DEAR 2013

Dear 2013,

If you were a person, you'd look somewhat like this:

Photo from Pinterest

Okay, maybe not that skinny. But you get the picture, right?  You'd be stylish, calm, collected and poised, with your beautiful shiny wavy no-need-to-be-blowdried-hair.  And everyone would turn their head while you strut around town in your sexy stilettos without worrying about blisters on your toes or ankles at the end of the night.  You are sexy and you know it.  You are worry-free and it's true.  You are reeking of awesomeness.

Thank you for giving me so much--a lot of which I had to work really hard for (hey, give credit where credit is due!). But nevertheless, thank you for opening up so many wonderful doors for me.

Thank you for making me believe in my body and what it is capable of doing.  For giving it the confidence to finish 2 half marathons this year. For giving me the strength to continue to run and lose weight in the process. I'd like to think that this is the best I have looked in the past 7 years (please feel free to correct me if I am wrong).

This year, you taught me how to bake and while I no longer bake as often as I would like to (too much sugar is bad bad bad. Diabetes runs in my family), I am very grateful for this new skill.

You gave me a really unexpected gift this year--an opportunity to do what I have always loved--going out, meeting and talking to people. It was not something I had asked for.  I don't even recall ever hinting that I wanted it.  I thought I had gotten too old for change. I thought that that ship has sailed. But thank you for knowing better than me.  Thank you for taking me out of my comfort zone and for planting me in a job where I am always on my toes. To say that I am happy for this chance to be challenged (sometimes infuriatingly) again in my career is an understatement.

Thank you also for making me fall inlove with myself again. I can't remember the last time I had so much fun just not being in a relationship.  So much fun that I surprisingly didn't miss being in one.  I don't know if you and Karma had a conversation but it seems that this was the year dear old karma worked in my favor.

You were tough too, at times.  The biggest git this year was having to force myself to say goodbye to someone I wasn't ready to say goodbye to. You took away my Uncle Dan, my dad's brother, the only person on this earth who didn't make missing Papa so hard because he was so much like him. He was always asking me and my sisters to visit him in Baguio but we never got around to doing it.

Sigh.

Anyway...

Thank you for my family's health and for helping my son continuously improve as the days go by. He is doing very well in school, better than I had predicted, in fact.  Thank you for making us laugh, sometimes at our errors. Thank you for keeping us safe, for always keeping us together and for never failing to give us what we need.

My favorite bit about you, 2013 was the wonderful relationships (old and new) that have blossomed within your months. My family and I grow closer everyday, even when we sometimes find ourselves breathing down each other's necks from a thousand miles away. Thank you for fortifying my friendships and for teaching me to learn to let go of the ones that no longer bring me positivity.

As you draw to a close, I can only hope that 2014 brings me more joy, learning experiences and enough pain to gather strength from.

I love you, 2013. You were a very good year.

Now, on to the next one.

BREAKING UP WITH A FRIEND

A couple of years ago I stopped talking to a very good friend because in the middle of a very stressful personal situation, he hung up on me.  I texted him right after to tell him how bad I felt that he would hang up on me at a time like that and he never replied.  Not even the next day or the week after. Before I knew it, a year had already gone by.

I still think about the kind of friendship I shared with him from time to time--of what a shame it is that he would just throw it all away like that.

I got a facebook message from him this year asking me if I was still mad. I didn't reply.  A few days before Christmas, he messaged me again saying, "Advance Merry Christmas". I still didn't reply.  On Christmas day, he sends me another message greeting me a Merry Christmas.  And yep, you guessed right--I still didn't reply.

Our common friends have been asking me why I haven't bothered to reply when he is obviously reaching out. And I tell them the same thing--If he can type something as long as "Merry Christmas", I'm pretty sure "Sorry" wouldn't require so much effort.

But then again, the latter would also require lowering something he has so much of: PRIDE. And if it has to take someone 2 years to message a friend who has always been there for him, I mean, really--what kind of a friend is that?

And no, don't even get me started on the whole real-friends-don't-need-to-say-sorry crap.  Manners are manners, period.

Among all those who have done me wrong, his was the only apology I was still hoping to receive.  And I guess that's one of the reasons why I never unfriended him on Facebook. But, well.

They say life gets easier when you learn to accept an apology you never got.  And looking back at the 2 years that we haven't been friends, I have gotten by very well.  I almost had the urge to call him a couple of nights ago and ask him out for drinks.  Just to thank him for reaching out.  But mostly to remind him why we are no longer friends, to let him know how awful I felt that day he abandoned me by hanging up on me in the midst of my distress. Just to let him know for one final time that so much time has passed and that I don't think we can ever be friends again, ever.

After all, time heals all wounds and as of date, the wounds I have incurred from that fateful day have already turned into scars--scars which I can no longer even see, unless I look very, very closely.

Maybe I should just send him this entry, noh?

MUST BE THE MEDICINE TALKING

I'm down with the flu. I don't even know how I managed to work today feeling like this.

I have a 38-degree temp, I've got the chills, my entire body is aching and on top of that, I have cough, colds and a sore throat. 

Damn this flu. 

And this may be the NyQuil talking but I suddenly wish I had a man to take care of me. 

Even just for tonight. 

I've been meaning to write.  Believe me, I've tried several times only to find myself frustratingly unsatisfied with what I wrote so I select all, delete and log out.  I think I've forgotten how to write but then again, I am not a writer and at the rate I'm going, I never will be.

Some days, I visit my old blog and start to wonder: Where is She?

I used to be able to write about how I felt without caring about what other people thought. I threw caution to the wind by typing whatever it was my heart was saying, no holds barred. These days, I find myself screening what I have to say, worrying about who might stumble upon this little page.  The world is too small, and the Philippines--even smaller.  But let's be realistic, I don't even think anyone still comes here.  I don't think anyone really gives a shit.

Oh, but I do.  Before Joaquin, writing has always been the one thing that kept me sane.  I've kept a journal (offline and online) for as long as I can remember.  Putting my thoughts, no matter how personal, into words most of the time gave me the enlightenment I needed.  And I do need some right now.

Let's get to it, shall we?

I've been putting so much pressure upon myself at work that a few weeks ago I found myself asking if it was worth leaving my comfort zone for this. When you're in sales, it's all about the network you keep and since I was in the BPO industry for 8.5 years prior to this job, the only network I have are all overseas. I'm starting from scratch and I'm at the bottom of the barrel again.  I used to be a big fish in a pond and now I am plankton in the deep blue sea.  All things considering, I'm kind of amazed at how many clients I have managed to contact and meet all on my own.  What drives me to be better and really excel is my belief in our product and my faith in my bosses.  Wish me luck, guys.

I'm still not seeing anyone as of the moment and I don't think I'm ready to get back on the dating horse just yet.  However, my friends have been encouraging me to try online dating.  Against my better judgement, I am now a registered member of a couple of dating sites and I have also downloaded a dating app.  And just as I predicted, still no luck.  There were a couple of promising ones but conversations suddenly became boring and one of them started sending me photos of his torso and underwear. Blocked him. Silver lining: these matching sites have added humor to my daily life.

I don't mean to be mean, but there must have been a whackjob of a woman out there who told men that women want to see shirtless photos of them. Forgivable if they had abs, but believe me, 80% of the half-naked photos I have seen, do not have a single trace of washboard abs on them.  There was even a shirtless guy in a freaking cowboy hat!  And he's Asian! Why oh why oh why oh why oh why?

So anyway, I have to go.  I'm as low bat as my laptop is right now (10%).  Went to a friend's party last night, indulged in a little too much merlot, came home at 3am and woke up at 7am with a hangover from hell.

Goodnight.

The first words that came out of my mouth when I woke up last Saturday were, "What the f!@% was that?".

I dreamt about someone from my past, someone I haven't seen or heard from in 2-3 years.

It gets freakier.

I was having coffee at our patio when he texts me.  And the next thing I knew, he was already having coffee with me.

There's so much (so much is an understatement) history between me and this guy and there's no way I would ever even consider going back.  It was nice seeing him again but I also found myself hating the fact that despite no communication for so long, it was still so easy and comfortable to talk to him.


Most parts of this song say how I feel about this whole blast from the past incident.

"Even If I Don't"
Rachael Yamagata

I miss you most in the morning
Most every morning
I wake up thinking
I could call
I could come visit
I could come running
We could relive it

But when I think of all that we've been through
Going back to you
Seems such a foolish thing to do
I hope you know
That even if I don't
I wanted to

All those words
You said at the ending
Were pretty revealing
And I can't forget them
All those ways
We missed at connecting
Despite all our trying
It always came back to
What I couldn't give you

So when I think of starting up again
Or trying to be friends
It seems impossible to do
I hope you know
That even if we can't
I wanted to
Who knows why
Two people perfectly aligned
Should ever have to find themselves apart
I'll never understand my heart
I miss you
Most in the morning
Most every morning
I wake up crying

Whenever people ask me how I'm finding my new job, I always say that I am not having fun--yet.

IT'S BEEN CRAZY!

I am almost never at the office.  My days are booked with meetings and client presentations, minimum 2 a day.  I sent an email to my sales team last Thursday asking them not to set any appointments on Friday afternoons so we can all meet and talk about what happened during the week and what our goals are for the coming week.  My skin is breaking out, I'm not used to wearing make-up everyday.  Gladly, my feet have gotten used to running in heels.

The upside of all this is, I'm meeting so many great people face-to-face.  My old job entailed talking to different people too, but it's usually just over the phone (as my clients were mostly abroad).  I am also learning so much from my colleagues who actually work for the other subsidiaries but have been helping out with the project.  Although I feel like I am still walking on eggshells with the people I work with, I am slowly warming up to them. Just the other day, I had a laugh out loud moment with my boss in the pantry and she jokingly slapped me on the arm.

I also had a one-day crush on someone at the office but I found out he's married after I stalked his Facebook (Dear Married Men, please wear your wedding rings!). No way in hell I'm going that road. What's funny is that I had a couple of friends over for drinks last week and I was telling them about this guy and they asked to see a picture.  When I showed it to them, one of them said "Oh Shit, it's ____!".  Turns out one-day crush is my friend's brother's bestfriend.  The world is too small.

Also, I finally got to take advantage of the cheap beer at work.  In all my years of working, I have never left the office buzzed, until yesterday.

I guess that's it. I'm sorry my life has been so blah.  Pray it gets more exciting in the coming months, yes?

Ciao!

ES EM CEE

I started my new job last Monday and it has been one hell of a week--in a good way. 

I'm really excited about our product which we will formally launch in September. In a nutshell, it's going to change the way you  pay for products and services, and manage your money. 

I've been in back-to-back meetings all week and just this morning, my new boss appointed me to work with our contact center in forming our helpdesk group. It isn't really a part of the job I signed up for but I am more than happy to do it because it's an industry I am very familiar and still comfortable with. 

The travel time to and from work has surprisingly been manageable (average 45mins). As soon as I drop Joaquin off at school, I head to my office in Ortigas (although technically, it's in Mandaluyong). I always arrive at least 45 minutes early which gives me ample time to have coffee and spend time by myself. 

I cannot be more relieved that it's Friday tomorrow. I miss baking. My mom recently sent me and Joaquin cookie cutters for every shape imaginable, baking pans (I finally have decent baking pans, whoopee!) and a really cool dessert decorator. We will put those to good use this weekend. 

This is where I work now, by the way. For those of you in the Philippines, the building should be familiar. Joaquin loves that I now work for the company that makes his favorite hotdogs. On the other hand, I'm thrilled to be working for the company that makes my favorite beer. Haha! (Our canteen sells beer after 6pm, how cool is that?)

That is all, for now. Will update soon! Toodles! 

BEEN BUSY

I've been busy.

It's my last week at work so the past couple of weeks have been spent turning over everything to my colleague.

I also went to my new employer yesterday for a meeting and everything looks promising. I officially start working for them on Monday and I am very very excited!

I wish I could share more on my new job and I am itching to write about it, but I have to keep mum until we launch.

P.S.
My 2nd half marathon turned out okay. I can't say it was great because I was undertrained. I'm just glad I finished at a decent time and I kept my pace all throughout.

Joaquin took this photo of me when I got home. He insisted I hold my medal.

 

MOVING FORWARD

A very good and wise friend told me that you can't move forward without leaving something behind. 

I wrote my resignation letter today crying. I couldn't even muster the courage to hand it to my boss, so I left it at her desk before I left work.  After 9 years, I'm leaving a company filled with people who matter to me. 

I am sad and excited all at the same time. 

BAHALA NA SI BATMAN!

I am running another 21K tomorrow.   Unlike my first half marathon, I didn't have enough time to train for this as I only found out I was doing this last week. 

This was originally my boss' and her husband's race kits but they suddenly had to schedule an out of town trip last week and they suddenly convinced me to run using their race kits.  So I coerced my friend, April to run with me. She was the one who took me to my first 5K and I want to be the one to take her to her first 21K. 

Of course I want to beat my previous time but like I said, there was not enough time to train, so I'm putting my fate in tomorrow's race in Batman's hands. Bahala na siya!