anything about still fraternizing with those who have wronged you in unforgivable (but you forgive them anyway) ways. Or is there? I don't know. Maybe I'll get back to you on that one.

I have to admit that I used to be one of those people who would say,

You've forgiven him, right? Why don't you hang out with him anymore?


So you've accepted her apology, why haven't you (re-)accepted her friend request on facebook? 

I know better now.

Expectations from forgiveness have been stretched way too far.  Yes, I forgive you but that doesn't mean I will have a "WELCOME BACK INTO MY LIFE!" sign strewn around my neck. Just because I forgive doesn't mean I am allowing myself to be treated badly and let down over and over and over again by the same person. That's just not emotionally healthy!

The eagerness and willingness to forgive someone should not be misconstrued with the willingness to still be bothered with them.  Just because I have forgiven you doesn't mean that I will still greet you on your birthday or give you a hug or a kiss on the cheek when I run into you somewhere.  Probably also doesn't mean I will say "Hi" or even smile. But don't worry, we're cool.

Yes, we're only human, we all make mistakes, which is why I'm totally into forgiving, especially if a person filled with remorse sincerely asks for it. And regardless if they are, it's something I have to do for myself, for my own peace of mind. Besides, someday, I'm going to need to ask forgiveness too and in order to get it, I've got to give it.

Ideally, you forgive and refuse to cut ties with the person who hurt you and instead, work on whatever your issues are moving forward because you still want that person in your life. But in some cases, forgiveness doesn't mean you still have to interact with folk.  Sometimes, the best and sanest thing to do is to just forgive, acknowledge that that is enough and move on.  That is the healing in and of itself.


And for this particular lying beguiling sonofabitch, that is what I intend to do.  To just forgive and then never allow him to enter my life again.  I will forgive but I won't be a fool.


Ang tanong, humingi na ba ng tawad? :)