2002. Or 2003. I can't remember anymore. All I know is that my boyfriend had just dropped me off from my friend, Kookie's birthday in Grilla, Makati and there, parked on the street across from my house was my ex. The Ex.
I can't remember the last time I spoke to him but for the past couple of months he had been texting and calling me and I did nothing but pretend he didn't exist. I was working for a clothing store in Rockwell then and he was in law school in Ateneo which was in the same area. I would sometimes see him pace back and forth the facade of the store searching for me but I would bend my head down and pretend to be engrossed in work.
We were both in serious relationships with other people and it just didn't seem right to still stay in touch or see each other.
"What are you doing here?", I asked.
"Buns, I'm getting married tomorrow. She's pregnant. I've been wanting to talk to you but you have obviously been ignoring me."
Congratulations! You're going to be a dad and a husband!, I answered.
"It should have been you. It should have been you", he said over and over again.
I looked at him and was surprised to see that he was crying (I've never seen him cry before) and not really surprised because I have always felt that he loved me.
"Tell me I'm wrong, tell me that I'm making a mistake by marrying her tomorrow and I won't do it."
Still couldn't muster the courage to say anything.
"It should have been you, Buns. It should have been you."
He put his arms around me, and I could feel the light sobs pounding through his chest, but I couldn't find it in my heart to hug him back.
He gave me one last hug and then he drove away.
And that's when I cried.
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I wish I could say that this didn't really happen, that this was a scene from a screenplay I once wrote. But it did happen. I was looking for something in one of my drawers at home this morning and an old picture of me and him surfaced and this particular memory did too.
I've never written about it and only very few people know. But in the spirit of Valentine's (hey's it's still February!), I'm going to let it out.
He married her. Of course he did. And for a couple of years, I thought about that moment all the time. Wondered if I made the right decision. Wondered what would have happened if I told him not to marry her.
Because much as I don't want to admit it, he was my greatest love. Still is.
All I can tell you is that this is a chapter in the book of my life that has remained shut for so long and I intend to keep it that way.
Something in the universe just told me to take a little peek today so I can share it with you.
6 comments:
wow...
why didnt you hug him back? were you mad at him? were you mad at yourself?
do you think that if you hugged him back he would have stayed? and he wouldnt be your "should ahve been me"...
no need to answer any of the questions. you jsut obviosuly made my heart and mind race!
notsquare: I was mad at him for getting her pregnant. I was mad at myself for ignoring him. I was hurt because back then, I was convinced we would always end up together.
:(
He would have stayed, had you asked him to stay....
Hello, Anonymous! I don't know if we know each other but that's a nice thought.
However, it's 10 years too late and I don't like crying over spilt milk. BUT--if it was spilled Tequila Rose or Jack Daniels or Grey Goose, it would be a different story altogether. Hahaha!
Thanks for dropping by and don't be a stranger. Maybe next time, leave your name?
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