I have a secret blog.  I've been writing in it for the past 4 or 5 months, I think.  They are basically unsent letters to J.  I'm contemplating on whether it's time to take it down.

It's been close to 2 weeks since I last wrote there.  Here is the "letter" I wrote today.  I think this will also be the last I letter I will write.

(After this, I will try to squeeze in time to write about my fabulous trip!)
-------------------------------------------------

I didn't think I would still write here.

Oh well, maybe this will be the last.  Maybe.

Whatever heartache I had left, I buried in one of the islands in Caramoan.  Actually, I may have left it in NAIA last Friday when I departed for Naga.

I had a wonderful trip. My boss was right, that was all I needed-- some time to get lost to find myself. Some time to derail from the routine of life, so I can get myself back on track.

And you know what, I'm not just okay, I'm actually happy.  Again.

Without your love.  Again.

I still get asked what happened.  Not wanting to get into details because I don't want to talk about it anymore, I shrug and just say, "it's a long story".  But truthfully, the reason can be summed up in 2 words-- you left.  It's as simple as that.

I still love you.  You have no idea how much I do.  But I love myself  more.

And that is more than enough.

Enough to realize that I am a lot stronger than what I give myself credit for, and that I deserve to be with someone who will be stronger for me.  Enough to know that I gave you everything I could and that I was willing to give more, had you let me.  Enough to understand that you just didn't love me the same way I loved you.  Enough to admit that painful truth.  Enough to accept that maybe we are really better off as just friends.  

Enough to learn from all this.

:)

YOUNG, WILD AND FREE

Earlier this month, my boss suggested that I make travel plans so I can take a breather from everything.  God must love me so much because the next day, a guardian angel disguised as a friend bought me and a friend of my choice roundtrip tickets to Naga.

I've been playing happy songs all morning (hence, the title of this blog entry).  Because tomorrow, my very good friend Carla and I will be in Caramoan.  I can finally take the Caramoan Peninsula off my bucket list.

It's been a sad week for me because a lot of people I care for are also going through hard times.  A dear Aunt passed away last Friday.  A very good friend's 2-year relationship with her boyfriend ended.  Another very good friend's 8-year-old business is on the verge of closing down.

January 2012 seems to be all about saying goodbye.  For a very good reason, I hope.

But let's not delve on that for now.

Because I AM SOOOOOOOOOO EXCITEEEDDD FOR TOMORRRROOWWW!!!

Cheers to staying young, wild (in a good way) and free!!!

Will write about my trip when I get back :)

Toodles!

I'VE LEARNED

A very good friend sent this to me a couple of days ago.  It's very much worth sharing :)
--------------------------------------------------------


I've Learned by Wendy Butler
That the best classroom in the world is at the feet of an elderly person.
That when you’re in love, it shows.
That just one person saying to me, “You’ve made my day!” makes my day.
That having a child fall asleep in your arms is one of the most peaceful feelings in the world.

That being kind is more important than being right.
That you should never say no to a gift from a child.
That I can always pray for someone when I don’t have the strength to help him in some other way.
That no matter how serious your life requires you to be, everyone needs a friend to act goofy with.

That sometimes all a person needs is a hand to hold and a heart to understand.
That simple walks with my father around the block on summer nights when I was a child did wonders for me as an adult.
That life is like a roll of toilet paper. The closer it gets to the end, the faster it goes.
That we should be glad God doesn’t give us everything we ask for.

That money doesn’t buy class.
That it’s those small daily happenings that make life so spectacular.
That under everyone’s hard shell is someone who wants to be appreciated and loved.
That the Lord didn’t do it all in one day. What makes me think I can?

That to ignore the facts does not change the facts.
That when you plan to get even with someone, you are only letting that person continue to hurt you.
That love, not time, heals all wounds.
That the easiest way for me to grow as a person is to surround myself with people smarter than I am.

That everyone you meet deserves to be greeted with a smile.
That there’s nothing sweeter than sleeping with your babies and feeling their breath on your cheeks.
That no one is perfect until you fall in love with them.
That life is tough, but I’m tougher.

That opportunities are never lost; someone will take the ones you miss.
That when you harbor bitterness, happiness will dock elsewhere.
That I wish I could have told my Mom that I love her, one more time, before she passed away.
That one should keep his words both soft and tender, because tomorrow he may have to eat them.

That a smile is an inexpensive way to improve your looks.
That I can’t choose how I feel, but I can choose what I do about it.
That when your newly born grandchild holds your little finger in his little fist, that you’re hooked for life.
That everyone wants to live on top of the mountain, but all the happiness and growth occurs while you’re climbing it.

That it is best to give advice in only two circumstances; when it is requested and when it is a life-threatening situation.
That the less time I have to work with, the more things I get done.

Just when I thought I had no more tears left to shed...







Here we go again.

After 32 years, 6 relationships and 5 break-ups with me always being the dumpee (can't count Jason coz he passed away) you'd think by now I would know how to cope with heartbreak.  You'd think.  But I don't.  I guess it just goes to show that no matter how old we get, we'll never truly be old enough to know better.

Don't get me wrong, I understand that each relationship is different, taking into account that each of them happened with different people, at a different time, when I was a different person.

But when you're always the dumpee and never the dumper, it's all pretty much the same, really.  It's someone declaring that they have changed the way they feel about you, and not in a good way.  It's someone giving up on you, and the emotions that stem from someone you love walking away from you is never pretty.  When someone you deem important to your life slams the door to their heart in your face, it is nothing short of painful.

And just the same, just like the others who have left you, you are left with nothing to do but grieve, pick up the pieces and charge everything to experience.

I've been going out a lot lately.  A little too much.  I think am terrified of being alone.  So I grab every opportunity to indulge in a few hours of revelry so I can consign myself to oblivion.  As an attempt to forget, even for awhile.  Yet even when I'm talking to someone, drinking or partying, my real feelings always finds a way of resurfacing.  It also doesn't help that I see him in little mundane things like green ribbons, burritos, hard-bound books, coke and my earphones.  I've also been trying to not use the nice pen he gave me.  Just so I can forget.

And then there's that magazine article about my relationship with him that's supposed to come out this month.  And I've been praying that by some stroke of luck, they decide not to publish it.  I don't need another reminder.    

I also stopped communicating with him.  It's been over a week now.  I'm struggling.  Everyday, I fight a battle with myself because a huge part of me wants to pick up my phone, call him and ask him how he is.  And the only thing that stops me each time I get the urge to call or text him is this: He hasn't gotten in touch with me either.

When we broke up, I told myself that I should be okay in a week.  But it's been close to 2 weeks and though I no longer cry every 15 minutes, sadness has not eluded me.  I know I will get better, it's just a matter of when. 

I don't think I'll ever really be old enough to know better. And maybe that also means that I'll never be old enough to love.  Again.

My BUNNY! Playlist

Because it's a month away from Valentine's (bitter, hahahaha!), it's only fitting that I share with you my BUNNY! playlist.

Break Up Na Naman, Yech!

Here goes:

Happier- A Fine Frenzy

 "Say what you mean, what you mean is you'll be happier without me"

Nothing but a Miracle- Diane Birch (do check out her version with Daryl Hall)
"Gettin just so tired of waking up with a lonely heart
I'm getting so tired of giving a damn about an absent hearted man"

The Reason Why- Rachael Yamagata

"It's not that I don't understand you, it's not that I don't want to be with you
But you only wanted me the way you wanted me"

Sunday Afternoon- Rachael Yamagata
"You have blood on your hands and I'm feeling faint, and honey you can't decide"

I Can't Make You Love Me- Bonnie Raitt
"I'll close my eyes then I won't see, the love you don't feel when you're holding me"

Rolling in the Deep- Adele

"You had my heart inside of your hands, but you played it with a beating."

Pretty Wings- Maxwell
"I had to leave. I had to live."


Never is  Promise- Fiona Apple
"You'll say you understand, you'll never understand
I'll say I'll never wake up knowing how or why
I don't know what to believe in, you don't know who I am
You'll say I need appeasing when I start to cry
But never is a promise and I'll never need a lie"

Oh Well- Fiona Apple

"It took me such a long time to get back up the first time you did it
I spent all I had to get it back, and now it seems I've been outbidded"

Jar of Hears- Christina Perri

"And it took so long just to feel alright
Remember how to put back the light in my eyes
I wish I had missed the first time that we kissed
Coz you broke all your promises"

The World Spins Madly On- The Weepies

"I thought of you and where you'd gone
And the world spins madly on." 

For Good- Wicked

"Who can say if I've been changed for the better?
But because I knew you, I have been changed for good."

Lil Sumn-Sumn- Kelly Price

"I love you, but I won't cry though I'm messed up and broken inside"


Girl from the Gutter- Kina 
"For all the times you said "I got your back"
For all the times you stabbed me
For all the times you tried to hurt my pride
For all the pain I held down deep inside"

Otherwise- Morcheeba

"I wanna take up your love but it's locked in a vault"

This Ain't Goodbye- Train

"This ain't goodbye, it's not where our story ends
but I know you can't be mine, not the way you've always been"

Talking to the Moon- Bruno Mars

"Cause every night, I'm talking to the moon
Still trying to get to you"

The Heart of the Matter- India Arie

"I've been learning to live without you now,
but I miss you, baby
The more I know, the less I understand
All the things I thought I'd figure out, I have to learn again"

They dragged me out of the house and bought me shots of tequila.

Beer. Vodka. Red wine. Margaritas. Martinis. Coffee.

They fed me.

Pasta. Steak. Pizza. Dimsum. Char kway teow (i love!). Truffle fries. Melted queso de bola. Ensaymada. Suman with latik. Damn good veggie empanadas (it was veggie thursday). Chicken croquettes. Liver pate and caramelized onions on fita crackers. Chocolate macademia cookies.

They stayed with me till late, even if we all had to wake up early the next day for work.

They took me clubbing.

And tolerated my ala-concert-sa-Araneta singing inside their car.

They took me to the movies. With matching tumbler of my favorite buttered popcorn.

They bought me and a friend of my choice roundtrip tickets to Naga (I chose someone who I knew was also going through something tough). I am sooo excited for Caramoan!

They made sure I got home safe.

They gave me a 2012 planner, so I wouldn't keep my hopes up about still receiving the Paulo Coelho planner that I really wanted. Plus, I really needed one for work already.

They gave me a long, big and tight hug. And they let me cry. Even when I got their shirts wet from the tears.

They sat with me and listened to me while I sobbed, even if they couldn't make out what I was trying to say.

They sent me e-mails. Chatted with me online.

I would almost always wake up to a text message from one of them, wishing me happiness and more strength to face the day.

I would receive random calls from them throughout the day, asking me what I was doing or where I was going after work. Asking me how I am holding up, assuring me that I will be back to my fabulous self. Eventually.

And if they find out that I'm alone, they would come over, just to keep me company.

I am so overwhelmed by how much my friends love me. I FEEL REALLY LUCKY.

I'm not going to name who did what because that doesn't matter. What matters the most to me is how each one of them made it a point to be there for me, in one way or another, during this very trying time.

They didn't let me down, when I was down.

It still hurts, but not as much. I'm still a wreck, but just a little bit. I think I'm okay. Not bursting with fruit flavor here but at least I don't cry anymore.

I still love him. I know that I always will.

BUT

It was last night when I realized that maybe I was clinging on to the sentiment that I knew him for 7 years, that we had, what I believed in, was a deep friendship. And I couldn't accept the fact that in a matter of months, he just cast it all aside. I found it (and still find it) hard to digest that he didn't fight for us and that makes me feel like he didn't give enough value and importance to what I thought, was a strong foundation for a relationship. It was last night when it dawned on me that maybe his whole "I just need you to be my bestfriend" line was just something he said to soften the blow. Because really, this is not how you treat a friend, let alone a bestfriend.

I mean, honestly, does it really matter how long you've known a friend? Because I think that if they really matter to you, that should be enough to last your friendship.

And that's how I remembered all the things that my friends have been doing for me this past week, all their efforts just so I can get myself together again. Just so I can smile. And as I was driving home alone, I found myself saying this out loud:

Why are you pining over one person who's weighing you down when you have several people who have done nothing but try to pull you back up?

And that's when I decided that it's time to get out of this freakin rabbit hole.

I'm soooo not letting my friends down.

:)

I will not write about this here, I've been telling myself for the past few days.

But I can't seem to write about anything else.  I can't seem to think about anything else.

It took us 7 years to get to where we were and it only took him 4 months to give up.

I can't make sense of it. Most of my time is spent wondering why he decided to leave, why he couldn't find it in his heart to try and make it work, why he no longer needed and wanted me the way I did.  All day long I ask myself the same questions: How did I fail him?  What did I do wrong?  Is it really over?

It doesn't help that I've been dreaming about him too often.  Dreams of him with his arms around me or receiving a text from him that reads I miss you.  Dreams that remind me of how much I love him.  Dreams that used to have a possibility of being real but now they are just that and they are all I have left--Dreams. Waking up is a reminder of what I lost and what I miss.

I still carry around the poem he wrote for me on my notebook.  It's the nicest thing he's ever given me and sometimes I still read it so I can manage to smile a little.  I would have torn the pages apart by now but I can't muster enough strength to do so.  Like the rest of our memories together, it's just way too precious to destroy.

I watched him change into a person I wasn't familiar with. He grew distant.  But I can't bring myself to be angry because it's not like he cheated on me or lied to me.  If anything, he was honest to a fault.  Why would I accuse him of being true to his feelings?

If there's anyone to blame, it is me. Like an unspecified sixth sense, I heard it in the guarded tone of his voice whenever we would talk and I saw it in the lifeless eyes that would look back at me. I want to be the person to make him happy but that would only be like trying to revive someone after they flatline.  I blame myself for not acknowledging that he had already checked out on me way before he ended things. I want to bop myself in the head for making myself believe that things would go back to the way they were, for telling myself that I was just being paranoid by thinking that he was probably no longer inlove with me.

It was sometime last month when I realized that I didn't have much time left with him.  Like a prisoner on death row, I knew my time was coming but I was still hoping for pardon.  But pardon never came, and maybe if I was strong enough to admit that, I wouldn't feel like such a wreck.

People keep asking me why I put up with it, why I played along for over 2 months,  why I allowed myself to be treated in such an unloving way.  The truth is,  I never had to put up with him.  I accepted him.  And if there's anything I've learned, it's that love is acceptance.  And just as he accepted me for everything that I am, I accepted him for everything that he is, even if he changed.  I wasn't ready to throw in the towel but I guess he was.  It takes two to tango, they say.  As much as I wanted for the relationship to survive, there was no way it could if I was dancing alone.

"I was happier when we were just friends", that line plays in my head like a broken record and each time, it kills me...little by little, bit by bit.  I've been trying to hold it together, really, even if I want to rip my heart out of my chest every fucking minute.

And I wish I could lick my wounds as easily as rubbing pencil marks on paper.  But I'm just not built that way.

For now, I just want to be okay.  I'm not even aiming for happiness, that's like reaching for the moon.

I just want to be okay.