LIMBO

7 years ago, I wrote of him. I wrote stories about him.

I wrote about how we met, our first date, our succeeding dates and our conversations, whether it was over sms or in person.

I wrote about how he made me feel and how I felt about him. And without even realizing it, I had documented every facet and every minute detail of the time we spent together.

Although things didn't end the way I had hoped it would back then, I charged everything to experience. And over the years, I guess those couple of months of sleepless nights and endless conversations over coffee and cigarettes paid off because we would eventually become the best of friends.

This year, we both took a leap of faith.  It was not something we had planned on doing nor was it something that we ever saw looming in the horizon.  It was not a bridge we thought we would ever cross but there it was, unavoidable, unpreventable and inescapable.  And like two friends daring each other to jump off a cliff and dive into unknown waters, we looked into each other's eyes, held each other's hands, hoped for the best and took a plunge.  The plunge.

I can't even begin to tell you how beautiful it was, diving and exploring the great deep together. How do I explain the euphoria of being inlove with your own bestfriend?  I am not even going to try.  But let's just say that for the first time in a very, very, very, very, very long time, I was simply happy.  So this is how it felt like to be loved for everything you are. I loved the person I became with him. I'm not certain if he feels the same but I can confidently say that I was with someone who would love me at my best and be there for me at my worst.  Suddenly, all the relationships I had before were a far cry from this one. Sure, I still had my fair share of personal problems but knowing that someone will be there for me at the end of the day trumped them all.

And my fervent prayer was that when we couldn't hold our breath any longer and had to emerge from the water to inhale, that we would still be the same people looking into each other's eyes, holding each other's hands, hoping for the best. I believed that we would still have each other even if a huge wave should come and sweep us away to a rocky shore.

I knew I would write about him again.  There has always been something about him that just inspired me.  I knew I would always write our story.    But this time with a different ending, a happier one.  Quite the opposite of 7 years ago, I hoped and prayed.

Getting into this, I knew it was going to be a double-edged sword.  And here is the sword now, twisting my insides.  I was never one to believe in "time outs", "cool-offs" or the proverbial "giving each other space", because my life and my emotions do not have a pause button.  Neither do I have the power to skip from one scene to the next.  My life is not a movie on Blu-ray.  My life is real.

But here I am now, here we are now.  In a relationship that is in limbo.  He's still my bestfriend and I still want to be more. But I don't know what to do.  And if you know me well, you know how I hate feeling helpless.

"Win him back, sounds like he lost you.", a very good friend told me earlier.

Like he was ever mine to win.

And while I've always deemed myself as quite competitive, when did love ever become a contest?  Why would something so wonderful that used to be so effortless now require me to prove my worth?

So here I am., writing what I hope is not the end of his our story. Here I am, still wishing for a happier ending.