7 years ago, I blogged this quote from Maria Rainer Rilke's "Letters to a Young Poet":

"...have patience with everything unresolved in your heart and to try to love the questions themselves as if they were locked rooms or books written in a very foreign language. Don't search for the answers, which could not be given to you now, because you would not be able to live them. And the point is, to live everything.Live the questions now. Perhaps then, someday far in the future, you will gradually, without even noticing it, live your way into the answer."


Living the answer now :)

TODAY

It's not even noon.

But a big realization hit me today.

It's like that quote I read somewhere about not being able to lose something that really belongs to you.

Today, the universe has shown me that it can happen. Apparently, the rumors are true.

Even if it took the world 7 years.

Did the universe just pull an Alchemist on me? I don't know for sure. But I'm definitely thanking my lucky stars.

I came thisclose to accepting that it would never happen to me again. Not anymore. I'm tired.

And while the past months have kept me smiling, it has also left me unassuming and admittedly, a little pessimistic. Nothing true can ever be this good. And even if it was real, the risk was just too much to take.

Today, I was proven wrong.

And for someone who hates being wrong, today, I am nothing but grateful.

Thank you for an incredible friendship that has blossomed into something more beautiful.

Thank you for taking a leap of faith.

Thank you for taking it with me.

Today, I discovered that the cliche is true-- if it's meant to happen, it will happen.

Stay hopeful, kiddos.

It could happen to you too.

And it's not even noon.

THANKS FOR THE SPERM!

I am hurt for my son.

I am hurt that he has a father who claims that because he is so mad at me, he would rather NOT have a relationship with him.

I mean, really, if you're mad at me, take it out on me. Why take it out on your son?

How mature.

I don't need you, V. For 2 years now, God has shown me that I can do this on my own. But I'd like to think that a son will always need his father and vice versa. I thought your measly brain would at the very least know that.

I was expecting too much, wasn't I? Haha.

Thank you for saying that you regret marrying me. I'm so glad that we've finally agreed on something!

I hope you get what you deserve, whatever that is.

If there is one thing I am sure of, it is this-- You will live your whole life regretting that you did not get to know Joaquin. He is a happy, smart and amazing child who has done nothing but bring me love, love, love and oodles of joy.

While you are nothing but a sperm donor.

*happy thoughts happy thoughts happy thoughts*

Day 05: A song that reminds you of someone

While Papa's death will always be my biggest heartache, Jason's passing has always been my biggest heartbreak.

I just felt and still feel that it wasn't fair that it happened hours before he was going to see me.    Finally going to see me.

I have moved on but I still haven't been able to make sense of it.




"So I wait and I wait
And I run myself in the same old circles
And I sit and I stare
And I run old scenes through my tired head
Of the days that we laid on our backs and said forever
Was that the best I'll ever be"

Day 04: A song that makes you sad

If you guys know me or have been following my blog since Spunky Daisy, then you guys know how much I love my Papa.

If you really know me, you would know that I have never really gotten over his demise. To this day, I often find myself wishing he was still here. There are questions, situations and problems that I know only Papa can help me with. And I always always wish he was alive to see his grandsons.  He would have been awesome with them.  He would spoil them rotten. He would take them on roadtrips. Gabe and Joaquin would make him so so happy.

Sigh.

I miss my dad. Way too much.

I miss exchanging stories and chismis with him.

I miss our midnight dates at hole-in-the-wall places in Malate or China Town.

Savory chicken isn't the same without him.

I miss the way we fight over my "The Best of The Doors" CD. He claims it's his. It's really not.

I miss hearing him laugh. I even miss hearing him curse.

His hugs--I miss how they've always made me feel like no one could ever harm me. I could really use one right now.

I don't know what I would give to just see him one more time. To just hear him call me "Anak".

And yes, I miss dancing with him. He was quite a dancer.  One of these days, I will scan and post the picture of me and Papa dancing around the house.

For now, this song will do. (Grabe, super naiyak naman ako while writing this entry)

"Every night I fall asleep
And this is all I ever dream"

Day 03: A song that makes you happy

"For Now" from the musical (possibly my favorite) Avenue Q is a song that never fails to lift me up.

It's a reminder that nothing is constant in this world aside from death and taxes. The lyrics are hilarious and very, very true!

Day 2: Your least favorite song

I do not like Mariah's "One Sweet Day", I do not like it whatever you say.

I would not listen to it in a car, I could not sing it in a karaoke bar.

I did not even play the youtube video and I change the station if I hear it on the radio.

I wouldn't even hum the tune, but if you like it, I wouldn't think you're a loon.

I do not like Mariah's "One Sweet Day".

I do not like it and I don't care what you say.


P.S.
Seriously though, my childhood friends and I consider this song bad luck. For some strange reason, whenever we would hear this song, something bad would happen to one of us (i.e. car would break down, our parents would ground us, we would fight, etc.). I know it's weird and you guys would probably say it's just coincidence but since then, we avoided this song like the plague.

DAY 1: Your Favorite Song

First off, U2 is an awesome awesome band! I have nothing but huge love and respect for them.

"Sometimes You Can't Make It On Your Own" is my ultimate favorite song because it hits very close to home.

Being the eldest in the family, I was taught at an early age to be responsible for my sisters. This meant that I also had to teach myself to be independent and to rely on no one else but myself. I have put up a front so strong that I find it very difficult to cry in front of other people because I am terrified that it will show weakness.

Don't get me wrong, I feel that this did me more good than bad as I grew older. However, there have been a gazillion moments in my life when I wish someone would take time out to ask me if I was okay. I love how people in my life would always say "Youre a strong girl, you'll cope." whenever I'm faced with conundrums. I love that they have so much faith in me and that alone is already enough motivation for me to make actually make it through whatever crap it is I'm dealing with.

Encouragement never hurt anyone but REALLY, honestly-- sometimes, all I need is someone to give me a hard whack on the head and tell me that there's no way they're allowing me to go at it alone.

And that is why I am so inlove with this song. Because in some parallel universe, someone is singing this song for me.

It's all wishful thinking, it really is.

"Sometimes you can't make it
The best you can do is to fake it
Sometimes you can't make it on your own"

CHALLENGE, ACCEPTED!

I really need to get my blogging groove back. And since listening to music has always been my easiest form of release, I've decided to take on this 30-day music challenge which I found on tumblr.

Day 01 – Your favorite song
Day 02 – Your least favorite song
Day 03 – A song that makes you happy
Day 04 – A song that makes you sad
Day 05 – A song that reminds you of someone
Day 06 – A song that reminds of you of somewhere
Day 07 – A song that reminds you of a certain event
Day 08 – A song that you know all the words to
Day 09 – A song that you can dance to
Day 10 – A song that makes you fall asleep
Day 11 – A song from your favorite band
Day 12 – A song from a band you hate
Day 13 – A song that is a guilty pleasure
Day 14 – A song that no one would expect you to love
Day 15 – A song that describes you
Day 16 – A song that you used to love but now hate
Day 17 – A song that you hear often on the radio
Day 18 – A song that you wish you heard on the radio
Day 19 – A song from your favorite album
Day 20 – A song that you listen to when you’re angry
Day 21 – A song that you listen to when you’re happy
Day 22 – A song that you listen to when you’re sad
Day 23 – A song that you want to play at your wedding
Day 24 – A song that you want to play at your funeral
Day 25 – A song that makes you laugh
Day 26 – A song that you can play on an instrument
Day 27 – A song that you wish you could play
Day 28 – A song that makes you feel guilty
Day 29 – A song from your childhood
Day 30 – Your favorite song at this time last year

LEZ DO IT!!!

I MAY BE IN DEEP SHIT.

:)

There's a spring in my step.

It has been awhile.

Thank you.