MY SILVER LINING

I've been having bad dreams for the past couple of weeks.  The first week was fine because the dreams didn't come very often but the past week has been just dreadful. Everyday, I would dream about something so horrible, I would wake up either crying or clutching my chest.  It has now gotten to a point where I don't want to sleep anymore because I am petrified of my dreams.  Last night was the first dreamless sleep I have had in awhile and for that, I am thankful and relieved.

In a few days, it will be Christmas and I've been making an effort to feel the yuletide spirit.  Really, I have.  Amidst my troubles, I tried to make our home look more festive.   I'm also almost done with my Christmas shopping but I haven't wrapped a single gift yet (hoping to do that tonight).

Early this month, I (with the help of a few friends. thanks guys!) granted the wishes of a number of cancer warrior kids.  I remember bringing the gifts to the foundation a day before their Christmas party and I really wanted to go to the party the next day (Hi Cha!) but I didn't think my heart could take it.  I did not want to be known as the crazy woman who was crying while the kids who are in a more heartbreaking state than she was received their christmas wishes. Mababa luha ko sa ganun eh.

Lately, people on facebook have been posting photos of victims of Typhoon Sendong and while I know I will help in whatever way I can, I can't bear to look at a single photo.

If you ask me how I am, I would tell you that things are easier.  But if there's one thing I learned recently, it's that just because things are easier doesn't mean things are better.  There's a thin hairline between the two.

I don't know why and this is baffling but I usually find my personal life in turmoil at around this time of the year.  It's like I'm cursed or something. And while I find delight in making people, especially my son happy during Christmas, for the life of me, I can't remember the last time I felt ecstatic during the holidays.

A few months ago, I thought that this year was it.  I found myself looking forward to what people would consider the most wonderful time of the year.  But here I am again. It's that time of the year. Again.

If you know me well, you know that I am an optimist by heart.  I'm a happy camper.  I've always embraced my inner Pollyanna.  I'm Ms. Brightside.

Albeit not evident in my recent entries, I can still see a silver lining amidst all this.

The silver lining are the people I have in my life.  At the end of the day, the people that really matter are the ones who are there when you are at your worst.  These people have never left me and I consider them to be my greatest blessings.


There's my son who shows and tells me everyday that he loves me.  He has always been my source of strength.

And then there's my friends.  I can't even begin to tell you how awesome my friends have been throughout this whole ordeal.  These are the people I call in the middle of the night or in the middle of the day to just talk to about the most mundane or profound things in life.

April, oh maaah gaaah!  Thank you for noticing my big ass 17 (?) years ago because look at the friendship it has brought us.  You were first person I ran to when all this started and you have constantly been there.  Nakakatawa ka whenever I call because the first thing you would say would be, "Okay, what happened? Are you okay?".  Thank you for going to my house armed with wine or beer.  Thank you for making me laugh. Thank you for always playing devil's advocate. I swear, you have the brain of a man trapped in a woman's gorgeous body! I love you so much and I hope we spend our whole lives shakin' our groove thang and whipping our hair back and forth. Hahaha!

To my dear Carla, we've known each other since I was in 2nd grade and we have a friendship that shows no signs of ever withering. Joaquin loves you and your kids so much because of the outburst of love that you show us.  You've been through tougher times and look at where you are now.  You always say I'm strong but trust me, you're a lot stronger than what you give yourself credit for. Thank you for having me over a little too much. Hahaha! That afternoon we spent in your bed, eating hot ensaymada while watching new episodes of our favorite shows was comforting.  Thank you for allowing me to find solace (and FUN!) in your company.

TJ, Carlan and Rose-- you're more than lunch buddies to me, you should know that.  I know that the past months have been difficult (and quite ugly) to look at.  I will never forget how you guys just sat with me at the yosi area while I cried.  I know I haven't been saying much lately. It doesn't mean that I don't want to share anything with you guys anymore.  I just don't want to talk about my sadness because I know it hurts you girls to see me this way.  I'm slowly getting the cheerful and perky Bunny back.  Steady lang kayo :)  Thank you for your friendship and love.  Super duper love ko kayo.

JM and Ains, what would I ever do without the two of you?  You guys are both very busy with work and we all live in different cities and yet you guys find time for me.  JM, thank you for picking me up at work whenever my car's coding.  You have no idea how much I appreciate that.  I know that we don't always see eye to eye but thank you for listening to me.  I still laugh whenever I remember the conversation we had the other day.  Thank you for saying that I'm phat, not fat. LOL.  Ains, soul sisters tayo forever :)

                                         

My pakners.  We've all been so busy lately. One is getting married very soon (Woohoooo!!!), one is busy helping the world become a better place (I'm seriously so proud of you.  We have to catch up soon.)  while the other is like me, busy being a single working mother.  We don't see each other often but we spend lots of time online catching up.  How long have we been friends? Gawd, 14 years na! Awesome, isn't it?  I'm lucky to have girls like you to lean on. Thank you for all your sensible advice and for watching out for me and Joaquin all the time  Lab yu!

Bea (I don't have a photo of you. Why is that? Haha! We're having our photo taken at the post-christmas get together okay?),  I had fun during our date.  I don't know if I've ever told you but I've been asked a few times by our Merville friends how we became so close.  On the outside, people think we're so different but little do they know that we also have a lot of things in common.  Thank you for always giving me a different perspective on things.  You were the only friend of mine who talked to me about timelines and I really agree with you on that.  I will always be here for you and you know you can always call me, right? *wink*

So there.  Even when I feel like I'm falling in this very deep rabbit hole, I have the sense to look up and see several people who are ready to throw the rope at me when I'm ready to climb back up again.

:)