I SING

As a child, my mom encouraged me to sing along to songs during mass.  If she caught me not singing, she would nudge me and remind me that singing is like praying twice--it's stronger.  So I sang.

So it shouldn't be a surprise when I tell you that I was a member of the children's choir from age 6-13.  I sang every Sunday at 10am.

During my teenage years, I was still pretty active in Church. I was a member of the praise ministry and head of the dance ministry.

I don't think I have a beautiful voice but I've always kept to heart what Mama said about singing to God.


Going to the point of this entry--I usually start my Mondays with loud music to get me psyched for work.  But not today.

As soon as Joaquin left for school, I locked the door to my room, sat on my bed and sang this song.

They used to make me do a solo of this song during prayer meetings. There was one prayer meeting where I played this on the piano while I sang. This has always been my love song for Him. And it's a song that everyone will be able to relate to.

Because no one is perfect.

Last week was tough. My faith was tried.

But like the casino, you can gamble all you want, test it with all your might--But at the end of the day, the house always wins. He always wins.

And so I sing.

"Storms will come and storms will go.
Wonder just how many storms it takes until
I finally know, You're here always.
Even when my skies are far from gray,
I can stay,Teach me to stay there"

I see red, blue, green and purple
in my new favorite happy dress
But whatever this outfit is supposed to make me feel
Ah, I digress!

The sun is shining,
and so are my lips
But the smile they used to come with
Today, is remiss

I don't know what to write next
Tired of these sad, sad lines
Hopefully things change for the better
But whether or not they do
I have to convince myself I'll be fine

WHY I SPENT THE MORNING SOBBING

A few minutes after publishing my blog entry this morning, someone very dear to me messaged me online.  We've been leaving each other messages all week coz we never seem to catch each other online. We don't see each other or talk to each other often but when we talk, we really talk.

My cousin, A.

She's one of the strongest women I know.  She's a good person and has done more than enough for her family.  A few months ago, at only 2 months old, she and her husband lost their only son.  I remember crying with her over the phone because she was in so much pain and I knew that there was absolutely nothing I could say to help her feel better. I remember how in between choking on tears, she still managed to say "My son fought a good fight. He's tired and he needs to rest".

And don't even get me started on the fact that this happened a day before her birthday.

We talked about our struggles (I seem to be using this word a lot lately) and our battles.

We talked about how we are starting to doubt if the karmic law of the universe really works.

Why do bad things happen to good people?  Anong klaseng karma yun?

She told me about her friend--such a good person, served the church all her life.  She now has a daughter who was diagnosed with some disease and the doctors say she will only live till she's 5.

She told me about a highschool classmate who smuggles cars and drugs for a living.  He lives in Forbes, his kids go to IS, he is living the life!

Yoohoo, karma, where the hell are you? And why aren't you doing what you're supposed to do?

So I told her about my prayers.  I told her how I don't want to question God but how my prayers sometimes go, "Wala naman akong ginagawang masama. Mabait naman ako. So, bakit ganito?  My ex-husband, who won't provide a single cent for support is able to buy really expensive gadgets while I have to do accounting before even deciding to buy a cheap pair of shoes. Lord, how is that in any way-- fair?"


A said she is very familiar to that kind of prayer. She hasn't prayed since her son passed away, but she knows that in time, she will make peace with Him.

I told her that He will understand.

"He better understand! Wala siyang choice no!  I tell Him all the time that He owes me big time. And He better make it right!"-- A


Don't get me wrong-- I'M GRATEFUL. VERY GRATEFUL. The Lord has saved me many many times but while I was having this conversation with my cousin, I suddenly felt that I have reached the point where it's just not fair anymore.  What has the world come to?  It has gotten to the point where I am starting to question WHY and WHAT WE HAVE DONE to deserve to be in this kind of situation.

I know some of you will say, 'test lang yan'.  But have you guys ever felt na parang minsan, exag na?  Have you ever talked to God and said "Lord, hindi pa nga ako tapos sa isa, meron ulit?  Sa iba mo na lang ibigay. Masyado mo naman ako favorite!"


When I told my cousin that our chat conversation has left me crying, she told me that that really is all we can do: cry, wipe our tears and face the next minute.

I told her about my issue with crying: 1. It doesn't solve anything. 2. It's exhausting. 3. It only makes me feel weaker.

This was what she had to say:

"Basta if you need to cry, you cry. Don't hold it in because your pain will find another way to manifest.   I've learned that crying does not always mean weakness, its allowing yourself to feel what you need to feel so that it doesn't fester."

Buntong hininga.

I had a few other things to say but I think I'll stop here.  Coz I'm crying again.

And I need a drink.

CHEESY KUNG CHEESY

I woke up this morning feeling like this day is going to suck.

But while I was en route to work, this song played on my iPod and it somehow made me feel better.

And on cue, the BF called.

So call me cheesy, mushy or a cornball but this song has been on repeat on my iPod since I got to the office.

P.S.
Hun, thanks for taking me to see Stomp last night.
What a fun date! I love you!


Every time I close my eyes
I thank the lord that I've got you
And you've got me too
And every time I think of it
I pinch myself cuz I don't believe it's true
That someone like you loves me too 

ANGEL BRIGADE

At around 1pm last Sunday, I found myself at home with nothing to do. I was browsing through facebook when I came across my one of my pakners, Charo's status inviting volunteers to help pack relief goods for typhoon victims. I had absolutely nothing planned for the day so I thought I might as well be useful.

Dragged my buddy, JM to come with me and an hour later, we found ourselves at the Frank Provost building along Jupiter.

Charo was already there when we arrived.  There were probably 6 or 8 people working.  As soon as we got there, they taught us what to pack and how to pack it and  we were off to work. A few minutes later, 4 more people (including a pretty little girl) arrived. We were able to pack 700 bags in 3 hours! Aweesssoommee!

It was a rush! It was a different kind of high that I haven't felt in a looong time.  And I'm sooo doing it again.

And I hope you guys help out too. It will only take 3-4 hours of your time. And the euphoria you will feel after doing it is amazing.

It's a great workout as well.  You'll be lifting and doing cardio and helping at the same time. Now, isn't that just grand?

Here are our pictures with Angel Brigade's lucky bag! This bag was donated during Ondoy and eversince it arrived, donations just came pouring in.

Storage area

Production area

That's my friend, JM, pretending that he feels weird about holding a shiny shimmering handbag. Hahaha!

 
Join Angel Brigade! They really need more volunteers!

Angel Brigade
2/f Franck Provost Building
120 Jupiter Street
Makati

LAST NIGHT

After kissing me goodnight, Joaquin held my face with both hands and smiled.

"Is Mama beautiful?", I asked.

"No. Joaquin is beautiful.", was his reply.

"Whaaat? But how about Mama?", I answered with a pout.

"Mama is happy."

I hugged my son so tight and said "You're right, Babe. Mama is happy."

Hearing him say those 3 words made my day.


I may be struggling with a lot of things but at least I'm happy.  It makes me even happier that at 4, my son already seems to know that at the end of the day, that is all that matters.

Source: Picture Depot

Dear Papa,

I saw Real Steel last night and it made me think of you.  I somehow felt like the little boy in the film--his Dad went through hell and back and yet he was still proud of him.  I will always be proud of you.


I haven't dreamt about you in a loooooong time, Pa. The last time was a couple of weeks before my wedding.  That dream will always be my favorite.  Super gwapo ka dun eh!

I miss dreaming about you. I just kind of need you right now. I need you to tell me that I'm going to be fine and that everything will fall right into place.  I need your assurance that I will be okay. I sort of need to know that you're still there, watching over us. Please always always always help me to make the right decisions in life.

Can I please see you in my dreams soon? Pa! DREAMS lang ha. Wag mo ako dadalawin, hindi ko kakayanin--alam mo yan! (pareho tayong duwag, tiba? *apir*)  :D

Miss you na, SUPER.

Labyu,
Bunny

zZz...

I've been sleepy since Sunday. I don't think my body has recuperated from Friday.

I woke up at 5am last Friday and was in the office just before 7.  My car was coding so earlier that day, I had already decided to stay in the office till 7pm.  I had work to finish anyway. My original plan was to head home at 7pm, have dinner with Joaquin, rest, then go back to the office at midnight to get some of my co-workers before heading to Sucat to go to the wake of our co-worker's Mom.

But later that day, I got an invite from my boss to watch Lisa Macuja's farewell performance of Swan Lake with her college friends and I agreed to go.  Regret it, I did not! She was amazing!  I can't believe she's 47!  The ballet ended at 10:30 (by this time, super antok na talaga ako), then we had dinner at a Korean restaurant where my boss' friend made us try this:

Yook Hwe (Image Source: Winkypedia)

Yes, it's shredded raw beef.  Very much like Steak Tartare, Korean style.  The one we had was served exactly like this with a siding of sliced singkamas. I was super apprehensive about eating it. Hello, may blood pa! But I LOVED IT!!! Sarap sarap sarap saraaap! I wouldn't have it as a meal though. It's something I would share with friends.

After our late dinner, Boss and I headed back to the office to meet our co-workers. I was supposed to bring my car but my boss insisted we just take hers.  It was raining really hard. We stayed at the wake till 3am and got back to the office at 5am. Now you're probably wondering why it took us 2 hours from Sucat to Makati? We were stranded for over an hour at our co-worker's village gate because flood was waist-deep.  We finally had the guts to brave the flood (we prayed and prayed and prayed!), but later on found ourselves caught in a standstill right after Manila Memorial.  Flood ulit?  Sugod ulit! Hehehe!

I was awake for 24 hours!!!  Went to bed at 5:30am and woke up before 9am so I can spend time with the little boy before getting ready for a gala I was attending with J.

Hindi naman obvious na wala akong tulog, tiba? :)

My entire Sunday was spent bonding with Joaquin.  We did his homework, watched TV, read a book, played with the iPad, slept (i slept, he played. haha!).  He also did this:

"Joaquin is strong, Mama!"

Those are real dumbbells, weighing 1.5kg each. Hahaha!  He got tired after lifting it twice.

I have a bit of news pala--I am going to be interviewed for a magazine article.  It's not going to be just me, there will be a few other people as well.  Details soon! :)

Have a good week, you guys!  It's almost 2pm na pala and I still haven't had lunch.  I'm waiting for my boss to arrive with my quarter pounder meal (we made a bet last week and I won, mwahahaha!).


Now I'm hungry and sleepy. BAD.

Dear J,

I'm not the easiest person to be in a relationship with.  I'm a mess, really.

By now, you already know how stubborn I am.  And my moods will sometimes get the best of me.

Like last night.

I'M SORRY. 

Sorry for being a brat. I'm sorry for giving you crap and for being so darn unreasonable. (Can I make PMS an excuse?)

Thank you for not losing your cool. Thank you for putting up with my quirks.

I'd sing this song for you if I could (vocalize muna ako), because it's everything I really want to say.

I know you think I'm tough and independent and I know that I sometimes act like I don't need you (It's all a LIE! Hahaha!), but I'll let you in on a little secret-- it is when I am acting all macho that I am at my weakest.

So, I hope you stay strong for me. And I promise--I'll do everything to make it worth your time :)

I love you.

When I’ve shown you that I just don’t care
When I’m throwing punches in the air
When I’m broken down and I can’t stand
Will you be strong enough to be my man?

Lie to me
I promise I’ll believe
Lie to me
But please don’t leave 

BACK TO REGULAR PROGRAMMING

Last week was crazy.  I had no helpers and I had to bring Joaquin to work with me everyday (except Tuesday, because of typhoon Pedring).  

He water-colored our copier (at least colored na!) and it was a good thing my boss saw it right away so she cleaned it up (jaheeee!!!). I love love love my co-workers and my boss for helping me out last week. You guys helped keep me sane.

Carlan and Rose- Thank you for watching Joaquin.  Thanks for letting him stay in your office, Carlan! I know he turned the HR office upside down, hahaha! Salamat sobra!

Ms. Nins (my boss)- Thank you for all the toys you brought to keep him busy. Thank you for allowing him to crawl under your table. Hahaha! You're the coolest boss, pero takot pa rin ako sayo :)

Ms. Evs- Thank you for bringing your super cute shih-tzu, Girbaud!  Joaquin had so much fun running around with him.

My graphics team- i love you, boys! Thanks for teaching my son how to tinker with Photoshop. Thank you for the piggy-back rides you gave him.

Tita Vina and Tito Obet (Joaquin pronounces this oh-bet, hahaha!)- Salamat sa pizza, Vins!  Thanks Obet for carrying him around and running after him.

I'm blessed to be working with people who care so much about me and my son.  If this was a different company, they probably wouldn't allow me to bring my son to work.  I am absolutely grateful.


I don't know how I managed to do it, but I did. I brought him to school, to therapy, to work and we ate decent meals everyday.  I also cleaned the house (except the bathroom. Ang hirap nun noh!), did the dishes and fed the dogs.  Fine, I'll admit--there were moments were I just wanted to pull  my hair, sit in a corner and cry but I didn't!  To top it off, the BF was sick with the flu pretty much the whole week so while I was running around like a headless chicken, I was missing him as well. Boohoo!

Joaquin and I spent the weekend in Jardin De Dasmarinas for Xavi's birthday.  It's our 2nd time here and my friends love celebrating parties here because it really is a nice place.  Pools are very clean and rooms are comfy.  And the food! So good and cheap! The chicharon bulaklak is a MUST!

It rained Saturday afternoon but Sunday greeted us with a beautiful sun.  So, we soaked it all up!

Look at the camera, please!

I still can't get over the fact that he now loves to swim! (He got over his fear of the swimming pool during summer school)

And this was the scene when we got home yesterday afternoon..

Knocked out!

So there. My to-do list is crazy today and my Aussie client arrived last Saturday so he's going to be around for the whole week, I think.

But I'm back to regular programming.

Joaquin's Ate L is back.

The BF's fever is gone, sore throat na lang.

And I'm wearing make-up again. (Last week, kahit lip gloss, wala!)

Hahaha!

O sha, I shall get back to work.

Have a great week, guys! Mwaaaahh!!!