MY SILVER LINING

I've been having bad dreams for the past couple of weeks.  The first week was fine because the dreams didn't come very often but the past week has been just dreadful. Everyday, I would dream about something so horrible, I would wake up either crying or clutching my chest.  It has now gotten to a point where I don't want to sleep anymore because I am petrified of my dreams.  Last night was the first dreamless sleep I have had in awhile and for that, I am thankful and relieved.

In a few days, it will be Christmas and I've been making an effort to feel the yuletide spirit.  Really, I have.  Amidst my troubles, I tried to make our home look more festive.   I'm also almost done with my Christmas shopping but I haven't wrapped a single gift yet (hoping to do that tonight).

Early this month, I (with the help of a few friends. thanks guys!) granted the wishes of a number of cancer warrior kids.  I remember bringing the gifts to the foundation a day before their Christmas party and I really wanted to go to the party the next day (Hi Cha!) but I didn't think my heart could take it.  I did not want to be known as the crazy woman who was crying while the kids who are in a more heartbreaking state than she was received their christmas wishes. Mababa luha ko sa ganun eh.

Lately, people on facebook have been posting photos of victims of Typhoon Sendong and while I know I will help in whatever way I can, I can't bear to look at a single photo.

If you ask me how I am, I would tell you that things are easier.  But if there's one thing I learned recently, it's that just because things are easier doesn't mean things are better.  There's a thin hairline between the two.

I don't know why and this is baffling but I usually find my personal life in turmoil at around this time of the year.  It's like I'm cursed or something. And while I find delight in making people, especially my son happy during Christmas, for the life of me, I can't remember the last time I felt ecstatic during the holidays.

A few months ago, I thought that this year was it.  I found myself looking forward to what people would consider the most wonderful time of the year.  But here I am again. It's that time of the year. Again.

If you know me well, you know that I am an optimist by heart.  I'm a happy camper.  I've always embraced my inner Pollyanna.  I'm Ms. Brightside.

Albeit not evident in my recent entries, I can still see a silver lining amidst all this.

The silver lining are the people I have in my life.  At the end of the day, the people that really matter are the ones who are there when you are at your worst.  These people have never left me and I consider them to be my greatest blessings.


There's my son who shows and tells me everyday that he loves me.  He has always been my source of strength.

And then there's my friends.  I can't even begin to tell you how awesome my friends have been throughout this whole ordeal.  These are the people I call in the middle of the night or in the middle of the day to just talk to about the most mundane or profound things in life.

April, oh maaah gaaah!  Thank you for noticing my big ass 17 (?) years ago because look at the friendship it has brought us.  You were first person I ran to when all this started and you have constantly been there.  Nakakatawa ka whenever I call because the first thing you would say would be, "Okay, what happened? Are you okay?".  Thank you for going to my house armed with wine or beer.  Thank you for making me laugh. Thank you for always playing devil's advocate. I swear, you have the brain of a man trapped in a woman's gorgeous body! I love you so much and I hope we spend our whole lives shakin' our groove thang and whipping our hair back and forth. Hahaha!

To my dear Carla, we've known each other since I was in 2nd grade and we have a friendship that shows no signs of ever withering. Joaquin loves you and your kids so much because of the outburst of love that you show us.  You've been through tougher times and look at where you are now.  You always say I'm strong but trust me, you're a lot stronger than what you give yourself credit for. Thank you for having me over a little too much. Hahaha! That afternoon we spent in your bed, eating hot ensaymada while watching new episodes of our favorite shows was comforting.  Thank you for allowing me to find solace (and FUN!) in your company.

TJ, Carlan and Rose-- you're more than lunch buddies to me, you should know that.  I know that the past months have been difficult (and quite ugly) to look at.  I will never forget how you guys just sat with me at the yosi area while I cried.  I know I haven't been saying much lately. It doesn't mean that I don't want to share anything with you guys anymore.  I just don't want to talk about my sadness because I know it hurts you girls to see me this way.  I'm slowly getting the cheerful and perky Bunny back.  Steady lang kayo :)  Thank you for your friendship and love.  Super duper love ko kayo.

JM and Ains, what would I ever do without the two of you?  You guys are both very busy with work and we all live in different cities and yet you guys find time for me.  JM, thank you for picking me up at work whenever my car's coding.  You have no idea how much I appreciate that.  I know that we don't always see eye to eye but thank you for listening to me.  I still laugh whenever I remember the conversation we had the other day.  Thank you for saying that I'm phat, not fat. LOL.  Ains, soul sisters tayo forever :)

                                         

My pakners.  We've all been so busy lately. One is getting married very soon (Woohoooo!!!), one is busy helping the world become a better place (I'm seriously so proud of you.  We have to catch up soon.)  while the other is like me, busy being a single working mother.  We don't see each other often but we spend lots of time online catching up.  How long have we been friends? Gawd, 14 years na! Awesome, isn't it?  I'm lucky to have girls like you to lean on. Thank you for all your sensible advice and for watching out for me and Joaquin all the time  Lab yu!

Bea (I don't have a photo of you. Why is that? Haha! We're having our photo taken at the post-christmas get together okay?),  I had fun during our date.  I don't know if I've ever told you but I've been asked a few times by our Merville friends how we became so close.  On the outside, people think we're so different but little do they know that we also have a lot of things in common.  Thank you for always giving me a different perspective on things.  You were the only friend of mine who talked to me about timelines and I really agree with you on that.  I will always be here for you and you know you can always call me, right? *wink*

So there.  Even when I feel like I'm falling in this very deep rabbit hole, I have the sense to look up and see several people who are ready to throw the rope at me when I'm ready to climb back up again.

:)

MY CURRENT PLAYLIST

Just some of the songs that have been keeping me company.  Sigh.

All We Are by One Republic

"Every single day that I can breathe, you change my philosophy"

Goodbye Apathy by One Republic

"I'll be what you need, I'll do anything"

Sleeps with Butterflies by Tori Amos

"I'm not like the girls that you've known but I believe I'm worth coming home to"

Misery by Maroon 5

"It's not what I didn't feel, it's what I didn't show"

Send me the Moon by Sara Bareilles

"I can live with your ghost if you say that's the most I'll get"

Syndicate by The Fray

"Don't ever forget, we haven't lost it all yet"

Ever the same by Rob Thomas

"You're no burden I assure. You tide me over with a warmth I'll not forget. 

But I can only give you love"

Perfect Girl by Sarah McLachlan

"All your expectations bury me"

By Your Side by Sade

"You think I'd leave your side baby? You know me better than that."

Hold My Heart by Sara Bareilles

"I see the end sneaking in behind your eyes, saying everything no words could ever do"

Back to You by John Mayer
"But forgive me love, I can't turn and walk away, this way"

When I got to work this morning, I found this e-mail from my co-worker/very good friend in my inbox.  And it just tore me apart.


Every time I see you crying or sad, parang ayaw na kita lapitan, kasi as much as we want to help you, alam natin na ikaw lang ang makakatulong sa sarili mo.  Iyong Bunny na nakikita namin ngayon is really really far from the Bunny that we know.  Sana with God's help biglang magising ka na lang, bumalik yun dating Bunny.  We super miss your smile, yung tawa mo na malakas...we're always here for you. Ngayon di na kami nagtatanong, kasi alam namin when you're ready, ikaw ang kusa magkwekwento.  Buns, balik ka na sa dati, we miss that...we miss you.


As soon as I read it, I wanted to run to her with tears streaming down my face, collapse in her arms and tell her how painful it has been.  But instead, I wiped my tears, got myself together, walked to her office and casually asked her if she wanted to go with me to the canteen to get coffee.


And that we did.

LIMBO

7 years ago, I wrote of him. I wrote stories about him.

I wrote about how we met, our first date, our succeeding dates and our conversations, whether it was over sms or in person.

I wrote about how he made me feel and how I felt about him. And without even realizing it, I had documented every facet and every minute detail of the time we spent together.

Although things didn't end the way I had hoped it would back then, I charged everything to experience. And over the years, I guess those couple of months of sleepless nights and endless conversations over coffee and cigarettes paid off because we would eventually become the best of friends.

This year, we both took a leap of faith.  It was not something we had planned on doing nor was it something that we ever saw looming in the horizon.  It was not a bridge we thought we would ever cross but there it was, unavoidable, unpreventable and inescapable.  And like two friends daring each other to jump off a cliff and dive into unknown waters, we looked into each other's eyes, held each other's hands, hoped for the best and took a plunge.  The plunge.

I can't even begin to tell you how beautiful it was, diving and exploring the great deep together. How do I explain the euphoria of being inlove with your own bestfriend?  I am not even going to try.  But let's just say that for the first time in a very, very, very, very, very long time, I was simply happy.  So this is how it felt like to be loved for everything you are. I loved the person I became with him. I'm not certain if he feels the same but I can confidently say that I was with someone who would love me at my best and be there for me at my worst.  Suddenly, all the relationships I had before were a far cry from this one. Sure, I still had my fair share of personal problems but knowing that someone will be there for me at the end of the day trumped them all.

And my fervent prayer was that when we couldn't hold our breath any longer and had to emerge from the water to inhale, that we would still be the same people looking into each other's eyes, holding each other's hands, hoping for the best. I believed that we would still have each other even if a huge wave should come and sweep us away to a rocky shore.

I knew I would write about him again.  There has always been something about him that just inspired me.  I knew I would always write our story.    But this time with a different ending, a happier one.  Quite the opposite of 7 years ago, I hoped and prayed.

Getting into this, I knew it was going to be a double-edged sword.  And here is the sword now, twisting my insides.  I was never one to believe in "time outs", "cool-offs" or the proverbial "giving each other space", because my life and my emotions do not have a pause button.  Neither do I have the power to skip from one scene to the next.  My life is not a movie on Blu-ray.  My life is real.

But here I am now, here we are now.  In a relationship that is in limbo.  He's still my bestfriend and I still want to be more. But I don't know what to do.  And if you know me well, you know how I hate feeling helpless.

"Win him back, sounds like he lost you.", a very good friend told me earlier.

Like he was ever mine to win.

And while I've always deemed myself as quite competitive, when did love ever become a contest?  Why would something so wonderful that used to be so effortless now require me to prove my worth?

So here I am., writing what I hope is not the end of his our story. Here I am, still wishing for a happier ending.

Dear Friend,

Today you told me that you were inlove. AGAIN.  

I'm jealous of you.  Jealous of your ability to fall inlove so easily.  Jealous of your short recovery period.  Jealous of how easy it is for you to just open your heart and trust again.

How do you that?

Love,
Bunny

I'M HUNG IN THE GREY OF A CLOUD

If there are two things that I know I will love doing for the rest of my life, it is listening to songs and writing.  My trusty iPod has been my bestfriend for the past week, providing me with the comfort I so need right now.

Most days, I just put it on shuffle mode and it surprisingly plays songs that I need to hear.  I swear, sometimes I think my iPod has a life of it's own because of its ability to sense my emotions.

Today, it played this song by Cynthia Alexander. To me, this poem in rhythm talks about sensing loss.  Maybe it's a song about slowly giving up or surrendering, because

"I'm playing with shadows cold, it's getting too dark to play."

Out of over 5,000 songs, my iPod chose this.  And I've had it on repeat since this morning.

How do we stand in the bravelight?

Those burning one hundred eight eyes staring

Blow out the candle, tiptoe silence

And bury me deep in the

Cracks in the red of your room

I’m playing with shadows cold

It’s getting too dark to play

How do we stand in the bravelight?

Those burning one hundred eight eyes staring

You quickly colour me out

And forget this

I’m hung in the grey of a cloud

You pretend that I don’t exist, remember me?

Unfortunately, it is getting too dark to play

Joaquin and I were saying our bedtime prayer last night when I suddenly burst into tears.  He couldn't see me because he was in front of me and I had my arms around him while we were praying.

When we returned to bed, my tear ducts gave way again and usually, I would just be silent and let the tears flow. But this time, I heard myself sobbing.  For a few seconds I forgot that my son was right beside me because he suddenly asked, "What's wrong, Mama?"

I smiled, wiped my tears and asked him to give me a goodnight hug and a big goodnight kiss.  My little boy is not a cuddler (like me) and he would normally just give me a quick hug, a big kiss on the lips then go to sleep.  But last night, he hugged me a little longer and while he patted my shoulder, he said "It's okay. Joaquin's here."

So I ended up crying more.

And for the first time, I allowed my son to see that I was no super mom who was insusceptible to pain.  For the first time, I allowed my son to see that I am just human.

I'll admit and I can't believe I'm actually going to put this in black and white, but this is the weakest I have been in I honestly don't know how long.  

Work usually gets me occupied and with my GM on a 2-week leave, work has been crazy crazy.  I've been working longer hours and most days, I bring more work home.  But it's not helping.  It's not making me forget. I wish I had an emotional faucet.

Last Monday, a friend saw me and asked me how I am and I cheerfully replied, "I'm okay, happy!".  She stared at me and said,  "Your eyes give you away, Buns."

Dammit.

Yesterday, 3 people asked me what I wanted for Christmas.  Sa totoo lang, isa lang naman gusto ko.  And sadly, it is not something that can be bought.  And it is something only one person can give me.

Have a good day, people.  Be happy.

Dearest Joaquin,

Last night, after reading you "Green Eggs and Ham" (I'm so proud that you can now read the words "green", "eggs", "and", "ham", "tree", "box", "fox", "house" and "mouse") and while getting you ready for bed, I asked:

Me: Are you happy?
You: Yes!
Me: Why?
You: Coz I'm not crying.
Me: Do you think mama is happy?
You: Yes
Me: Why?
You: Because you love.

And ULTIMATELY, you're right.  At 5 years old, you have already learned one of the most important lessons in life:  Giving love is a rich source of happiness.  So be generous with it. And along with giving, be open to receiving,  Let it come in.

But I wish I could also tell you that sometimes, love gives you pain.  The kind that makes you want to curl up in a ball and just disappear.  You are too young to know this but maybe one day you will learn that the people you love the most will also be the same people who can give you the most heartache and make you the most mad. There's a very thin line between love and hate, Joaquin.  It's part of being close to someone.  It is an inevitable dark side of love.  But if there is an ample amount of respect, trust, laughter and friendship, and if the two of you can look past each other's faults and forgive from the heart, then you're going to be okay.  Trust me on that.  Remember that the moments you spend with a person you love will always add up to something extraordinary.  It starts to get tricky when things are not so great but if you can still find joy from your closeness, that my dear is what you call a blessing.


I wish I could tell you as early as now that sometimes, loving means someone else's happiness is more important than your own. I recently heard myself saying this while talking to your Tita April and she said it was one of the most mature things she has ever heard.  Your Guakong used to tell me, "Anak, isusubo ko na lang, ibibigay ko pa sayo."  Love entails sacrifices, for as long as those sacrifices don't get in the way of your values. I learned this the hard way, Joaquin and I hope no one ever puts you in that kind of position. Never ever compromise your values or your real self. Love doesn't do that.

Somewhere in the future, you will discover and be amazed at how resilient one's heart can be.  It will break over and over and over again but it will still thrive. It really is a mystery that I don't think even Einstein will be able to explain. 


So why is Mama telling you all this?  Because as much as I know that I will do everything in my power to protect and save you from getting hurt, I know that I can never save you from a broken heart.  You're a smart kid but even the most intelligent people in the world cannot escape the agony of being inlove. 


And a few years from now (or pwede bang when you're 30 na? kidding! haha!), it is bound to happen and you'll have to deal with it on your own. I will always be there for you, but when it comes to the matters of the heart, the people who care about you can only do so much. At the end of the day, how you recover will always be up to you.


Lastly, don't be hasty and inconsiderate of other people's hearts.  Be sincere, honest and responsible.  Let me share with you a quote from one of my favorite books, "The Little Prince": "


"You become responsible, forever, for what you have tamed."




I love you.


Mama

For the past 3 weeks, I've been hanging out at one of the bathroom stalls at work a lot.

I wish I could say I'm having bowel problems.  Yes, I WISH. That would have been better.

The bathroom stall is the only place at work where I can really be alone.  It's the only place at work where I can cry without anyone seeing me.  It's the only place at work where I can stop trying to be stoic.(Trying being the operative word)

Stoic, hahaha. I used to be sooo good at acting all cool even when there was pandemonium inside of me. Now, ewanko na.

My 2 closest friends at work ask me all the time if I'm okay and I tell them I am but I know they know I'm lying.  This morning, I was behind my desk with my head bent down and when I looked up, there they were, staring at me.

Even my very good friend, Kookie, who made me her model for her make-up class last week said I looked so sad.

I wish I could tell you exactly why.  But where do I even begin?  How do I even start to explain something that even I can't fully understand.

All I know is it's breaking me to bits. I don't think I've ever felt so helpless.  And so in the dark.

Ohkay, here I go again. Time to go back to the bathroom stall.

ONE THING OFF MY BUCKET LIST

This photo is for Jason, who 6 years ago made me promise to try surfing and assured me that I would love it.

I did :)

Joaquin and I spent the long weekend in La Union and learning to surf was an amazing way to clear my head.  All I could think of was how these huge waves were going to hit me, how I would manage to get up on the surfboard while waves were coming down on me and how I would find my balance so I can just stay there.  It was a nice escape from my reality.

My arms hurt like hell but it was all worth it.

How did you spend your long weekend?