TRUE THAT.

“I've been making a list of the things they don't teach you at school. They don't teach you how to love somebody. They don't teach you how to be famous. They don't teach you how to be rich or how to be poor. They don't teach you how to walk away from someone you don't love any longer. They don't teach you how to know what's going on in someone else's mind. They don't teach you what to say to someone who's dying. They don't teach you anything worth knowing.”- Neil Gaiman

HITHIT, BUGA.

Coz I've been smoking a lot more than normal lately. I know, I know. :(

Sumindi sa aking isipan
ang akala ko'y limot ko na
ang tamis ng paalam mo
na kasing pait ng hawak kong sigarilyo

Humihithit, bumubuga
pinipilit matanggal ka
Sana'y sa bawat usok na lumalabas
Unti-unti ka rin nawawala sa aking diwa

Hihithit, bubuga
Maari bang sabayan ito ng ala-ala.
Ang bawat hithit, ang bawat buga
Simbolo ng kawalan ng pag-asa

Hithit, sabay buga.
Hithit, sabay buga.

LULU'S (and LILA's) NINANG

I'm one of those people who take being a godmother seriously. As much as I can, I take an active role in my godchildren's life and try to spend as much time with them.  

This is also why I chose Joaquin's godparents carefully.  I chose people whose values and character I admire and people who I would like my son to look up to.

One of my childhood friends (and very good friend), Mia, recently gave birth to her second daughter.  I stopped by their place Saturday morning to get something from her twin sister, Lia.  As soon as I entered their home, I looked for Lulu (the new baby) and I found Mia carrying her.

Mia: Bunny, will you be Lulu's Ninang?

Me: *squealing* Of coursseeee! I think I'm going to cry.

Lia: You think you're going to cry? Wait till you hear why she wants to make you Ninang.

Mia: Because I think you're a good mom and I know that if anything happens to my daughters, you will love them as your own.  And don't worry, I'm insured! Hahaha!

I was seriously close to tears.  It was the nicest way anyone has ever asked me to be their child's godmother.

Mia's eldest, 3-year-old Lila, heard our conversation and dramatically ran out of the room.  Mia followed her and after a few minutes, she came back to me and explained that Lila asked why I get to be Lulu's Ninang. Apparently, Lila wants me as a ninang too.

I saw Lila peeking by the bedroom door so I called her and said "Come here na, I'm also your ninang!"

Love love love that I gained 2 goddaughters! (1 unofficial, haha!)

Lovely Lulu 

This is Lila with Lulu, when she was only a few days old

Being a single mom is hard enough, but being a single mom to a child with special needs is something else.

Don't even get me started on how many times I have received judgmental looks from people when my son starts to scream.  Or how many times I've seen people turn their heads from side to side when my son throws a fit.  And on all these occasions, I have to stop myself from yelling "My son is battling autism! Don't look at me like I'm the worst parent in the world!"


Most days, I would find myself wishing (and sometimes, unwishing. hehehe!) that my mom was here to physically help me with Joaquin.  Oh well.

I've been a little depressed all week because I may have to enroll Joaquin to 2 schools this year.  3 days a week in a special school so he can work on his behavior and 2 days a week in his pre-school.  It's a very crucial year because he is graduating and he will be in first grade next year.  Tuition at his pre-school is already expensive so you can just imagine how much more pricey the special school is going to cost.  And this is on top of his twice-a-week occupational therapy sessions!

Like any parent, I only want the best for my child and I am feeling really down because I don't think I can afford it anymore.  To not be able to give my son what he needs is making me feel like an utter failure. I am considering looking for a higher paying job in a bigger call center but I am dreading the work hours.  I have a flexible schedule and work normal hours now and it gives me more time with my son.

I am also thinking of "sidelines".  I am so close to finally accepting my friend's invitation to try and sell life insurance.

Or I can just buy cheap and skanky outfits, and wait along Quezon Avenue at night.

THURSDAY NIGHT

"I've liked you since college."
And he said that hasn't changed.  He also said that he's a little disappointed that I was married.
"I understand why that's an issue for some.", I replied.
"Bunny, ok lang saakin.  Question is, are you willing?"
"To be in a relationship? I told you that I was in one last year, right? So if it's just a question of whether or not I can be in a relationship, of course I can."
"So.."
"BUT I don't want to be in relationship right now. I don't think I can commit."
"I was thinking about that, too. In between work, law school this month and helping my brother with his partylist--if I want to be in a relationship, the girl I'm with has to be really understanding."
"So I guess we're on the same page, then. No time to commit?" 
"Uhmmm..."
"I really can't commit, CC. I can date but hanggang dun lang siguro."
"Okay. If that's what you want, that's what we'll do. We'll just date."

I just finished work and I should be going home but I felt compelled to write about this conversation because:

1. Who am I kidding?
2. Who am I fucking kidding?

Of course I want to be in a relationship.  No ifs, no buts. No time? Bullcrap.

Truth be told, no matter how busy or hard life gets, if there is one person willing to embrace me for everything that I am and accept me for everything I'm not, I would sooo take that chance. Of course, I have to be willing to do the same for that person.

I just don't like CC (Yeah, CC. Let's call him that for now). I know I don't like him because I almost never have the urge to get in touch with him or open up to him. I don't want to tell him about my work or about what's going on with my life. And if a day or two or more goes by without hearing from him, it doesn't bother me.

Ayayay.  What did I get myself into?