I've been meaning to write.  Believe me, I've tried several times only to find myself frustratingly unsatisfied with what I wrote so I select all, delete and log out.  I think I've forgotten how to write but then again, I am not a writer and at the rate I'm going, I never will be.

Some days, I visit my old blog and start to wonder: Where is She?

I used to be able to write about how I felt without caring about what other people thought. I threw caution to the wind by typing whatever it was my heart was saying, no holds barred. These days, I find myself screening what I have to say, worrying about who might stumble upon this little page.  The world is too small, and the Philippines--even smaller.  But let's be realistic, I don't even think anyone still comes here.  I don't think anyone really gives a shit.

Oh, but I do.  Before Joaquin, writing has always been the one thing that kept me sane.  I've kept a journal (offline and online) for as long as I can remember.  Putting my thoughts, no matter how personal, into words most of the time gave me the enlightenment I needed.  And I do need some right now.

Let's get to it, shall we?

I've been putting so much pressure upon myself at work that a few weeks ago I found myself asking if it was worth leaving my comfort zone for this. When you're in sales, it's all about the network you keep and since I was in the BPO industry for 8.5 years prior to this job, the only network I have are all overseas. I'm starting from scratch and I'm at the bottom of the barrel again.  I used to be a big fish in a pond and now I am plankton in the deep blue sea.  All things considering, I'm kind of amazed at how many clients I have managed to contact and meet all on my own.  What drives me to be better and really excel is my belief in our product and my faith in my bosses.  Wish me luck, guys.

I'm still not seeing anyone as of the moment and I don't think I'm ready to get back on the dating horse just yet.  However, my friends have been encouraging me to try online dating.  Against my better judgement, I am now a registered member of a couple of dating sites and I have also downloaded a dating app.  And just as I predicted, still no luck.  There were a couple of promising ones but conversations suddenly became boring and one of them started sending me photos of his torso and underwear. Blocked him. Silver lining: these matching sites have added humor to my daily life.

I don't mean to be mean, but there must have been a whackjob of a woman out there who told men that women want to see shirtless photos of them. Forgivable if they had abs, but believe me, 80% of the half-naked photos I have seen, do not have a single trace of washboard abs on them.  There was even a shirtless guy in a freaking cowboy hat!  And he's Asian! Why oh why oh why oh why oh why?

So anyway, I have to go.  I'm as low bat as my laptop is right now (10%).  Went to a friend's party last night, indulged in a little too much merlot, came home at 3am and woke up at 7am with a hangover from hell.

Goodnight.

The first words that came out of my mouth when I woke up last Saturday were, "What the f!@% was that?".

I dreamt about someone from my past, someone I haven't seen or heard from in 2-3 years.

It gets freakier.

I was having coffee at our patio when he texts me.  And the next thing I knew, he was already having coffee with me.

There's so much (so much is an understatement) history between me and this guy and there's no way I would ever even consider going back.  It was nice seeing him again but I also found myself hating the fact that despite no communication for so long, it was still so easy and comfortable to talk to him.


Most parts of this song say how I feel about this whole blast from the past incident.

"Even If I Don't"
Rachael Yamagata

I miss you most in the morning
Most every morning
I wake up thinking
I could call
I could come visit
I could come running
We could relive it

But when I think of all that we've been through
Going back to you
Seems such a foolish thing to do
I hope you know
That even if I don't
I wanted to

All those words
You said at the ending
Were pretty revealing
And I can't forget them
All those ways
We missed at connecting
Despite all our trying
It always came back to
What I couldn't give you

So when I think of starting up again
Or trying to be friends
It seems impossible to do
I hope you know
That even if we can't
I wanted to
Who knows why
Two people perfectly aligned
Should ever have to find themselves apart
I'll never understand my heart
I miss you
Most in the morning
Most every morning
I wake up crying