MAYBE

I went out for dinner and drinks with long-time friends Carla and John last Monday.  One of John’s friends, Miel joined us.  I met her once before but it was only last Monday where we really got to talking.  She was telling us about a bad breakup that she had:

“Para akong tanga, nasa office umiiyak sa harap ng monitor ko.  And my officemates would pass by and ask if I was okay. Syempre hindi ako okay!”

Carla looks at me and says, “O Bunny, parang ikaw!”

And as Celine Dion once sang, “It’s all coming back to me now”.

It’s probably going to be a good thing that hardly anyone comes here anymore.  Because the truth is, I haven’t fully recovered, but I'm almost there.  And like a spoiled carton of milk still sitting in the fridge, this feeling is way past its expiration date.   Mas matagal pa yung recovery period kesa sa actual lifespan ng relationship. What gives?

At the beginning, I thought what I needed was a relationship sorbet: a guy who is completely not your type but you go out with him anyway for the sole purpose of cleansing your palate.  And I had the perfect guy—he was cute, he liked me and I couldn’t connect with him on an emotional level.  I was safe.

Apparently, I am not built that way.  Not that kind of girl. Hindi ko pala kaya. And to this day, I am still trying to creatively ward off this guy.  He still asks me out despite the handful of turndowns he’s gotten from me. I’m seriously running out of excuses.  And this is  a little mean of me but every time he posts a comment on a photo or status of mine in facebook, I delete it. 

So why am I still not over?  

Quite simple, really.  Because when Jun and I broke up, I felt like I lost 2 people.  A boyfriend and most importantly, a bestfriend. And while I still believe that we would/could have been great together if he had tried, it's my bestfriend I miss more.  

We don't really talk anymore but we're still friends.  From being someone who I would talk to about the most pressing matters of every facet of my life, our conversations have now been demoted to "small talk" and sporadic messages on facebook about not-so-important bits and pieces of our lives.  Over the past few months, there have been countless of times where I needed him, needed to talk to only him, and I would stare at my phone while telling myself no, you are not calling him.

Maybe it's not time.  Maybe when my heart stops skipping a beat everytime a message from him pops up on my screen, that's when I know that I've completely recovered.

"The only way to really know is to really let it go 

Maybe in the future, you're gonna come back

You're gonna come back around."-- Maybe, Ingrid Michaelson

TRUE THAT.

“I've been making a list of the things they don't teach you at school. They don't teach you how to love somebody. They don't teach you how to be famous. They don't teach you how to be rich or how to be poor. They don't teach you how to walk away from someone you don't love any longer. They don't teach you how to know what's going on in someone else's mind. They don't teach you what to say to someone who's dying. They don't teach you anything worth knowing.”- Neil Gaiman

HITHIT, BUGA.

Coz I've been smoking a lot more than normal lately. I know, I know. :(

Sumindi sa aking isipan
ang akala ko'y limot ko na
ang tamis ng paalam mo
na kasing pait ng hawak kong sigarilyo

Humihithit, bumubuga
pinipilit matanggal ka
Sana'y sa bawat usok na lumalabas
Unti-unti ka rin nawawala sa aking diwa

Hihithit, bubuga
Maari bang sabayan ito ng ala-ala.
Ang bawat hithit, ang bawat buga
Simbolo ng kawalan ng pag-asa

Hithit, sabay buga.
Hithit, sabay buga.

LULU'S (and LILA's) NINANG

I'm one of those people who take being a godmother seriously. As much as I can, I take an active role in my godchildren's life and try to spend as much time with them.  

This is also why I chose Joaquin's godparents carefully.  I chose people whose values and character I admire and people who I would like my son to look up to.

One of my childhood friends (and very good friend), Mia, recently gave birth to her second daughter.  I stopped by their place Saturday morning to get something from her twin sister, Lia.  As soon as I entered their home, I looked for Lulu (the new baby) and I found Mia carrying her.

Mia: Bunny, will you be Lulu's Ninang?

Me: *squealing* Of coursseeee! I think I'm going to cry.

Lia: You think you're going to cry? Wait till you hear why she wants to make you Ninang.

Mia: Because I think you're a good mom and I know that if anything happens to my daughters, you will love them as your own.  And don't worry, I'm insured! Hahaha!

I was seriously close to tears.  It was the nicest way anyone has ever asked me to be their child's godmother.

Mia's eldest, 3-year-old Lila, heard our conversation and dramatically ran out of the room.  Mia followed her and after a few minutes, she came back to me and explained that Lila asked why I get to be Lulu's Ninang. Apparently, Lila wants me as a ninang too.

I saw Lila peeking by the bedroom door so I called her and said "Come here na, I'm also your ninang!"

Love love love that I gained 2 goddaughters! (1 unofficial, haha!)

Lovely Lulu 

This is Lila with Lulu, when she was only a few days old

Being a single mom is hard enough, but being a single mom to a child with special needs is something else.

Don't even get me started on how many times I have received judgmental looks from people when my son starts to scream.  Or how many times I've seen people turn their heads from side to side when my son throws a fit.  And on all these occasions, I have to stop myself from yelling "My son is battling autism! Don't look at me like I'm the worst parent in the world!"


Most days, I would find myself wishing (and sometimes, unwishing. hehehe!) that my mom was here to physically help me with Joaquin.  Oh well.

I've been a little depressed all week because I may have to enroll Joaquin to 2 schools this year.  3 days a week in a special school so he can work on his behavior and 2 days a week in his pre-school.  It's a very crucial year because he is graduating and he will be in first grade next year.  Tuition at his pre-school is already expensive so you can just imagine how much more pricey the special school is going to cost.  And this is on top of his twice-a-week occupational therapy sessions!

Like any parent, I only want the best for my child and I am feeling really down because I don't think I can afford it anymore.  To not be able to give my son what he needs is making me feel like an utter failure. I am considering looking for a higher paying job in a bigger call center but I am dreading the work hours.  I have a flexible schedule and work normal hours now and it gives me more time with my son.

I am also thinking of "sidelines".  I am so close to finally accepting my friend's invitation to try and sell life insurance.

Or I can just buy cheap and skanky outfits, and wait along Quezon Avenue at night.

THURSDAY NIGHT

"I've liked you since college."
And he said that hasn't changed.  He also said that he's a little disappointed that I was married.
"I understand why that's an issue for some.", I replied.
"Bunny, ok lang saakin.  Question is, are you willing?"
"To be in a relationship? I told you that I was in one last year, right? So if it's just a question of whether or not I can be in a relationship, of course I can."
"So.."
"BUT I don't want to be in relationship right now. I don't think I can commit."
"I was thinking about that, too. In between work, law school this month and helping my brother with his partylist--if I want to be in a relationship, the girl I'm with has to be really understanding."
"So I guess we're on the same page, then. No time to commit?" 
"Uhmmm..."
"I really can't commit, CC. I can date but hanggang dun lang siguro."
"Okay. If that's what you want, that's what we'll do. We'll just date."

I just finished work and I should be going home but I felt compelled to write about this conversation because:

1. Who am I kidding?
2. Who am I fucking kidding?

Of course I want to be in a relationship.  No ifs, no buts. No time? Bullcrap.

Truth be told, no matter how busy or hard life gets, if there is one person willing to embrace me for everything that I am and accept me for everything I'm not, I would sooo take that chance. Of course, I have to be willing to do the same for that person.

I just don't like CC (Yeah, CC. Let's call him that for now). I know I don't like him because I almost never have the urge to get in touch with him or open up to him. I don't want to tell him about my work or about what's going on with my life. And if a day or two or more goes by without hearing from him, it doesn't bother me.

Ayayay.  What did I get myself into?

As you grow older, finding someone you just connect with is exponentially more difficult.

Really.


You see, there is a guy. I find him cute gwapo. Like boy-band-gwapo. And whenever I look at him, I'm so physically attracted to him, I just want to grab him and give him a kiss!

He called me and asked me out on a second date 15 minutes after our first date.

He's nice, too nice in fact, and he has made it pretty clear that he likes me. He's already given me a nickname (not going to say) and he calls, texts, chats with me online pretty much everyday.

Seems great, right?

BUT.

I guess I just don't find him that intellectually stimulating, which is probably why I've been turning him down aka taking rain checks for the past 2 weeks. Don't get me wrong, he's not dumb and he can make me laugh but I dunno, it's just not what I'm looking for.

I'm a person who thrives on conversation and while this guy makes sense, I just don't see myself spending an entire day just talking to him or just enjoying comfortable silence.  He called me the other night and after 20 minutes on the phone-- *crickets*-- there was nothing to talk about anymore and it was a tad awkward.

A part of me wants to keep him (gwapo kasi eh. hahaha!) and another part of me wants to nip it in the bud. Some of my friends say that maybe I shouldn't shut him down so early on and give him a chance. That maybe I just need to get to know him more. Some say that maybe my recent heartbreak is causing me to become a little pessimistic.

Haaay. Pwedeng bang pakurot or pa-kiss na lang? :D 

J

A few days before Christmas in 2005, I lost someone very special to me. 

A couple of months before he passed away, he told me that if anything should happen, he would want me to move on but never forget.

I have kept that promise.

To my dearest J, 

Happy Birthday, Jason!

I will never forget. I miss you.  You will always be someone I no longer talk about, but still think about. I know you're watching over me.  I love you, always.

“You’ll get over it…” It’s the clichés that cause the trouble. To lose someone you love is to alter your life for ever. You don’t get over it because ‘it” is the person you loved. The pain stops, there are new people, but the gap never loses. How could it? The particularness of someone who mattered enough to grieve over is not made anodyne by death. This hole in my heart is in the shape of you and no-one else can fit it. Why would I want them to?” 

― Jeanette Winterson, Written on the Body

33 LESSONS LIFE TAUGHT ME AT 33

I turned 33 last week and this entry should have been posted last Monday but work got in the way and I just finished it today.

Here is my list of 33 lessons life taught me at 33 :)

1.       I’m worth a lot more than I think.

2.       You can get away with so many things just by smiling.

3.       So take good care of your teeth.

4.       It’s fun to talk to strangers.

5.       READ. It’s the best and cheapest way to escape from reality.

6.      While getting an education is important, it will not make you set for life. A good attitude will.

7.       There’s a huge difference between being happy and successful. Aim to be both but if not, choose to be happy.

8.       Don’t let the day go by without giving someone a compliment.

9.       Learn something new everyday.

10.   Unless you know exactly what a person is going through, don’t judge.

11.   If the relationship has to be a secret, you shouldn’t be in it.

12.   Normal is boring.

13.   Some of the most important calls you’ll take in your lifetime are the ones that are made in the most ungodly hours of the night.

14.   Alone is so not lonely.

15.   Don’t take your parents for granted. You have no idea how much you’ll miss them when they’re gone.

16.   It’s okay to make mistakes. If you don’t succeed, at least you’ll learn something.

17.   At least once a year, go to a place you’ve never been before.

18.   Nothing beats falling in love with your bestfriend.

19.   Always give second chances.  Then, stop.

20.   Kids will always have an inexplicable way of lifting your spirits J

21.   Take tons of photos! Moments can never be recreated.

22.   Choose your battles. There’s no need to make mountains out of molehills.

23.   Surround yourself with positive people. Life is too short to be spent with people who suck the happiness out of you.

24.   Eat to your heart’s content.

25.   The three sentences you should use most in life are “I love you”, “I’m sorry” and “Thank you”.

26.   You really don’t have to put up with all that crap, you know?

27.   Trust your gut.

28.   Never make a big decision when you’re angry and never make a big promise when you’re overjoyed.

29.   Truly, the best things in life are free.

30.   A few REAL friends are all I really need.

31.   Oh yeah, wear sunscreen.

32.   Indeed, laughter is the best medicine.

33.   Speaking of medicine, there really is no cure for a hangover.

Cheers to growing old, staying young and learning more!

SCRIBBLES

I carry a little notebook with me all the time for scribbling random thoughts. This is what went down in that notebook today:

When I gave you a second chance, I thought you saw it as a way to finally make things right.  I wish I had known early on that what I was giving you was a second chance to break my heart.