I have a secret blog.  I've been writing in it for the past 4 or 5 months, I think.  They are basically unsent letters to J.  I'm contemplating on whether it's time to take it down.

It's been close to 2 weeks since I last wrote there.  Here is the "letter" I wrote today.  I think this will also be the last I letter I will write.

(After this, I will try to squeeze in time to write about my fabulous trip!)
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I didn't think I would still write here.

Oh well, maybe this will be the last.  Maybe.

Whatever heartache I had left, I buried in one of the islands in Caramoan.  Actually, I may have left it in NAIA last Friday when I departed for Naga.

I had a wonderful trip. My boss was right, that was all I needed-- some time to get lost to find myself. Some time to derail from the routine of life, so I can get myself back on track.

And you know what, I'm not just okay, I'm actually happy.  Again.

Without your love.  Again.

I still get asked what happened.  Not wanting to get into details because I don't want to talk about it anymore, I shrug and just say, "it's a long story".  But truthfully, the reason can be summed up in 2 words-- you left.  It's as simple as that.

I still love you.  You have no idea how much I do.  But I love myself  more.

And that is more than enough.

Enough to realize that I am a lot stronger than what I give myself credit for, and that I deserve to be with someone who will be stronger for me.  Enough to know that I gave you everything I could and that I was willing to give more, had you let me.  Enough to understand that you just didn't love me the same way I loved you.  Enough to admit that painful truth.  Enough to accept that maybe we are really better off as just friends.  

Enough to learn from all this.

:)

YOUNG, WILD AND FREE

Earlier this month, my boss suggested that I make travel plans so I can take a breather from everything.  God must love me so much because the next day, a guardian angel disguised as a friend bought me and a friend of my choice roundtrip tickets to Naga.

I've been playing happy songs all morning (hence, the title of this blog entry).  Because tomorrow, my very good friend Carla and I will be in Caramoan.  I can finally take the Caramoan Peninsula off my bucket list.

It's been a sad week for me because a lot of people I care for are also going through hard times.  A dear Aunt passed away last Friday.  A very good friend's 2-year relationship with her boyfriend ended.  Another very good friend's 8-year-old business is on the verge of closing down.

January 2012 seems to be all about saying goodbye.  For a very good reason, I hope.

But let's not delve on that for now.

Because I AM SOOOOOOOOOO EXCITEEEDDD FOR TOMORRRROOWWW!!!

Cheers to staying young, wild (in a good way) and free!!!

Will write about my trip when I get back :)

Toodles!

I'VE LEARNED

A very good friend sent this to me a couple of days ago.  It's very much worth sharing :)
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I've Learned by Wendy Butler
That the best classroom in the world is at the feet of an elderly person.
That when you’re in love, it shows.
That just one person saying to me, “You’ve made my day!” makes my day.
That having a child fall asleep in your arms is one of the most peaceful feelings in the world.

That being kind is more important than being right.
That you should never say no to a gift from a child.
That I can always pray for someone when I don’t have the strength to help him in some other way.
That no matter how serious your life requires you to be, everyone needs a friend to act goofy with.

That sometimes all a person needs is a hand to hold and a heart to understand.
That simple walks with my father around the block on summer nights when I was a child did wonders for me as an adult.
That life is like a roll of toilet paper. The closer it gets to the end, the faster it goes.
That we should be glad God doesn’t give us everything we ask for.

That money doesn’t buy class.
That it’s those small daily happenings that make life so spectacular.
That under everyone’s hard shell is someone who wants to be appreciated and loved.
That the Lord didn’t do it all in one day. What makes me think I can?

That to ignore the facts does not change the facts.
That when you plan to get even with someone, you are only letting that person continue to hurt you.
That love, not time, heals all wounds.
That the easiest way for me to grow as a person is to surround myself with people smarter than I am.

That everyone you meet deserves to be greeted with a smile.
That there’s nothing sweeter than sleeping with your babies and feeling their breath on your cheeks.
That no one is perfect until you fall in love with them.
That life is tough, but I’m tougher.

That opportunities are never lost; someone will take the ones you miss.
That when you harbor bitterness, happiness will dock elsewhere.
That I wish I could have told my Mom that I love her, one more time, before she passed away.
That one should keep his words both soft and tender, because tomorrow he may have to eat them.

That a smile is an inexpensive way to improve your looks.
That I can’t choose how I feel, but I can choose what I do about it.
That when your newly born grandchild holds your little finger in his little fist, that you’re hooked for life.
That everyone wants to live on top of the mountain, but all the happiness and growth occurs while you’re climbing it.

That it is best to give advice in only two circumstances; when it is requested and when it is a life-threatening situation.
That the less time I have to work with, the more things I get done.

Just when I thought I had no more tears left to shed...







Here we go again.

After 32 years, 6 relationships and 5 break-ups with me always being the dumpee (can't count Jason coz he passed away) you'd think by now I would know how to cope with heartbreak.  You'd think.  But I don't.  I guess it just goes to show that no matter how old we get, we'll never truly be old enough to know better.

Don't get me wrong, I understand that each relationship is different, taking into account that each of them happened with different people, at a different time, when I was a different person.

But when you're always the dumpee and never the dumper, it's all pretty much the same, really.  It's someone declaring that they have changed the way they feel about you, and not in a good way.  It's someone giving up on you, and the emotions that stem from someone you love walking away from you is never pretty.  When someone you deem important to your life slams the door to their heart in your face, it is nothing short of painful.

And just the same, just like the others who have left you, you are left with nothing to do but grieve, pick up the pieces and charge everything to experience.

I've been going out a lot lately.  A little too much.  I think am terrified of being alone.  So I grab every opportunity to indulge in a few hours of revelry so I can consign myself to oblivion.  As an attempt to forget, even for awhile.  Yet even when I'm talking to someone, drinking or partying, my real feelings always finds a way of resurfacing.  It also doesn't help that I see him in little mundane things like green ribbons, burritos, hard-bound books, coke and my earphones.  I've also been trying to not use the nice pen he gave me.  Just so I can forget.

And then there's that magazine article about my relationship with him that's supposed to come out this month.  And I've been praying that by some stroke of luck, they decide not to publish it.  I don't need another reminder.    

I also stopped communicating with him.  It's been over a week now.  I'm struggling.  Everyday, I fight a battle with myself because a huge part of me wants to pick up my phone, call him and ask him how he is.  And the only thing that stops me each time I get the urge to call or text him is this: He hasn't gotten in touch with me either.

When we broke up, I told myself that I should be okay in a week.  But it's been close to 2 weeks and though I no longer cry every 15 minutes, sadness has not eluded me.  I know I will get better, it's just a matter of when. 

I don't think I'll ever really be old enough to know better. And maybe that also means that I'll never be old enough to love.  Again.

My BUNNY! Playlist

Because it's a month away from Valentine's (bitter, hahahaha!), it's only fitting that I share with you my BUNNY! playlist.

Break Up Na Naman, Yech!

Here goes:

Happier- A Fine Frenzy

 "Say what you mean, what you mean is you'll be happier without me"

Nothing but a Miracle- Diane Birch (do check out her version with Daryl Hall)
"Gettin just so tired of waking up with a lonely heart
I'm getting so tired of giving a damn about an absent hearted man"

The Reason Why- Rachael Yamagata

"It's not that I don't understand you, it's not that I don't want to be with you
But you only wanted me the way you wanted me"

Sunday Afternoon- Rachael Yamagata
"You have blood on your hands and I'm feeling faint, and honey you can't decide"

I Can't Make You Love Me- Bonnie Raitt
"I'll close my eyes then I won't see, the love you don't feel when you're holding me"

Rolling in the Deep- Adele

"You had my heart inside of your hands, but you played it with a beating."

Pretty Wings- Maxwell
"I had to leave. I had to live."


Never is  Promise- Fiona Apple
"You'll say you understand, you'll never understand
I'll say I'll never wake up knowing how or why
I don't know what to believe in, you don't know who I am
You'll say I need appeasing when I start to cry
But never is a promise and I'll never need a lie"

Oh Well- Fiona Apple

"It took me such a long time to get back up the first time you did it
I spent all I had to get it back, and now it seems I've been outbidded"

Jar of Hears- Christina Perri

"And it took so long just to feel alright
Remember how to put back the light in my eyes
I wish I had missed the first time that we kissed
Coz you broke all your promises"

The World Spins Madly On- The Weepies

"I thought of you and where you'd gone
And the world spins madly on." 

For Good- Wicked

"Who can say if I've been changed for the better?
But because I knew you, I have been changed for good."

Lil Sumn-Sumn- Kelly Price

"I love you, but I won't cry though I'm messed up and broken inside"


Girl from the Gutter- Kina 
"For all the times you said "I got your back"
For all the times you stabbed me
For all the times you tried to hurt my pride
For all the pain I held down deep inside"

Otherwise- Morcheeba

"I wanna take up your love but it's locked in a vault"

This Ain't Goodbye- Train

"This ain't goodbye, it's not where our story ends
but I know you can't be mine, not the way you've always been"

Talking to the Moon- Bruno Mars

"Cause every night, I'm talking to the moon
Still trying to get to you"

The Heart of the Matter- India Arie

"I've been learning to live without you now,
but I miss you, baby
The more I know, the less I understand
All the things I thought I'd figure out, I have to learn again"

They dragged me out of the house and bought me shots of tequila.

Beer. Vodka. Red wine. Margaritas. Martinis. Coffee.

They fed me.

Pasta. Steak. Pizza. Dimsum. Char kway teow (i love!). Truffle fries. Melted queso de bola. Ensaymada. Suman with latik. Damn good veggie empanadas (it was veggie thursday). Chicken croquettes. Liver pate and caramelized onions on fita crackers. Chocolate macademia cookies.

They stayed with me till late, even if we all had to wake up early the next day for work.

They took me clubbing.

And tolerated my ala-concert-sa-Araneta singing inside their car.

They took me to the movies. With matching tumbler of my favorite buttered popcorn.

They bought me and a friend of my choice roundtrip tickets to Naga (I chose someone who I knew was also going through something tough). I am sooo excited for Caramoan!

They made sure I got home safe.

They gave me a 2012 planner, so I wouldn't keep my hopes up about still receiving the Paulo Coelho planner that I really wanted. Plus, I really needed one for work already.

They gave me a long, big and tight hug. And they let me cry. Even when I got their shirts wet from the tears.

They sat with me and listened to me while I sobbed, even if they couldn't make out what I was trying to say.

They sent me e-mails. Chatted with me online.

I would almost always wake up to a text message from one of them, wishing me happiness and more strength to face the day.

I would receive random calls from them throughout the day, asking me what I was doing or where I was going after work. Asking me how I am holding up, assuring me that I will be back to my fabulous self. Eventually.

And if they find out that I'm alone, they would come over, just to keep me company.

I am so overwhelmed by how much my friends love me. I FEEL REALLY LUCKY.

I'm not going to name who did what because that doesn't matter. What matters the most to me is how each one of them made it a point to be there for me, in one way or another, during this very trying time.

They didn't let me down, when I was down.

It still hurts, but not as much. I'm still a wreck, but just a little bit. I think I'm okay. Not bursting with fruit flavor here but at least I don't cry anymore.

I still love him. I know that I always will.

BUT

It was last night when I realized that maybe I was clinging on to the sentiment that I knew him for 7 years, that we had, what I believed in, was a deep friendship. And I couldn't accept the fact that in a matter of months, he just cast it all aside. I found it (and still find it) hard to digest that he didn't fight for us and that makes me feel like he didn't give enough value and importance to what I thought, was a strong foundation for a relationship. It was last night when it dawned on me that maybe his whole "I just need you to be my bestfriend" line was just something he said to soften the blow. Because really, this is not how you treat a friend, let alone a bestfriend.

I mean, honestly, does it really matter how long you've known a friend? Because I think that if they really matter to you, that should be enough to last your friendship.

And that's how I remembered all the things that my friends have been doing for me this past week, all their efforts just so I can get myself together again. Just so I can smile. And as I was driving home alone, I found myself saying this out loud:

Why are you pining over one person who's weighing you down when you have several people who have done nothing but try to pull you back up?

And that's when I decided that it's time to get out of this freakin rabbit hole.

I'm soooo not letting my friends down.

:)

I will not write about this here, I've been telling myself for the past few days.

But I can't seem to write about anything else.  I can't seem to think about anything else.

It took us 7 years to get to where we were and it only took him 4 months to give up.

I can't make sense of it. Most of my time is spent wondering why he decided to leave, why he couldn't find it in his heart to try and make it work, why he no longer needed and wanted me the way I did.  All day long I ask myself the same questions: How did I fail him?  What did I do wrong?  Is it really over?

It doesn't help that I've been dreaming about him too often.  Dreams of him with his arms around me or receiving a text from him that reads I miss you.  Dreams that remind me of how much I love him.  Dreams that used to have a possibility of being real but now they are just that and they are all I have left--Dreams. Waking up is a reminder of what I lost and what I miss.

I still carry around the poem he wrote for me on my notebook.  It's the nicest thing he's ever given me and sometimes I still read it so I can manage to smile a little.  I would have torn the pages apart by now but I can't muster enough strength to do so.  Like the rest of our memories together, it's just way too precious to destroy.

I watched him change into a person I wasn't familiar with. He grew distant.  But I can't bring myself to be angry because it's not like he cheated on me or lied to me.  If anything, he was honest to a fault.  Why would I accuse him of being true to his feelings?

If there's anyone to blame, it is me. Like an unspecified sixth sense, I heard it in the guarded tone of his voice whenever we would talk and I saw it in the lifeless eyes that would look back at me. I want to be the person to make him happy but that would only be like trying to revive someone after they flatline.  I blame myself for not acknowledging that he had already checked out on me way before he ended things. I want to bop myself in the head for making myself believe that things would go back to the way they were, for telling myself that I was just being paranoid by thinking that he was probably no longer inlove with me.

It was sometime last month when I realized that I didn't have much time left with him.  Like a prisoner on death row, I knew my time was coming but I was still hoping for pardon.  But pardon never came, and maybe if I was strong enough to admit that, I wouldn't feel like such a wreck.

People keep asking me why I put up with it, why I played along for over 2 months,  why I allowed myself to be treated in such an unloving way.  The truth is,  I never had to put up with him.  I accepted him.  And if there's anything I've learned, it's that love is acceptance.  And just as he accepted me for everything that I am, I accepted him for everything that he is, even if he changed.  I wasn't ready to throw in the towel but I guess he was.  It takes two to tango, they say.  As much as I wanted for the relationship to survive, there was no way it could if I was dancing alone.

"I was happier when we were just friends", that line plays in my head like a broken record and each time, it kills me...little by little, bit by bit.  I've been trying to hold it together, really, even if I want to rip my heart out of my chest every fucking minute.

And I wish I could lick my wounds as easily as rubbing pencil marks on paper.  But I'm just not built that way.

For now, I just want to be okay.  I'm not even aiming for happiness, that's like reaching for the moon.

I just want to be okay.

ADIEU, 2011!

If someone were to ask me to describe my 2011 in one word, I would have to say that it has been a year of breakthroughs.

I was very intimated by 2011.  Going into this year, my greatest fear was not being able to provide my son's needs.  But despite my fright,  I welcomed it with my game face on.  I worked harder and I accepted more tasks and responsibilities at work.

And you know what, at first I thought I wouldn't make it.  But I DID IT. I effin did it.

(to the irresponsible bozo who thought I wouldn't make it, so sorry to disappoint you. BELAT!)


I managed to send Joaquin to a great school and he still goes to therapy twice a week.  He's healthy and happy, which is really all I want him to be.

It wasn't easy and there were a lot of moments this year when I just wanted to break down, cry and disappear into oblivion, but God has never failed me.  He always finds a way to save me.  I can't count how many times I've been on the brink of giving up but indeed, God works in beautiful and mysterious ways.

So while I will always be proud of my son-- this year, I couldn't be more prouder of myself. *pats myself on the back*


That my friends, is my biggest breakthrough this year: discovering that I can do this on my own (with the love, support and help of family and friends).


And just when I thought that God couldn't love me more, he made me fall inlove pa! (parang BONUS, haha!)  And not just with anyone, but with my own bestfriend.  I had already convinced myself that it would never happen to me again, that these things don't happen to complicated women like me, but it did.  I didn't think that anyone would ever accept me--baggage, flaws and all, but J did.  It has been amazing.

As of this writing, we are still in limbo and though I'm still sad about our relationship's current condition, I will always be grateful to J for a lot of things: his friendship, love and acceptance.

J, if you're reading this, I know that the past couple of months have been confusing for the both of us.  Nevertheless, thank you for making me smile and laugh, for being responsible for this glow. I can't remember the last time I was with someone who I could completely trust.  I don't think I have ever been with anyone who I could just sit down and be quiet with and not feel uncomfortable. I think that's one of my best memories of us, sitting by the porch with my head on your shoulder, doing nothing. Whether or not we make it, please know that I am forever changed because of you and what you have shown me. I will always be by your side, for as long as you want me to. I love you so much.

This year, I believed in love again. (another breakthrough)


2011 taught me one important lesson: DON'T GIVE UP ON PEOPLE YOU LOVE.

The love I have for Joaquin and the love he showers me with was my only armor when I was was having financial difficulty this year.  When you love someone, you would do anything in your power to make sure they have everything they need.  You would do anything to make sure they are happy.

And as 2011 comes to a close, I am still afraid, but this time I'm more enthusiastic of the year that awaits.

Happy New Year to all of you :)

MY SILVER LINING

I've been having bad dreams for the past couple of weeks.  The first week was fine because the dreams didn't come very often but the past week has been just dreadful. Everyday, I would dream about something so horrible, I would wake up either crying or clutching my chest.  It has now gotten to a point where I don't want to sleep anymore because I am petrified of my dreams.  Last night was the first dreamless sleep I have had in awhile and for that, I am thankful and relieved.

In a few days, it will be Christmas and I've been making an effort to feel the yuletide spirit.  Really, I have.  Amidst my troubles, I tried to make our home look more festive.   I'm also almost done with my Christmas shopping but I haven't wrapped a single gift yet (hoping to do that tonight).

Early this month, I (with the help of a few friends. thanks guys!) granted the wishes of a number of cancer warrior kids.  I remember bringing the gifts to the foundation a day before their Christmas party and I really wanted to go to the party the next day (Hi Cha!) but I didn't think my heart could take it.  I did not want to be known as the crazy woman who was crying while the kids who are in a more heartbreaking state than she was received their christmas wishes. Mababa luha ko sa ganun eh.

Lately, people on facebook have been posting photos of victims of Typhoon Sendong and while I know I will help in whatever way I can, I can't bear to look at a single photo.

If you ask me how I am, I would tell you that things are easier.  But if there's one thing I learned recently, it's that just because things are easier doesn't mean things are better.  There's a thin hairline between the two.

I don't know why and this is baffling but I usually find my personal life in turmoil at around this time of the year.  It's like I'm cursed or something. And while I find delight in making people, especially my son happy during Christmas, for the life of me, I can't remember the last time I felt ecstatic during the holidays.

A few months ago, I thought that this year was it.  I found myself looking forward to what people would consider the most wonderful time of the year.  But here I am again. It's that time of the year. Again.

If you know me well, you know that I am an optimist by heart.  I'm a happy camper.  I've always embraced my inner Pollyanna.  I'm Ms. Brightside.

Albeit not evident in my recent entries, I can still see a silver lining amidst all this.

The silver lining are the people I have in my life.  At the end of the day, the people that really matter are the ones who are there when you are at your worst.  These people have never left me and I consider them to be my greatest blessings.


There's my son who shows and tells me everyday that he loves me.  He has always been my source of strength.

And then there's my friends.  I can't even begin to tell you how awesome my friends have been throughout this whole ordeal.  These are the people I call in the middle of the night or in the middle of the day to just talk to about the most mundane or profound things in life.

April, oh maaah gaaah!  Thank you for noticing my big ass 17 (?) years ago because look at the friendship it has brought us.  You were first person I ran to when all this started and you have constantly been there.  Nakakatawa ka whenever I call because the first thing you would say would be, "Okay, what happened? Are you okay?".  Thank you for going to my house armed with wine or beer.  Thank you for making me laugh. Thank you for always playing devil's advocate. I swear, you have the brain of a man trapped in a woman's gorgeous body! I love you so much and I hope we spend our whole lives shakin' our groove thang and whipping our hair back and forth. Hahaha!

To my dear Carla, we've known each other since I was in 2nd grade and we have a friendship that shows no signs of ever withering. Joaquin loves you and your kids so much because of the outburst of love that you show us.  You've been through tougher times and look at where you are now.  You always say I'm strong but trust me, you're a lot stronger than what you give yourself credit for. Thank you for having me over a little too much. Hahaha! That afternoon we spent in your bed, eating hot ensaymada while watching new episodes of our favorite shows was comforting.  Thank you for allowing me to find solace (and FUN!) in your company.

TJ, Carlan and Rose-- you're more than lunch buddies to me, you should know that.  I know that the past months have been difficult (and quite ugly) to look at.  I will never forget how you guys just sat with me at the yosi area while I cried.  I know I haven't been saying much lately. It doesn't mean that I don't want to share anything with you guys anymore.  I just don't want to talk about my sadness because I know it hurts you girls to see me this way.  I'm slowly getting the cheerful and perky Bunny back.  Steady lang kayo :)  Thank you for your friendship and love.  Super duper love ko kayo.

JM and Ains, what would I ever do without the two of you?  You guys are both very busy with work and we all live in different cities and yet you guys find time for me.  JM, thank you for picking me up at work whenever my car's coding.  You have no idea how much I appreciate that.  I know that we don't always see eye to eye but thank you for listening to me.  I still laugh whenever I remember the conversation we had the other day.  Thank you for saying that I'm phat, not fat. LOL.  Ains, soul sisters tayo forever :)

                                         

My pakners.  We've all been so busy lately. One is getting married very soon (Woohoooo!!!), one is busy helping the world become a better place (I'm seriously so proud of you.  We have to catch up soon.)  while the other is like me, busy being a single working mother.  We don't see each other often but we spend lots of time online catching up.  How long have we been friends? Gawd, 14 years na! Awesome, isn't it?  I'm lucky to have girls like you to lean on. Thank you for all your sensible advice and for watching out for me and Joaquin all the time  Lab yu!

Bea (I don't have a photo of you. Why is that? Haha! We're having our photo taken at the post-christmas get together okay?),  I had fun during our date.  I don't know if I've ever told you but I've been asked a few times by our Merville friends how we became so close.  On the outside, people think we're so different but little do they know that we also have a lot of things in common.  Thank you for always giving me a different perspective on things.  You were the only friend of mine who talked to me about timelines and I really agree with you on that.  I will always be here for you and you know you can always call me, right? *wink*

So there.  Even when I feel like I'm falling in this very deep rabbit hole, I have the sense to look up and see several people who are ready to throw the rope at me when I'm ready to climb back up again.

:)