WHY I SPENT THE MORNING SOBBING

A few minutes after publishing my blog entry this morning, someone very dear to me messaged me online.  We've been leaving each other messages all week coz we never seem to catch each other online. We don't see each other or talk to each other often but when we talk, we really talk.

My cousin, A.

She's one of the strongest women I know.  She's a good person and has done more than enough for her family.  A few months ago, at only 2 months old, she and her husband lost their only son.  I remember crying with her over the phone because she was in so much pain and I knew that there was absolutely nothing I could say to help her feel better. I remember how in between choking on tears, she still managed to say "My son fought a good fight. He's tired and he needs to rest".

And don't even get me started on the fact that this happened a day before her birthday.

We talked about our struggles (I seem to be using this word a lot lately) and our battles.

We talked about how we are starting to doubt if the karmic law of the universe really works.

Why do bad things happen to good people?  Anong klaseng karma yun?

She told me about her friend--such a good person, served the church all her life.  She now has a daughter who was diagnosed with some disease and the doctors say she will only live till she's 5.

She told me about a highschool classmate who smuggles cars and drugs for a living.  He lives in Forbes, his kids go to IS, he is living the life!

Yoohoo, karma, where the hell are you? And why aren't you doing what you're supposed to do?

So I told her about my prayers.  I told her how I don't want to question God but how my prayers sometimes go, "Wala naman akong ginagawang masama. Mabait naman ako. So, bakit ganito?  My ex-husband, who won't provide a single cent for support is able to buy really expensive gadgets while I have to do accounting before even deciding to buy a cheap pair of shoes. Lord, how is that in any way-- fair?"


A said she is very familiar to that kind of prayer. She hasn't prayed since her son passed away, but she knows that in time, she will make peace with Him.

I told her that He will understand.

"He better understand! Wala siyang choice no!  I tell Him all the time that He owes me big time. And He better make it right!"-- A


Don't get me wrong-- I'M GRATEFUL. VERY GRATEFUL. The Lord has saved me many many times but while I was having this conversation with my cousin, I suddenly felt that I have reached the point where it's just not fair anymore.  What has the world come to?  It has gotten to the point where I am starting to question WHY and WHAT WE HAVE DONE to deserve to be in this kind of situation.

I know some of you will say, 'test lang yan'.  But have you guys ever felt na parang minsan, exag na?  Have you ever talked to God and said "Lord, hindi pa nga ako tapos sa isa, meron ulit?  Sa iba mo na lang ibigay. Masyado mo naman ako favorite!"


When I told my cousin that our chat conversation has left me crying, she told me that that really is all we can do: cry, wipe our tears and face the next minute.

I told her about my issue with crying: 1. It doesn't solve anything. 2. It's exhausting. 3. It only makes me feel weaker.

This was what she had to say:

"Basta if you need to cry, you cry. Don't hold it in because your pain will find another way to manifest.   I've learned that crying does not always mean weakness, its allowing yourself to feel what you need to feel so that it doesn't fester."

Buntong hininga.

I had a few other things to say but I think I'll stop here.  Coz I'm crying again.

And I need a drink.