SAVED.

Kids are kids.  But sometimes, they manage to say really surprising things--things that may seem prophetic or philosophical.  Sometimes, they will make comments that seem to go beyond their scope of knowledge or understanding. Maybe it's because they see the world differently or maybe they understand a lot more than we give them credit for.

Yesterday afternoon, while helping Joaquin dress up after his bath:

Me: What did you today, Babe?
Joaquin: I eat fried rice and siomai.
Me: And who did you eat with? (In case you're wondering, asking questions and having him answer them is something I like to do to help him tell stories in detail)
Joaquin: Mama and Tito J.
Me: Good job!

While I was helping him put on his shirt,

Joaquin: I like Tito J.
Me: Why do you like Tito J?
Joaquin: Because he save you.
Me: What?
Joaquin: Because he save you.
Me: Again, Joaquin-- why do you like Tito J?
Joaquin: Because he save you.

I froze.  I was so stunned. And I have to admit, a little freaked out.

Where did that come from?  Save me?! First of all, why on earth would my son think that I needed saving?  (Hindi pwede masira ang SuperMom image ko! I am no damsel in distress, excuuusseee mee! Hehe!) And how can he say that J saved me?

And so here goes:

My dearest Joaquin--if there is anyone in this world who has saved me, it is YOU.  Nothing will ever come close to the fulfillment I felt the first time I held you. You have saved me from being complacent with my life. My major decisions are now based on what I think you would think. I want to be the best person possible for you.  My fervent prayer is that you grow up happy and that you'll be proud of me as I am of you.

And to J, you're the best thing that happened to me this year since Joaquin. I will always be grateful to you for saving me from disbelief.  I had confined myself to the fact that it would never happen again and I was fine with it.  Thank you again, for proving me wrong.  You will always rock my world :)

They carry my ♥

"Here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life; which grows
higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart
I carry your heart (i carry it in my heart)"-- E.E. Cummings

The BF surprised me with these Friday night and they're absolutely gorgeous!

Daisies are LOVE.

SPRING CLEANING

Do you love my new URL?

I do i do i dooooo!!!  I was lucky it was still available. O tiba, meant to be!

I am also overjoyed by the number of e-mails I received from readers asking me for the new URL of my blog.  May nagbabasa pa pala. I was really surprised. *kilig*

Aside from changing my blog's URL, I also changed my mobile number a few weeks ago.  Let's just say I'm "spring cleaning" my life.  Time to weed out people who bring nothing but bad vibes!

Like the former blog, it was hard to let go of my old number, I've had that for years.  But some chapters must end. Ties must be cut. Doors must be shut.  Some people have no more room in my life and I want to make darn sure they don't ever come knocking again.

The peace of mind I am currently getting is soooo worth it.

Wag na magpafeel ang mga charoterang isprikitik! (If you haven't seen Zombadings, WHY? Hahaha!)

And have I told you that I'm inlove? *kilig again*

Ayieeeee!!! ♥  I shall make kwento soon.

My little one is doing great.  He is currently obsessed with the piano. If he's not hitting the keys of the real one (we have one at home pero medyo sira sira na), he plays with this app on the iPad.  In fairness to Joaquin, he can't read notes and I really can't say that he knows what he's doing BUT his "music" has a melody ha.

My future Mozart

When I got home last night, I went straight to the kitchen to drop off my lunch box.  Joaquin was already in the room getting ready for bed.  Anyway, I headed back to the living room where my cousin was and he goes:

Cousin: You didn't notice anything when you got in?
Me: Notice what?
Cousin: Hahaha! Joaquin's new pet?
Me: What pet? Where is the kitten???
Cousin: Right in front of you!

And true enough, it was right there on our table.  Tiny tiny black and white furball.

I knew right away the pet my cousin was talking about was a kitten because our neighbor's cat, Chloe gave birth a few weeks ago and my son has been sneaking off to their house every now and then to visit the, what he calls, "kitty kitties".  His Ate L told me once that Joaquin cried going home because he wanted to take the kittens to bed with him.

I hope our helper remembered to return the kitten this morning. It's too tiny. I don't think the kitten which Joaquin has decided to name after his/her mother (he pronounces it Cwowie. Buyuy!) is ready to be detached from his/her mom.  I also don't feel that my son is ready to take care of another living thing.

So there. I'm ecstatic that I can write freely again.  I missed this.

HAPPY HAPPY WEEKEND TO ALL OF YOU!

I have a problem.

Both my helpers are going home to the province this weekend and will be gone for a week.  Fiesta kasi.

So my plan is to stay with Joaquin in school from 730-1030am then bring him to work with me and stay in the office till at least 4pm and finish the rest of my work at home.

Another dilemma is, I am managing a new Australian account (7am to 4pm) starting Monday, so ewanko na.

I'm talking to my boss today and hoping hoping hoping that she will be okay with that. *crossing my fingers*


One thing is certain:  Next week will be a kaloka week! 

I'm not much of a worrywart but there is one thing I always always always fret about:

Who will take care of Joaquin when I'm gone?

This questions brings me to tears everytime.


While my heart believes that my awesome son will eventually overcome or at the very least manage his bout with autism , a part of me can't help but ask--What if he doesn't? (By the way, we went to the Dev Ped last month and the diagnosis has now downgraded to PDD-NOS. Dev Ped says he has improved immensely. Sooo grateful!)

There is no cure for autism--this is a very ugly truth I have been forced to accept since his intervention. I am hopeful that therapy, tips from other parents like me, constant research and overflowing love and attention will be enough to help him.


Right now, the only person I can trust to be alone with my son is his caregiver, L, who I hope never leaves him. Even my own sisters can't handle Joaquin. Don't get me wrong, I'm so not taking that against them. I completely understand how challenging being with Joaquin could be. The tantrums/meltdowns can be a little too much to take at times.


Who will take care of Joaquin when I'm gone?

This haunts me. Magkaka-wrinkles na ako kakaisip.

And I will refuse to leave this earth until I am assured that he has someone who will love him just as much as I do.

So here is my answer: Have another child in 2 years, whether I'm in a relationship or not. Whether it's here or in the US. I don't care what people will think, they can judge all they want.

I had a really fun childhood because of my 4 crazy sisters and we have always been there for each other. We may live far away from one another, we may not talk as often as we want to but I know that when the shit hits the fan, they will come running.

And I want Joaquin to have that. I know that he will need that.

And that's the gameplan.

7 years ago, I blogged this quote from Maria Rainer Rilke's "Letters to a Young Poet":

"...have patience with everything unresolved in your heart and to try to love the questions themselves as if they were locked rooms or books written in a very foreign language. Don't search for the answers, which could not be given to you now, because you would not be able to live them. And the point is, to live everything.Live the questions now. Perhaps then, someday far in the future, you will gradually, without even noticing it, live your way into the answer."


Living the answer now :)

TODAY

It's not even noon.

But a big realization hit me today.

It's like that quote I read somewhere about not being able to lose something that really belongs to you.

Today, the universe has shown me that it can happen. Apparently, the rumors are true.

Even if it took the world 7 years.

Did the universe just pull an Alchemist on me? I don't know for sure. But I'm definitely thanking my lucky stars.

I came thisclose to accepting that it would never happen to me again. Not anymore. I'm tired.

And while the past months have kept me smiling, it has also left me unassuming and admittedly, a little pessimistic. Nothing true can ever be this good. And even if it was real, the risk was just too much to take.

Today, I was proven wrong.

And for someone who hates being wrong, today, I am nothing but grateful.

Thank you for an incredible friendship that has blossomed into something more beautiful.

Thank you for taking a leap of faith.

Thank you for taking it with me.

Today, I discovered that the cliche is true-- if it's meant to happen, it will happen.

Stay hopeful, kiddos.

It could happen to you too.

And it's not even noon.

THANKS FOR THE SPERM!

I am hurt for my son.

I am hurt that he has a father who claims that because he is so mad at me, he would rather NOT have a relationship with him.

I mean, really, if you're mad at me, take it out on me. Why take it out on your son?

How mature.

I don't need you, V. For 2 years now, God has shown me that I can do this on my own. But I'd like to think that a son will always need his father and vice versa. I thought your measly brain would at the very least know that.

I was expecting too much, wasn't I? Haha.

Thank you for saying that you regret marrying me. I'm so glad that we've finally agreed on something!

I hope you get what you deserve, whatever that is.

If there is one thing I am sure of, it is this-- You will live your whole life regretting that you did not get to know Joaquin. He is a happy, smart and amazing child who has done nothing but bring me love, love, love and oodles of joy.

While you are nothing but a sperm donor.

*happy thoughts happy thoughts happy thoughts*

Day 05: A song that reminds you of someone

While Papa's death will always be my biggest heartache, Jason's passing has always been my biggest heartbreak.

I just felt and still feel that it wasn't fair that it happened hours before he was going to see me.    Finally going to see me.

I have moved on but I still haven't been able to make sense of it.




"So I wait and I wait
And I run myself in the same old circles
And I sit and I stare
And I run old scenes through my tired head
Of the days that we laid on our backs and said forever
Was that the best I'll ever be"

Day 04: A song that makes you sad

If you guys know me or have been following my blog since Spunky Daisy, then you guys know how much I love my Papa.

If you really know me, you would know that I have never really gotten over his demise. To this day, I often find myself wishing he was still here. There are questions, situations and problems that I know only Papa can help me with. And I always always wish he was alive to see his grandsons.  He would have been awesome with them.  He would spoil them rotten. He would take them on roadtrips. Gabe and Joaquin would make him so so happy.

Sigh.

I miss my dad. Way too much.

I miss exchanging stories and chismis with him.

I miss our midnight dates at hole-in-the-wall places in Malate or China Town.

Savory chicken isn't the same without him.

I miss the way we fight over my "The Best of The Doors" CD. He claims it's his. It's really not.

I miss hearing him laugh. I even miss hearing him curse.

His hugs--I miss how they've always made me feel like no one could ever harm me. I could really use one right now.

I don't know what I would give to just see him one more time. To just hear him call me "Anak".

And yes, I miss dancing with him. He was quite a dancer.  One of these days, I will scan and post the picture of me and Papa dancing around the house.

For now, this song will do. (Grabe, super naiyak naman ako while writing this entry)

"Every night I fall asleep
And this is all I ever dream"