DEAR 2012

Dear 2012,

First off, thanks for proving the Mayans wrong.

The year started with a broken heart. And admittedly--yes, it took me awhile (and buckets of tears) to accept things, but I am grateful that you have redeemed yourself.

Thank you for bringing me clarity.  Thank you for helping me realize that a bad thing usually turn out to be a blessing in disguise. Thank you for teaching my sentimental self to weed out people who do nothing but bring me down. And I almost forgot, thank you for the weight loss!

What I loved most about you was the weight loss people you made sure I was surrounded with.  Thank you for my son's unconditional love.  I yelled at him a few days ago and then I said sorry after, explaining that I was just getting frustrated and he just hugged me and said "Mama, it's okay."  There are times where I really feel that he understands more than what I give him credit for.

Thank you for the wonderful and crazy relationship I share with my mom and my sisters.  Sure, we fight once in awhile but I have never felt more closer with each of them even when we're all in different locations.

Then there are my friends.  I really really really could not ask for more from all of them.  They have been there for me in the most surprising ways.

In the past 12 months, I've learned, I've cried, I've fallen, I've gotten back up, I've laughed harder and I continue to love and hope.

Before you go, I need you to know that you have filled my year with so many good things that it has overcome the bad.  To say the least, I didn't think the year could have gotten better, but it did. It really, really did.

Cheers to that!

xoxo,
Bunny

Vanity strikes from the back of a trike.

A STICKY SITUATION

And quite yummy, too!

Halloween is my favorite holiday next to Christmas because everyone gets to be crazier than normal and the kids get goodies.

Candies are always fun, but hardly anyone gives out homemade treats these days.  I am currently always on a tight budget so I wanted to make something cheap but delicious.  I almost always have popcorn at home because, I reaaalllyyy love popcorn.(You can ask my friend, Charo. She'll tell you.)  Popcorn is inexpensive and healthy, and if you're feeling indulgent (which is pretty much all the time for me), just add melted butter or a sprinkle of truffle salt and you've got yourself a good snack.

For this year's halloween treat, I decided to make some popcorn marshmallow pops. Here's what you'll need to yield a little over 50 pieces:

1 bar of butter (not a stick, a bar)
500 gms of popcorn kernels
400 gms of marshmallows
salt
Optional: rainbow sprinkles or m&m's

Of course, cook the popcorn.  While the popcorn's cooking, melt the butter in a large bowl in the microwave (you can also use the stove. Whichever way you decide to melt it, be careful not to burn it).   Place popcorn in a large bowl or tray once cooked.

Once the butter has melted, throw in the marshmallows and some salt, and put it back in the microwave for a minute or until marshmallows have melted.  Your marshmallow and butter mixture should look somewhat like this:

Pour that over your popcorn, add your sprinkles or in my case, chocolate candies, then mix lightly to coat.  You might want to use spoons to coat the popcorn as the mixture is hot.

Once the popcorn has cooled, lightly grease your hands with butter as things are about to get sticky.  Shape popcorn into balls, stick a popsicle stick in the middle and that's it!

Trick or treat!

TEACHER'S DAY

It was teacher's day last October 5 and although Joaquin only has 2 teachers and 1 therapist, my son named 3 more people he would like to give teacher's day gifts to. I had a budget of Php50 (max) per person and I didn't want to give something generic, like a cupcake or hand lotion. I wanted to give potted plants, with flowers preferably. It would be something nice to grow and keep inside the classroom, or at their desk.

The potted flower plants were expensive but I found potted cactus plants for 3 for Php100.  I added Php10 for the pots. When I got home, I grabbed some ribbon. Joaquin took charge of naming the teacher who would get each plant and he spread glue on the top part of the pots so the ribbons would stay in place.  I printed out a simple message, had my son sign his name, glued the note to a popsicle stick and voila! Pretty teacher's day gifts within my budget!

We did a good job, Mama!

WORK WOES

I'm loathing my new work schedule. From a very normal work sched of 9am to 6pm., I now work from 1-10pm.

The TL who is managing my original account went on maternity leave last week and because I'm the only other person at work who knows how to make the tedious weekly reports, she had to turn over her team to me.

And this is on top of eveeerrrryyttthinnngg that I do at work.

I can never give a specific answer everytime people ask me what exactly it is I do at work. First off, I work for 2 companies.  These are my functions at work:

1. Product management
2. Client acquisition and business dev
3. Auditor (yep! I'm also part of the Finance department)
4. Billing and Invoicing (another finance task)
5. Agent commissions and incentives
6. Team Leader
7. Applicant interviews (also a part of HR)
8. Operations 

A friend once told me, "Work flows to those who get things done".  And I'm really not complaining because I do believe I'm efficient, but lately I feel like I'm spread too thin and I'm tired and underpaid and it's not worth it anymore.

The only reason why I still work here is I love the people I work with. And it's so damn hard to look for people you can happily work with.

So anyway, I just wanted to write about how much I hate my new work sched and how I'm probably stuck with this sched for the next 2 months.

I hate that it's sooo hot out when I leave home. I hate that I can't be at home before my son goes to bed.  I can't even hitch rides with my friends anymore and because it is so unsafe to walk to the jeepney stop past 10pm, I've been taking cabs.  More gastos.

And I miss tweeting.

Shet.

He would have been 62.

Papa would have been 62 today. And on our way to the cemetery, (thanks to Carla for lending me her car, by the way) I was trying to imagine what he would look like if he was still around. How it would be like. To start off, it would have been awesome for Joaquin to have a grandfather to spoil him rotten.

Felt tears roll from my eyes as I listened to my son shyly sing "happy birthday gwapo" while standing in front of Papa's grave.

My efforts in correcting him to call my Dad "Guakong" have been futile and so, I just let him be. Come to think of it, and knowing Papa, he would have preferred (and would have insisted) to be called "Gwapo" by his grandson anyway.

I wish they knew each other. I wish Joaquin knew him, not just of him.

Happy birthday, Papa! I miss you everyday that you're not here (and that's close to 8 years already).

Keep grooving (up there).

It has been a month since my sister took the car.

My mom thought it would be best if my sister, Francine, who lives all the way in Cubao and is in her final year of med school, uses the car first because she has a crazy schedule in the hospital and I think one of her classmates got stabbed en route to school/the hospital. She also said that my sister's cab fare expenses are driving her nuts on top of my sister's rent, utilities, etc. Her finances are not very good so she wants to save money.

I have no qualms about commuting as I've been taking public transpo since HS.  I only live 6 kilometers away from the office (2 tricyle rides, a jeepney ride and a 5-minute walk to be exact) so it isn't really much of a hassle. What I was worried about was Joaquin and how we would get around.

And God forbid, what are we going to do in case of an emergency?

I tried to reason with my mom and said that maybe it would be best if my sister moves back home with me (save on rent!) since she already has the car and at least, we'll have something to use in case of emergencies.

Wag na daw. Magtiis na lang daw muna ako.  It's not my car coz I didn't buy it so, okay.

It's a good thing that Joaquin only walks to school and that his therapy center is within the village so all he needs to do is take a tricycle.  It's the weekends that are difficult because we can't just eat out anymore or make pasyal, visit Papa in the cemetery or go to events we're invited to.

Compassion.  I have received so much of that this past month.

My kumare and kumpare (Thank you  Mia and JM!) who lives in the same village offered to give me rides to work in the morning.

April, my friend since childhood is now my palengke and supermarket buddy.  On days when she goes straight home from work (which is most of the time), she offers to pick me up at the Paseo de Magallanes area (I walk going there) so I don't have to commute going home.  She also lent me her car when I had to take Joaquin to get a haircut and last Saturday night when I had to meet my friends for dinner in BHS.

My good friend, Carla, a mom of 2 adorable children, invites me and Joaquin to go out with her kids on weekends.  She also calls me whenever she's in Makati to ask if I need a ride home.

Today, my boss left for Cebu with her family and she called me to tell me that she asked her driver to give me her car keys because she is lending me her car for the weekend.  "Take Joaquin out! Just have the car back in the office by 8am on Monday", she said.

My son and I are very lucky to be surrounded by these people, who we're not even related to but treat us and love us like family.

All this compassion, kindness and love, just because I lost a car.

God is good. :)

A recent study shows that most people are happiest at 33. They say that “By this age innocence has been lost, but our sense of reality is mixed with a strong sense of hope, a ‘can do’ spirit, and a healthy belief in our own talents and abilities.”

But it doesn't say anything about being happy in love.


"Many respondents claimed that their happiness at 33 came from fulfillment in their professional lives, as well as having a support system of family and friends. Not surprisingly, 36% said they were happiest when they had children."

Fulfillment in professional life-- Yes, pretty much.

Support system of family friends-- Check!

Happiest when I had Joaquin-- OF COURSE!

But again, none of the respondents mentioned anything about settling down, getting married or just being happy in the Lu-huv department.

Ha.

Looks like a lot of people have been burned by love and have found true happiness in other things. Seems to me like the universe is saying that there a lot of loveless not-in-committed-relationships people out there and they're happy anyway, so I can conclude that I don't need a someone/partner/boyfriend/husband to be in high spirits.  That all these--a promising career, a steady support system and kids--are all you need and you're set for a blissful rainbow-colored life. 

I guess in this day and age, a relationship has been demoted to something nice-to-have instead of a must-have.


And believe me, I can live with that without feeling any resentment from cupid and his bow and arrow.


But who knows, lightning can strike.


  

HAVE A LITTLE FAITH

My boss lent me her copy of Mitch Albom's "Have a Little Faith" last month and insisted that I read it.  While "Tuesdays with Morrie" remains to be one of my favorite books of all time, "The Five People You Meet in Heaven" was a huge letdown, which was why I was hesitant to read Have a Little Faith.

I was more apprehensive when I was told that it was about a rabbi who asked Mitch Albom to write his eulogy.  I was worried that it was going to be too preachy preachy and I'm not even Jewish.

But this book was not about religion, it was about faith in general.  And whatever trepidation I felt about reading this book immediately disappeared after the first few of chapters.

In a lot of ways, it strengthened my faith in humanity and my belief in the power of prayer.  A little sappy, I know--but I read this book at a time that I needed faith the most.   I don't know if my boss sensed that or if she simply wanted me to read a good book.  Nevertheless, this book worked.  It is a book to believe in.

And yes, I cried sobbed.

So before returning it to my boss, I took snapshots of my favorite quotes.  Sharing them with you.

ON CHANCES 

LIFE'S PURPOSE

FAMILY

ON COMMITMENT

ON RELATIONSHIPS

ON PREPARING FOR DEATH

SLEEPING IN A STORM

WE TAKE NOTHING

A DAILY PRAYER

WHAT A HOME REALLY IS

THE FINAL MINUTE

ON THE THINGS WE DO NOT SAY

TRYING TO BE BETTER

Other quotes I wasn't able to take a snapshot of:

ON MARRIAGE

“I think people expect too much from marriage today,' he said. 'They expect perfection. Every moment should be bliss. That's TV or movies. But that is not the human experience.
. . . twenty good minutes here, forty good minutes there, it adds up to something beautiful. The trick is when things aren't so great, you don't junk the whole thing. It's okay to have an argument. It's okay that the other one nudges you a little, bothers you a little. It's part of being close to someone.

But the joy you get from that same closeness--when you watch your children, when you wake up and smile at each other--that . . . is a blessing. People forget that.” 

ANOTHER ONE ON DEATH

“If you could pack for heaven, this was how you'd do it, touching everything, taking nothing.” 

ON AGING

“Getting old we can deal with. Being old is the problem” 

THE THING ABOUT FORGIVENESS

Hate.

It's not a word I use on people.  It's a word I use sparingly because just saying it makes me flinch.  It's too strong a word and I have never used it on anyone.

I don't even hate my son's father, a person most-worthy of my animosity, because no matter how irresponsible and deranged he is, without him, I wouldn't have a son.

But you know what they say, there's a first time for everything. Hate included.

So it goes without saying that I hate him. I hate Jun.

I just said that out loud as I typed it, without second thoughts, and I wasn't even compelled to hit the backspace button.

I hate him. (I can say that as many times as I said "Omigod" while watching Magic Mike)

But! I know that ultimately, my feelings will go away and I'll forget I'm angry.  Like all wounds, emotional pain caused by heartache or betrayal or whatever, eventually heal.  Some leave marks but if you're lucky enough, or maybe if you have contractubex, then maybe the pain will leave you scar-free.

And because I'm such a peace-loving person--seriously, I am--I also know that in the long run, I will forgive him, not because it's the "catholic" thing to do, but because some people just can't help being what they are.  He's a lying beguiling sonofabitch, so what can I do about it? Right! Nothing. Absofuckinglutely nothing.

Remember what I said earlier about first times? Well aside from being a hate virgin, this is also the first time I am learning that while forgiving someone is always always always good, it doesn't follow that that person should still be a part of your life.

I think most of us, without actually knowing it, associate forgiveness with giving second, third, fourth and nth chances. Giving chances should not be handed out so easily as giving cookies (although, I don't think I would ever give out cookies so generously. Yeah, coz I'm matakaw like that).

In hindsight, my 16 years of education in schools run by nuns may be to blame.  The Bible says we should forgive seventy times seven times.  Of course, this is not to be taken in the literal context, but helloooo, even the Holiest of books has not mentioned anything about still fraternizing with those who have wronged you in unforgivable (but you forgive them anyway) ways. Or is there? I don't know. Maybe I'll get back to you on that one.

I have to admit that I used to be one of those people who would say,

You've forgiven him, right? Why don't you hang out with him anymore?


So you've accepted her apology, why haven't you (re-)accepted her friend request on facebook? 

I know better now.

Expectations from forgiveness have been stretched way too far.  Yes, I forgive you but that doesn't mean I will have a "WELCOME BACK INTO MY LIFE!" sign strewn around my neck. Just because I forgive doesn't mean I am allowing myself to be treated badly and let down over and over and over again by the same person. That's just not emotionally healthy!

The eagerness and willingness to forgive someone should not be misconstrued with the willingness to still be bothered with them.  Just because I have forgiven you doesn't mean that I will still greet you on your birthday or give you a hug or a kiss on the cheek when I run into you somewhere.  Probably also doesn't mean I will say "Hi" or even smile. But don't worry, we're cool.

Yes, we're only human, we all make mistakes, which is why I'm totally into forgiving, especially if a person filled with remorse sincerely asks for it. And regardless if they are, it's something I have to do for myself, for my own peace of mind. Besides, someday, I'm going to need to ask forgiveness too and in order to get it, I've got to give it.

Ideally, you forgive and refuse to cut ties with the person who hurt you and instead, work on whatever your issues are moving forward because you still want that person in your life. But in some cases, forgiveness doesn't mean you still have to interact with folk.  Sometimes, the best and sanest thing to do is to just forgive, acknowledge that that is enough and move on.  That is the healing in and of itself.


And for this particular lying beguiling sonofabitch, that is what I intend to do.  To just forgive and then never allow him to enter my life again.  I will forgive but I won't be a fool.


Ang tanong, humingi na ba ng tawad? :)

Which is worse?

Thought about this while walking home in the rain earlier.

Which is worse? The hopelessness/helplessness from knowing too little and feeling too much, or feeling absolutely nothing despite knowing everything?

DEAR KARMA

Dear Karma,

I know you’re busy working and you have a lot of pending matters to attend to, but I was hoping you could find time to read this letter.

Could you maybe help me understand how your whole karmic law works exactly?  Correct me if I’m wrong, but shouldn’t I be reaping what I sow?

I’m not rich so the only thing I sow is love.  Lots of it! I’d like to think that I’m a good daughter.  I obey my Mom even when I sometimes find myself disagreeing with her decisions. I love my sisters.  I’m always there for my friends. And seriously, I’m an awesome mother (coz I have an equally awesome son)! I’ve been raising Joaquin on my own for the past 3 years and I work my ass off to make ends meet.

 I don’t steal, don’t lie, and don’t hurt others. I try to help as many people as I can. I’ve made it a personal rule to give at least one person a sincere compliment everyday. I smile all the time and have been told to have an infectious laughter. Okay, I can be a little crazy—good crazy—BUT I am a genuinely nice person who believes in everyone’s innate goodness.  I’m no saint and I’m most definitely not perfect but in general, I’m pretty okay.  Sure I say cuss words now and then but, come on, these days, it’s kind of hard not to. And I don’t say it directly at people. It’s more of like an expression is all. 

I’m not saying that I’m not thankful for what I have and what has been given to me. I AM. SOOOO AM. I’m even more grateful for the wonderful people my life is surrounded with. Because what I reap from them is also tons of love.

What I’m saying is, I really believe in you, Karma.  I believe in the whole what-goes-around-comes-around bit. And growing up, my mom would always remind me that I should do to others what I want others do to me.  Simply put, if you’re good, nice things come your way.  If you’re bad, then expect the worst.  

Did I get that right, Karma?

Now I don’t want to keep you from what you should be doing so here goes--

Yesterday, I discovered a photo that turned a truth that I was told and I strongly believed in, into one big fat LIE.

If you remember, I was in a relationship sometime last year and it was a couple of months before year-end when things suddenly turned sour.  I had a hunch that there was another girl involved. (and I have met this girl.  No wonder she wasn't nice to me!)  But I was assured that nothing was going on, that they were just friends.  And because I was inlove, I decided to trust the guy more than my instincts. 

There were so many signs.A common friend of ours introduced me to her at an event and I gave her a cheerful "Hi!" and she acted like she didn't see or hear anything.  At the same event, I noticed that he hung out with her more than with me.  And he was just with her the night before.  Then there was that party at his house. We were holding hands, girl arrives, he lets go of my hand. I say hi to the girl and she gives me a blank stare. 

At a different party at his house, she was also there but she left early. We were talking about the current state of our relationship when his phone suddenly rang. He rejected the call.  Phone rings again. He rejects the call and tells me it was a patient.  It was 5 freaking A.M. Really? A patient? I should have known better.

We broke up over the phone. And if a person has call waiting, you can always tell if a person has a call coming in while you're talking to them.  I guess he isn't aware of this because while we were talking, someone else was calling him and he said to me "Can I call you back? I need to go to the bathroom."  This coming from a guy who would talk to me while he was doing #2.

Of course it's just now that I am piecing it all together.  It's only now that everything is becoming clear to me-- the harsh truth that I was played.  And what sucks is, this is not the first time he has done this to me. I should have known better.  Should have been smart enough to know that he was going to do the same thing he did to me 7 years ago.

For 2 months, he was cold and unloving and everyone who cared about me was telling me to jump ship but I stayed, hopeless romantic that I am.  (Now I realize that at that time, I was just plain hopeless).  And Karma, I have to stress that before we broke up and while we were breaking up, I asked him if there was someone else.  I asked him if he was thinking of someone else or if he was being closey-closey to anyone.  I guess I don't need to tell you his answer.

ALL THOSE LIES! Lies about him feeling that he can't commit or be in a relationship.  Lies about just wanting me to be his bestfriend.  Lies, lies, lies!

So last July 4, I saw a photo of them.  Holding hands, all chummy and happy. It was taken a month after we broke up.  Karma, do you know how he sleeps at night knowing that he lied to someone? The girl has dark rings around her eyes so at least she looks like she hasn't been sleeping for the past 10 years.

How fitting that I discovered this on the 4th of July (US Independence Day), like the universe was finally freeing me by blessing me with the answer to the one question I have been asking for the past 7 months--- WHY?

My dearest Karma, this is my plea: Please please please please put them on the top of your priority list.  I have been very very very good so I think you pretty much owe me.

I promise to be a better person. Just please grant me this request. 

Love,

Bunny

P.S.

Karma, if there's anything I can do to help you get to them quicker, let me know.
I have all the information on them you might need. Just send me an e-mail (bunnyc@gmail.com) :D

MAYBE

I went out for dinner and drinks with long-time friends Carla and John last Monday.  One of John’s friends, Miel joined us.  I met her once before but it was only last Monday where we really got to talking.  She was telling us about a bad breakup that she had:

“Para akong tanga, nasa office umiiyak sa harap ng monitor ko.  And my officemates would pass by and ask if I was okay. Syempre hindi ako okay!”

Carla looks at me and says, “O Bunny, parang ikaw!”

And as Celine Dion once sang, “It’s all coming back to me now”.

It’s probably going to be a good thing that hardly anyone comes here anymore.  Because the truth is, I haven’t fully recovered, but I'm almost there.  And like a spoiled carton of milk still sitting in the fridge, this feeling is way past its expiration date.   Mas matagal pa yung recovery period kesa sa actual lifespan ng relationship. What gives?

At the beginning, I thought what I needed was a relationship sorbet: a guy who is completely not your type but you go out with him anyway for the sole purpose of cleansing your palate.  And I had the perfect guy—he was cute, he liked me and I couldn’t connect with him on an emotional level.  I was safe.

Apparently, I am not built that way.  Not that kind of girl. Hindi ko pala kaya. And to this day, I am still trying to creatively ward off this guy.  He still asks me out despite the handful of turndowns he’s gotten from me. I’m seriously running out of excuses.  And this is  a little mean of me but every time he posts a comment on a photo or status of mine in facebook, I delete it. 

So why am I still not over?  

Quite simple, really.  Because when Jun and I broke up, I felt like I lost 2 people.  A boyfriend and most importantly, a bestfriend. And while I still believe that we would/could have been great together if he had tried, it's my bestfriend I miss more.  

We don't really talk anymore but we're still friends.  From being someone who I would talk to about the most pressing matters of every facet of my life, our conversations have now been demoted to "small talk" and sporadic messages on facebook about not-so-important bits and pieces of our lives.  Over the past few months, there have been countless of times where I needed him, needed to talk to only him, and I would stare at my phone while telling myself no, you are not calling him.

Maybe it's not time.  Maybe when my heart stops skipping a beat everytime a message from him pops up on my screen, that's when I know that I've completely recovered.

"The only way to really know is to really let it go 

Maybe in the future, you're gonna come back

You're gonna come back around."-- Maybe, Ingrid Michaelson

TRUE THAT.

“I've been making a list of the things they don't teach you at school. They don't teach you how to love somebody. They don't teach you how to be famous. They don't teach you how to be rich or how to be poor. They don't teach you how to walk away from someone you don't love any longer. They don't teach you how to know what's going on in someone else's mind. They don't teach you what to say to someone who's dying. They don't teach you anything worth knowing.”- Neil Gaiman

HITHIT, BUGA.

Coz I've been smoking a lot more than normal lately. I know, I know. :(

Sumindi sa aking isipan
ang akala ko'y limot ko na
ang tamis ng paalam mo
na kasing pait ng hawak kong sigarilyo

Humihithit, bumubuga
pinipilit matanggal ka
Sana'y sa bawat usok na lumalabas
Unti-unti ka rin nawawala sa aking diwa

Hihithit, bubuga
Maari bang sabayan ito ng ala-ala.
Ang bawat hithit, ang bawat buga
Simbolo ng kawalan ng pag-asa

Hithit, sabay buga.
Hithit, sabay buga.

LULU'S (and LILA's) NINANG

I'm one of those people who take being a godmother seriously. As much as I can, I take an active role in my godchildren's life and try to spend as much time with them.  

This is also why I chose Joaquin's godparents carefully.  I chose people whose values and character I admire and people who I would like my son to look up to.

One of my childhood friends (and very good friend), Mia, recently gave birth to her second daughter.  I stopped by their place Saturday morning to get something from her twin sister, Lia.  As soon as I entered their home, I looked for Lulu (the new baby) and I found Mia carrying her.

Mia: Bunny, will you be Lulu's Ninang?

Me: *squealing* Of coursseeee! I think I'm going to cry.

Lia: You think you're going to cry? Wait till you hear why she wants to make you Ninang.

Mia: Because I think you're a good mom and I know that if anything happens to my daughters, you will love them as your own.  And don't worry, I'm insured! Hahaha!

I was seriously close to tears.  It was the nicest way anyone has ever asked me to be their child's godmother.

Mia's eldest, 3-year-old Lila, heard our conversation and dramatically ran out of the room.  Mia followed her and after a few minutes, she came back to me and explained that Lila asked why I get to be Lulu's Ninang. Apparently, Lila wants me as a ninang too.

I saw Lila peeking by the bedroom door so I called her and said "Come here na, I'm also your ninang!"

Love love love that I gained 2 goddaughters! (1 unofficial, haha!)

Lovely Lulu 

This is Lila with Lulu, when she was only a few days old

Being a single mom is hard enough, but being a single mom to a child with special needs is something else.

Don't even get me started on how many times I have received judgmental looks from people when my son starts to scream.  Or how many times I've seen people turn their heads from side to side when my son throws a fit.  And on all these occasions, I have to stop myself from yelling "My son is battling autism! Don't look at me like I'm the worst parent in the world!"


Most days, I would find myself wishing (and sometimes, unwishing. hehehe!) that my mom was here to physically help me with Joaquin.  Oh well.

I've been a little depressed all week because I may have to enroll Joaquin to 2 schools this year.  3 days a week in a special school so he can work on his behavior and 2 days a week in his pre-school.  It's a very crucial year because he is graduating and he will be in first grade next year.  Tuition at his pre-school is already expensive so you can just imagine how much more pricey the special school is going to cost.  And this is on top of his twice-a-week occupational therapy sessions!

Like any parent, I only want the best for my child and I am feeling really down because I don't think I can afford it anymore.  To not be able to give my son what he needs is making me feel like an utter failure. I am considering looking for a higher paying job in a bigger call center but I am dreading the work hours.  I have a flexible schedule and work normal hours now and it gives me more time with my son.

I am also thinking of "sidelines".  I am so close to finally accepting my friend's invitation to try and sell life insurance.

Or I can just buy cheap and skanky outfits, and wait along Quezon Avenue at night.

THURSDAY NIGHT

"I've liked you since college."
And he said that hasn't changed.  He also said that he's a little disappointed that I was married.
"I understand why that's an issue for some.", I replied.
"Bunny, ok lang saakin.  Question is, are you willing?"
"To be in a relationship? I told you that I was in one last year, right? So if it's just a question of whether or not I can be in a relationship, of course I can."
"So.."
"BUT I don't want to be in relationship right now. I don't think I can commit."
"I was thinking about that, too. In between work, law school this month and helping my brother with his partylist--if I want to be in a relationship, the girl I'm with has to be really understanding."
"So I guess we're on the same page, then. No time to commit?" 
"Uhmmm..."
"I really can't commit, CC. I can date but hanggang dun lang siguro."
"Okay. If that's what you want, that's what we'll do. We'll just date."

I just finished work and I should be going home but I felt compelled to write about this conversation because:

1. Who am I kidding?
2. Who am I fucking kidding?

Of course I want to be in a relationship.  No ifs, no buts. No time? Bullcrap.

Truth be told, no matter how busy or hard life gets, if there is one person willing to embrace me for everything that I am and accept me for everything I'm not, I would sooo take that chance. Of course, I have to be willing to do the same for that person.

I just don't like CC (Yeah, CC. Let's call him that for now). I know I don't like him because I almost never have the urge to get in touch with him or open up to him. I don't want to tell him about my work or about what's going on with my life. And if a day or two or more goes by without hearing from him, it doesn't bother me.

Ayayay.  What did I get myself into?

As you grow older, finding someone you just connect with is exponentially more difficult.

Really.


You see, there is a guy. I find him cute gwapo. Like boy-band-gwapo. And whenever I look at him, I'm so physically attracted to him, I just want to grab him and give him a kiss!

He called me and asked me out on a second date 15 minutes after our first date.

He's nice, too nice in fact, and he has made it pretty clear that he likes me. He's already given me a nickname (not going to say) and he calls, texts, chats with me online pretty much everyday.

Seems great, right?

BUT.

I guess I just don't find him that intellectually stimulating, which is probably why I've been turning him down aka taking rain checks for the past 2 weeks. Don't get me wrong, he's not dumb and he can make me laugh but I dunno, it's just not what I'm looking for.

I'm a person who thrives on conversation and while this guy makes sense, I just don't see myself spending an entire day just talking to him or just enjoying comfortable silence.  He called me the other night and after 20 minutes on the phone-- *crickets*-- there was nothing to talk about anymore and it was a tad awkward.

A part of me wants to keep him (gwapo kasi eh. hahaha!) and another part of me wants to nip it in the bud. Some of my friends say that maybe I shouldn't shut him down so early on and give him a chance. That maybe I just need to get to know him more. Some say that maybe my recent heartbreak is causing me to become a little pessimistic.

Haaay. Pwedeng bang pakurot or pa-kiss na lang? :D 

J

A few days before Christmas in 2005, I lost someone very special to me. 

A couple of months before he passed away, he told me that if anything should happen, he would want me to move on but never forget.

I have kept that promise.

To my dearest J, 

Happy Birthday, Jason!

I will never forget. I miss you.  You will always be someone I no longer talk about, but still think about. I know you're watching over me.  I love you, always.

“You’ll get over it…” It’s the clichés that cause the trouble. To lose someone you love is to alter your life for ever. You don’t get over it because ‘it” is the person you loved. The pain stops, there are new people, but the gap never loses. How could it? The particularness of someone who mattered enough to grieve over is not made anodyne by death. This hole in my heart is in the shape of you and no-one else can fit it. Why would I want them to?” 

― Jeanette Winterson, Written on the Body

33 LESSONS LIFE TAUGHT ME AT 33

I turned 33 last week and this entry should have been posted last Monday but work got in the way and I just finished it today.

Here is my list of 33 lessons life taught me at 33 :)

1.       I’m worth a lot more than I think.

2.       You can get away with so many things just by smiling.

3.       So take good care of your teeth.

4.       It’s fun to talk to strangers.

5.       READ. It’s the best and cheapest way to escape from reality.

6.      While getting an education is important, it will not make you set for life. A good attitude will.

7.       There’s a huge difference between being happy and successful. Aim to be both but if not, choose to be happy.

8.       Don’t let the day go by without giving someone a compliment.

9.       Learn something new everyday.

10.   Unless you know exactly what a person is going through, don’t judge.

11.   If the relationship has to be a secret, you shouldn’t be in it.

12.   Normal is boring.

13.   Some of the most important calls you’ll take in your lifetime are the ones that are made in the most ungodly hours of the night.

14.   Alone is so not lonely.

15.   Don’t take your parents for granted. You have no idea how much you’ll miss them when they’re gone.

16.   It’s okay to make mistakes. If you don’t succeed, at least you’ll learn something.

17.   At least once a year, go to a place you’ve never been before.

18.   Nothing beats falling in love with your bestfriend.

19.   Always give second chances.  Then, stop.

20.   Kids will always have an inexplicable way of lifting your spirits J

21.   Take tons of photos! Moments can never be recreated.

22.   Choose your battles. There’s no need to make mountains out of molehills.

23.   Surround yourself with positive people. Life is too short to be spent with people who suck the happiness out of you.

24.   Eat to your heart’s content.

25.   The three sentences you should use most in life are “I love you”, “I’m sorry” and “Thank you”.

26.   You really don’t have to put up with all that crap, you know?

27.   Trust your gut.

28.   Never make a big decision when you’re angry and never make a big promise when you’re overjoyed.

29.   Truly, the best things in life are free.

30.   A few REAL friends are all I really need.

31.   Oh yeah, wear sunscreen.

32.   Indeed, laughter is the best medicine.

33.   Speaking of medicine, there really is no cure for a hangover.

Cheers to growing old, staying young and learning more!

SCRIBBLES

I carry a little notebook with me all the time for scribbling random thoughts. This is what went down in that notebook today:

When I gave you a second chance, I thought you saw it as a way to finally make things right.  I wish I had known early on that what I was giving you was a second chance to break my heart.

Macopa

When was the last time you had one?

WHY MY HEART BROKE A LITTLE LAST FRIDAY NIGHT

I was getting Joaquin ready for bed but he wouldn't listen...

Me: How will you be a big boy?
Joaquin: Tito J is a big boy
Me: You still remember Tito J?
Joaquin: Yes!
Me: Did you like Tito J?
Joaquin: Yes!
Me: Why?
Joaquin: Because he go faster when the light is green and he go slower when it's red. It means stop.

It was a little game J would play with Joaquin in the car. He would ask my son to look at the stoplight and he would wait for Joaquin's cue to go or stop.

It broke my heart a little that my son has a very distinct and quite cute memory of J.

REQUEST

Before bedtime last night:

Me: Joaquin, look at Mama.

(little boy looks at me)

Me: Mama will tell you something, ha?  Please don't ever leave me.

Joaquin: Okay.

Revisited my secret blog today with a motive, which did not fall through.  Instead, I wrote:

-------------------------------------------------------
I came here today with the very distinct intent to take this blog out, to shut it down.

I re-read every single entry.  It's worse than I remembered.

Writing has always been my release and this is what's incredible about writing down how you feel when you're in the middle of something you can't seem to get a way out of--one day you can look back on what you wrote and realize that you got through it, particularly when you never thought you could.

So I'm not taking this down.  Instead, it will stay. I am keeping this blog.

Because one day, when things get tough again for whatever reason, all I need to do is come here and I know that re-reading every entry will be a good and simple reminder that there are happy endings.  Sometimes, going over how painful something felt and knowing that you overcame it is actually helpful.

I guess failure instills something positive in each of us.

Till then,
Bunny

CARAMOAN: 5 ISLANDS, 2 DAYS

Gad, this post is looong overdue.

Hang on, let me just put my earphones on and play my beach playlist before I start writing this entry.

Ohkay, here we go.

I could tell you that Airphil kind of ruined our itinerary by changing our ETD for Naga to 850am instead of 6am.  You see, travel time from Naga to Caramoan takes 3-4 hours.

The view from Sabang Port

Naga to Sabang Port: 1 hour
Sabang Port to Guijalo Port: 2 hours
Waiting for the boat to get filled up, finding a cab, bathroom breaks, etc: approx. 45 mins

The view from Guijalo Port

We were told that the last boat going to Guijalo Port would leave at noon, so instead of going to the van/bus terminal from the airport, we decided to hire a cab so we can get to Sabang Port faster.  Super bummer because we ended up spending so much more.  The van fare from the terminal to Sabang is only Php100. Cab fares from the airport to Sabang is usually Php1500 but we were able to bring it down to Php1100.

When we got to Sabang Port, we couldn't find the boat to Guijalo. We were told that because of the waves, the boat to Guijalo had to dock (?) somewhere in the middle of the sea.  So for Php150, we had to rent this little bangka to take us out to sea.

Our little boat

Koyaaaa!

When we got to the boat, we had to wait for a little under an hour for more passengers.  Then we started the 2-hour journey to Guijalo Port.  (Sabang to Guijalo boat fare: Php120)

We got off the port of Guijalo a little past 2pm, where we were met by our tricycle driver  (Kuya Mike) and he took us to our home for the weekend, Traveler's Camp.  We loved our stay there!  The package we got (Php4500 per person) included accommodations for 3 days and 2 nights, full board meals and island hopping.  They did not disappoint.  AT ALL!  The meals were sooooo good!!! It was just me and Carla but the servings could feed 4 people. May unlimited coffee and milo pa! Winner!

Our "soshal" room with LV sheets and LCD TV (not in photo). Hahaha!  Was not able to take photos of the food because we ate it all!

After checking in, we had a quick lunch, changed into our beachwear and took off!

ISLAND #1: Matukad Island

I've read about a secret lagoon in Matukad Island hidden behind a rock wall that you need to scale.  So I asked our boatman about it and he showed me where it was.  The wall was approximately 20-25 feet.  I was up for the challenge, so up up and away I went.

This gave me an adrenalin rush that I haven't felt in a long time

This is what greeted me when I reached the top. Gorgeous, right?

   

ISLAND #2: Cagbalinad Island

I didn't take a lot of photos here because I was busy drinking wine. Sorrryy! Hahaha!

HULI!!!

ISLAND #3: Cotivas Island

Possibly my favorite island because of it's soft brown sand.  Plus the water is blue in different kind of hues.

May beach na, may buko pa!

ISLAND #4: Manlawi Sandbar

The largest sandbar I have eveerr seeeen!!!

High tide

Low tide

 

Aiming for a jumpshot

Ayun!

ISLAND #5: Sabitang Laya

It was drizzling on our way to this island and it didn't stop. Since we couldn't laze in the sand, we decided to just walk around the island.

Off the beaten path.  

Another beach at the back of the island

These rocks were sooo huge!

We had a really good trip.  Caramoan is pristine and gorgeous and everything Boracay is not.  I intend to take Joaquin there next year. Magsawa siya sa beach! :)

This trip really gave me the diversion I needed.  It reminded me of how much life my life has.

And so, I'm baaaaccckk! Sooo back! :)

P.S.
If you would like the contact information of Traveler's Camp, see photo below.  Ask for Jun Padua.