ADIEU, 2011!

If someone were to ask me to describe my 2011 in one word, I would have to say that it has been a year of breakthroughs.

I was very intimated by 2011.  Going into this year, my greatest fear was not being able to provide my son's needs.  But despite my fright,  I welcomed it with my game face on.  I worked harder and I accepted more tasks and responsibilities at work.

And you know what, at first I thought I wouldn't make it.  But I DID IT. I effin did it.

(to the irresponsible bozo who thought I wouldn't make it, so sorry to disappoint you. BELAT!)


I managed to send Joaquin to a great school and he still goes to therapy twice a week.  He's healthy and happy, which is really all I want him to be.

It wasn't easy and there were a lot of moments this year when I just wanted to break down, cry and disappear into oblivion, but God has never failed me.  He always finds a way to save me.  I can't count how many times I've been on the brink of giving up but indeed, God works in beautiful and mysterious ways.

So while I will always be proud of my son-- this year, I couldn't be more prouder of myself. *pats myself on the back*


That my friends, is my biggest breakthrough this year: discovering that I can do this on my own (with the love, support and help of family and friends).


And just when I thought that God couldn't love me more, he made me fall inlove pa! (parang BONUS, haha!)  And not just with anyone, but with my own bestfriend.  I had already convinced myself that it would never happen to me again, that these things don't happen to complicated women like me, but it did.  I didn't think that anyone would ever accept me--baggage, flaws and all, but J did.  It has been amazing.

As of this writing, we are still in limbo and though I'm still sad about our relationship's current condition, I will always be grateful to J for a lot of things: his friendship, love and acceptance.

J, if you're reading this, I know that the past couple of months have been confusing for the both of us.  Nevertheless, thank you for making me smile and laugh, for being responsible for this glow. I can't remember the last time I was with someone who I could completely trust.  I don't think I have ever been with anyone who I could just sit down and be quiet with and not feel uncomfortable. I think that's one of my best memories of us, sitting by the porch with my head on your shoulder, doing nothing. Whether or not we make it, please know that I am forever changed because of you and what you have shown me. I will always be by your side, for as long as you want me to. I love you so much.

This year, I believed in love again. (another breakthrough)


2011 taught me one important lesson: DON'T GIVE UP ON PEOPLE YOU LOVE.

The love I have for Joaquin and the love he showers me with was my only armor when I was was having financial difficulty this year.  When you love someone, you would do anything in your power to make sure they have everything they need.  You would do anything to make sure they are happy.

And as 2011 comes to a close, I am still afraid, but this time I'm more enthusiastic of the year that awaits.

Happy New Year to all of you :)

MY SILVER LINING

I've been having bad dreams for the past couple of weeks.  The first week was fine because the dreams didn't come very often but the past week has been just dreadful. Everyday, I would dream about something so horrible, I would wake up either crying or clutching my chest.  It has now gotten to a point where I don't want to sleep anymore because I am petrified of my dreams.  Last night was the first dreamless sleep I have had in awhile and for that, I am thankful and relieved.

In a few days, it will be Christmas and I've been making an effort to feel the yuletide spirit.  Really, I have.  Amidst my troubles, I tried to make our home look more festive.   I'm also almost done with my Christmas shopping but I haven't wrapped a single gift yet (hoping to do that tonight).

Early this month, I (with the help of a few friends. thanks guys!) granted the wishes of a number of cancer warrior kids.  I remember bringing the gifts to the foundation a day before their Christmas party and I really wanted to go to the party the next day (Hi Cha!) but I didn't think my heart could take it.  I did not want to be known as the crazy woman who was crying while the kids who are in a more heartbreaking state than she was received their christmas wishes. Mababa luha ko sa ganun eh.

Lately, people on facebook have been posting photos of victims of Typhoon Sendong and while I know I will help in whatever way I can, I can't bear to look at a single photo.

If you ask me how I am, I would tell you that things are easier.  But if there's one thing I learned recently, it's that just because things are easier doesn't mean things are better.  There's a thin hairline between the two.

I don't know why and this is baffling but I usually find my personal life in turmoil at around this time of the year.  It's like I'm cursed or something. And while I find delight in making people, especially my son happy during Christmas, for the life of me, I can't remember the last time I felt ecstatic during the holidays.

A few months ago, I thought that this year was it.  I found myself looking forward to what people would consider the most wonderful time of the year.  But here I am again. It's that time of the year. Again.

If you know me well, you know that I am an optimist by heart.  I'm a happy camper.  I've always embraced my inner Pollyanna.  I'm Ms. Brightside.

Albeit not evident in my recent entries, I can still see a silver lining amidst all this.

The silver lining are the people I have in my life.  At the end of the day, the people that really matter are the ones who are there when you are at your worst.  These people have never left me and I consider them to be my greatest blessings.


There's my son who shows and tells me everyday that he loves me.  He has always been my source of strength.

And then there's my friends.  I can't even begin to tell you how awesome my friends have been throughout this whole ordeal.  These are the people I call in the middle of the night or in the middle of the day to just talk to about the most mundane or profound things in life.

April, oh maaah gaaah!  Thank you for noticing my big ass 17 (?) years ago because look at the friendship it has brought us.  You were first person I ran to when all this started and you have constantly been there.  Nakakatawa ka whenever I call because the first thing you would say would be, "Okay, what happened? Are you okay?".  Thank you for going to my house armed with wine or beer.  Thank you for making me laugh. Thank you for always playing devil's advocate. I swear, you have the brain of a man trapped in a woman's gorgeous body! I love you so much and I hope we spend our whole lives shakin' our groove thang and whipping our hair back and forth. Hahaha!

To my dear Carla, we've known each other since I was in 2nd grade and we have a friendship that shows no signs of ever withering. Joaquin loves you and your kids so much because of the outburst of love that you show us.  You've been through tougher times and look at where you are now.  You always say I'm strong but trust me, you're a lot stronger than what you give yourself credit for. Thank you for having me over a little too much. Hahaha! That afternoon we spent in your bed, eating hot ensaymada while watching new episodes of our favorite shows was comforting.  Thank you for allowing me to find solace (and FUN!) in your company.

TJ, Carlan and Rose-- you're more than lunch buddies to me, you should know that.  I know that the past months have been difficult (and quite ugly) to look at.  I will never forget how you guys just sat with me at the yosi area while I cried.  I know I haven't been saying much lately. It doesn't mean that I don't want to share anything with you guys anymore.  I just don't want to talk about my sadness because I know it hurts you girls to see me this way.  I'm slowly getting the cheerful and perky Bunny back.  Steady lang kayo :)  Thank you for your friendship and love.  Super duper love ko kayo.

JM and Ains, what would I ever do without the two of you?  You guys are both very busy with work and we all live in different cities and yet you guys find time for me.  JM, thank you for picking me up at work whenever my car's coding.  You have no idea how much I appreciate that.  I know that we don't always see eye to eye but thank you for listening to me.  I still laugh whenever I remember the conversation we had the other day.  Thank you for saying that I'm phat, not fat. LOL.  Ains, soul sisters tayo forever :)

                                         

My pakners.  We've all been so busy lately. One is getting married very soon (Woohoooo!!!), one is busy helping the world become a better place (I'm seriously so proud of you.  We have to catch up soon.)  while the other is like me, busy being a single working mother.  We don't see each other often but we spend lots of time online catching up.  How long have we been friends? Gawd, 14 years na! Awesome, isn't it?  I'm lucky to have girls like you to lean on. Thank you for all your sensible advice and for watching out for me and Joaquin all the time  Lab yu!

Bea (I don't have a photo of you. Why is that? Haha! We're having our photo taken at the post-christmas get together okay?),  I had fun during our date.  I don't know if I've ever told you but I've been asked a few times by our Merville friends how we became so close.  On the outside, people think we're so different but little do they know that we also have a lot of things in common.  Thank you for always giving me a different perspective on things.  You were the only friend of mine who talked to me about timelines and I really agree with you on that.  I will always be here for you and you know you can always call me, right? *wink*

So there.  Even when I feel like I'm falling in this very deep rabbit hole, I have the sense to look up and see several people who are ready to throw the rope at me when I'm ready to climb back up again.

:)

MY CURRENT PLAYLIST

Just some of the songs that have been keeping me company.  Sigh.

All We Are by One Republic

"Every single day that I can breathe, you change my philosophy"

Goodbye Apathy by One Republic

"I'll be what you need, I'll do anything"

Sleeps with Butterflies by Tori Amos

"I'm not like the girls that you've known but I believe I'm worth coming home to"

Misery by Maroon 5

"It's not what I didn't feel, it's what I didn't show"

Send me the Moon by Sara Bareilles

"I can live with your ghost if you say that's the most I'll get"

Syndicate by The Fray

"Don't ever forget, we haven't lost it all yet"

Ever the same by Rob Thomas

"You're no burden I assure. You tide me over with a warmth I'll not forget. 

But I can only give you love"

Perfect Girl by Sarah McLachlan

"All your expectations bury me"

By Your Side by Sade

"You think I'd leave your side baby? You know me better than that."

Hold My Heart by Sara Bareilles

"I see the end sneaking in behind your eyes, saying everything no words could ever do"

Back to You by John Mayer
"But forgive me love, I can't turn and walk away, this way"

When I got to work this morning, I found this e-mail from my co-worker/very good friend in my inbox.  And it just tore me apart.


Every time I see you crying or sad, parang ayaw na kita lapitan, kasi as much as we want to help you, alam natin na ikaw lang ang makakatulong sa sarili mo.  Iyong Bunny na nakikita namin ngayon is really really far from the Bunny that we know.  Sana with God's help biglang magising ka na lang, bumalik yun dating Bunny.  We super miss your smile, yung tawa mo na malakas...we're always here for you. Ngayon di na kami nagtatanong, kasi alam namin when you're ready, ikaw ang kusa magkwekwento.  Buns, balik ka na sa dati, we miss that...we miss you.


As soon as I read it, I wanted to run to her with tears streaming down my face, collapse in her arms and tell her how painful it has been.  But instead, I wiped my tears, got myself together, walked to her office and casually asked her if she wanted to go with me to the canteen to get coffee.


And that we did.

LIMBO

7 years ago, I wrote of him. I wrote stories about him.

I wrote about how we met, our first date, our succeeding dates and our conversations, whether it was over sms or in person.

I wrote about how he made me feel and how I felt about him. And without even realizing it, I had documented every facet and every minute detail of the time we spent together.

Although things didn't end the way I had hoped it would back then, I charged everything to experience. And over the years, I guess those couple of months of sleepless nights and endless conversations over coffee and cigarettes paid off because we would eventually become the best of friends.

This year, we both took a leap of faith.  It was not something we had planned on doing nor was it something that we ever saw looming in the horizon.  It was not a bridge we thought we would ever cross but there it was, unavoidable, unpreventable and inescapable.  And like two friends daring each other to jump off a cliff and dive into unknown waters, we looked into each other's eyes, held each other's hands, hoped for the best and took a plunge.  The plunge.

I can't even begin to tell you how beautiful it was, diving and exploring the great deep together. How do I explain the euphoria of being inlove with your own bestfriend?  I am not even going to try.  But let's just say that for the first time in a very, very, very, very, very long time, I was simply happy.  So this is how it felt like to be loved for everything you are. I loved the person I became with him. I'm not certain if he feels the same but I can confidently say that I was with someone who would love me at my best and be there for me at my worst.  Suddenly, all the relationships I had before were a far cry from this one. Sure, I still had my fair share of personal problems but knowing that someone will be there for me at the end of the day trumped them all.

And my fervent prayer was that when we couldn't hold our breath any longer and had to emerge from the water to inhale, that we would still be the same people looking into each other's eyes, holding each other's hands, hoping for the best. I believed that we would still have each other even if a huge wave should come and sweep us away to a rocky shore.

I knew I would write about him again.  There has always been something about him that just inspired me.  I knew I would always write our story.    But this time with a different ending, a happier one.  Quite the opposite of 7 years ago, I hoped and prayed.

Getting into this, I knew it was going to be a double-edged sword.  And here is the sword now, twisting my insides.  I was never one to believe in "time outs", "cool-offs" or the proverbial "giving each other space", because my life and my emotions do not have a pause button.  Neither do I have the power to skip from one scene to the next.  My life is not a movie on Blu-ray.  My life is real.

But here I am now, here we are now.  In a relationship that is in limbo.  He's still my bestfriend and I still want to be more. But I don't know what to do.  And if you know me well, you know how I hate feeling helpless.

"Win him back, sounds like he lost you.", a very good friend told me earlier.

Like he was ever mine to win.

And while I've always deemed myself as quite competitive, when did love ever become a contest?  Why would something so wonderful that used to be so effortless now require me to prove my worth?

So here I am., writing what I hope is not the end of his our story. Here I am, still wishing for a happier ending.

Dear Friend,

Today you told me that you were inlove. AGAIN.  

I'm jealous of you.  Jealous of your ability to fall inlove so easily.  Jealous of your short recovery period.  Jealous of how easy it is for you to just open your heart and trust again.

How do you that?

Love,
Bunny

I'M HUNG IN THE GREY OF A CLOUD

If there are two things that I know I will love doing for the rest of my life, it is listening to songs and writing.  My trusty iPod has been my bestfriend for the past week, providing me with the comfort I so need right now.

Most days, I just put it on shuffle mode and it surprisingly plays songs that I need to hear.  I swear, sometimes I think my iPod has a life of it's own because of its ability to sense my emotions.

Today, it played this song by Cynthia Alexander. To me, this poem in rhythm talks about sensing loss.  Maybe it's a song about slowly giving up or surrendering, because

"I'm playing with shadows cold, it's getting too dark to play."

Out of over 5,000 songs, my iPod chose this.  And I've had it on repeat since this morning.

How do we stand in the bravelight?

Those burning one hundred eight eyes staring

Blow out the candle, tiptoe silence

And bury me deep in the

Cracks in the red of your room

I’m playing with shadows cold

It’s getting too dark to play

How do we stand in the bravelight?

Those burning one hundred eight eyes staring

You quickly colour me out

And forget this

I’m hung in the grey of a cloud

You pretend that I don’t exist, remember me?

Unfortunately, it is getting too dark to play

Joaquin and I were saying our bedtime prayer last night when I suddenly burst into tears.  He couldn't see me because he was in front of me and I had my arms around him while we were praying.

When we returned to bed, my tear ducts gave way again and usually, I would just be silent and let the tears flow. But this time, I heard myself sobbing.  For a few seconds I forgot that my son was right beside me because he suddenly asked, "What's wrong, Mama?"

I smiled, wiped my tears and asked him to give me a goodnight hug and a big goodnight kiss.  My little boy is not a cuddler (like me) and he would normally just give me a quick hug, a big kiss on the lips then go to sleep.  But last night, he hugged me a little longer and while he patted my shoulder, he said "It's okay. Joaquin's here."

So I ended up crying more.

And for the first time, I allowed my son to see that I was no super mom who was insusceptible to pain.  For the first time, I allowed my son to see that I am just human.

I'll admit and I can't believe I'm actually going to put this in black and white, but this is the weakest I have been in I honestly don't know how long.  

Work usually gets me occupied and with my GM on a 2-week leave, work has been crazy crazy.  I've been working longer hours and most days, I bring more work home.  But it's not helping.  It's not making me forget. I wish I had an emotional faucet.

Last Monday, a friend saw me and asked me how I am and I cheerfully replied, "I'm okay, happy!".  She stared at me and said,  "Your eyes give you away, Buns."

Dammit.

Yesterday, 3 people asked me what I wanted for Christmas.  Sa totoo lang, isa lang naman gusto ko.  And sadly, it is not something that can be bought.  And it is something only one person can give me.

Have a good day, people.  Be happy.

Dearest Joaquin,

Last night, after reading you "Green Eggs and Ham" (I'm so proud that you can now read the words "green", "eggs", "and", "ham", "tree", "box", "fox", "house" and "mouse") and while getting you ready for bed, I asked:

Me: Are you happy?
You: Yes!
Me: Why?
You: Coz I'm not crying.
Me: Do you think mama is happy?
You: Yes
Me: Why?
You: Because you love.

And ULTIMATELY, you're right.  At 5 years old, you have already learned one of the most important lessons in life:  Giving love is a rich source of happiness.  So be generous with it. And along with giving, be open to receiving,  Let it come in.

But I wish I could also tell you that sometimes, love gives you pain.  The kind that makes you want to curl up in a ball and just disappear.  You are too young to know this but maybe one day you will learn that the people you love the most will also be the same people who can give you the most heartache and make you the most mad. There's a very thin line between love and hate, Joaquin.  It's part of being close to someone.  It is an inevitable dark side of love.  But if there is an ample amount of respect, trust, laughter and friendship, and if the two of you can look past each other's faults and forgive from the heart, then you're going to be okay.  Trust me on that.  Remember that the moments you spend with a person you love will always add up to something extraordinary.  It starts to get tricky when things are not so great but if you can still find joy from your closeness, that my dear is what you call a blessing.


I wish I could tell you as early as now that sometimes, loving means someone else's happiness is more important than your own. I recently heard myself saying this while talking to your Tita April and she said it was one of the most mature things she has ever heard.  Your Guakong used to tell me, "Anak, isusubo ko na lang, ibibigay ko pa sayo."  Love entails sacrifices, for as long as those sacrifices don't get in the way of your values. I learned this the hard way, Joaquin and I hope no one ever puts you in that kind of position. Never ever compromise your values or your real self. Love doesn't do that.

Somewhere in the future, you will discover and be amazed at how resilient one's heart can be.  It will break over and over and over again but it will still thrive. It really is a mystery that I don't think even Einstein will be able to explain. 


So why is Mama telling you all this?  Because as much as I know that I will do everything in my power to protect and save you from getting hurt, I know that I can never save you from a broken heart.  You're a smart kid but even the most intelligent people in the world cannot escape the agony of being inlove. 


And a few years from now (or pwede bang when you're 30 na? kidding! haha!), it is bound to happen and you'll have to deal with it on your own. I will always be there for you, but when it comes to the matters of the heart, the people who care about you can only do so much. At the end of the day, how you recover will always be up to you.


Lastly, don't be hasty and inconsiderate of other people's hearts.  Be sincere, honest and responsible.  Let me share with you a quote from one of my favorite books, "The Little Prince": "


"You become responsible, forever, for what you have tamed."




I love you.


Mama

For the past 3 weeks, I've been hanging out at one of the bathroom stalls at work a lot.

I wish I could say I'm having bowel problems.  Yes, I WISH. That would have been better.

The bathroom stall is the only place at work where I can really be alone.  It's the only place at work where I can cry without anyone seeing me.  It's the only place at work where I can stop trying to be stoic.(Trying being the operative word)

Stoic, hahaha. I used to be sooo good at acting all cool even when there was pandemonium inside of me. Now, ewanko na.

My 2 closest friends at work ask me all the time if I'm okay and I tell them I am but I know they know I'm lying.  This morning, I was behind my desk with my head bent down and when I looked up, there they were, staring at me.

Even my very good friend, Kookie, who made me her model for her make-up class last week said I looked so sad.

I wish I could tell you exactly why.  But where do I even begin?  How do I even start to explain something that even I can't fully understand.

All I know is it's breaking me to bits. I don't think I've ever felt so helpless.  And so in the dark.

Ohkay, here I go again. Time to go back to the bathroom stall.

ONE THING OFF MY BUCKET LIST

This photo is for Jason, who 6 years ago made me promise to try surfing and assured me that I would love it.

I did :)

Joaquin and I spent the long weekend in La Union and learning to surf was an amazing way to clear my head.  All I could think of was how these huge waves were going to hit me, how I would manage to get up on the surfboard while waves were coming down on me and how I would find my balance so I can just stay there.  It was a nice escape from my reality.

My arms hurt like hell but it was all worth it.

How did you spend your long weekend?

I SING

As a child, my mom encouraged me to sing along to songs during mass.  If she caught me not singing, she would nudge me and remind me that singing is like praying twice--it's stronger.  So I sang.

So it shouldn't be a surprise when I tell you that I was a member of the children's choir from age 6-13.  I sang every Sunday at 10am.

During my teenage years, I was still pretty active in Church. I was a member of the praise ministry and head of the dance ministry.

I don't think I have a beautiful voice but I've always kept to heart what Mama said about singing to God.


Going to the point of this entry--I usually start my Mondays with loud music to get me psyched for work.  But not today.

As soon as Joaquin left for school, I locked the door to my room, sat on my bed and sang this song.

They used to make me do a solo of this song during prayer meetings. There was one prayer meeting where I played this on the piano while I sang. This has always been my love song for Him. And it's a song that everyone will be able to relate to.

Because no one is perfect.

Last week was tough. My faith was tried.

But like the casino, you can gamble all you want, test it with all your might--But at the end of the day, the house always wins. He always wins.

And so I sing.

"Storms will come and storms will go.
Wonder just how many storms it takes until
I finally know, You're here always.
Even when my skies are far from gray,
I can stay,Teach me to stay there"

I see red, blue, green and purple
in my new favorite happy dress
But whatever this outfit is supposed to make me feel
Ah, I digress!

The sun is shining,
and so are my lips
But the smile they used to come with
Today, is remiss

I don't know what to write next
Tired of these sad, sad lines
Hopefully things change for the better
But whether or not they do
I have to convince myself I'll be fine

WHY I SPENT THE MORNING SOBBING

A few minutes after publishing my blog entry this morning, someone very dear to me messaged me online.  We've been leaving each other messages all week coz we never seem to catch each other online. We don't see each other or talk to each other often but when we talk, we really talk.

My cousin, A.

She's one of the strongest women I know.  She's a good person and has done more than enough for her family.  A few months ago, at only 2 months old, she and her husband lost their only son.  I remember crying with her over the phone because she was in so much pain and I knew that there was absolutely nothing I could say to help her feel better. I remember how in between choking on tears, she still managed to say "My son fought a good fight. He's tired and he needs to rest".

And don't even get me started on the fact that this happened a day before her birthday.

We talked about our struggles (I seem to be using this word a lot lately) and our battles.

We talked about how we are starting to doubt if the karmic law of the universe really works.

Why do bad things happen to good people?  Anong klaseng karma yun?

She told me about her friend--such a good person, served the church all her life.  She now has a daughter who was diagnosed with some disease and the doctors say she will only live till she's 5.

She told me about a highschool classmate who smuggles cars and drugs for a living.  He lives in Forbes, his kids go to IS, he is living the life!

Yoohoo, karma, where the hell are you? And why aren't you doing what you're supposed to do?

So I told her about my prayers.  I told her how I don't want to question God but how my prayers sometimes go, "Wala naman akong ginagawang masama. Mabait naman ako. So, bakit ganito?  My ex-husband, who won't provide a single cent for support is able to buy really expensive gadgets while I have to do accounting before even deciding to buy a cheap pair of shoes. Lord, how is that in any way-- fair?"


A said she is very familiar to that kind of prayer. She hasn't prayed since her son passed away, but she knows that in time, she will make peace with Him.

I told her that He will understand.

"He better understand! Wala siyang choice no!  I tell Him all the time that He owes me big time. And He better make it right!"-- A


Don't get me wrong-- I'M GRATEFUL. VERY GRATEFUL. The Lord has saved me many many times but while I was having this conversation with my cousin, I suddenly felt that I have reached the point where it's just not fair anymore.  What has the world come to?  It has gotten to the point where I am starting to question WHY and WHAT WE HAVE DONE to deserve to be in this kind of situation.

I know some of you will say, 'test lang yan'.  But have you guys ever felt na parang minsan, exag na?  Have you ever talked to God and said "Lord, hindi pa nga ako tapos sa isa, meron ulit?  Sa iba mo na lang ibigay. Masyado mo naman ako favorite!"


When I told my cousin that our chat conversation has left me crying, she told me that that really is all we can do: cry, wipe our tears and face the next minute.

I told her about my issue with crying: 1. It doesn't solve anything. 2. It's exhausting. 3. It only makes me feel weaker.

This was what she had to say:

"Basta if you need to cry, you cry. Don't hold it in because your pain will find another way to manifest.   I've learned that crying does not always mean weakness, its allowing yourself to feel what you need to feel so that it doesn't fester."

Buntong hininga.

I had a few other things to say but I think I'll stop here.  Coz I'm crying again.

And I need a drink.

CHEESY KUNG CHEESY

I woke up this morning feeling like this day is going to suck.

But while I was en route to work, this song played on my iPod and it somehow made me feel better.

And on cue, the BF called.

So call me cheesy, mushy or a cornball but this song has been on repeat on my iPod since I got to the office.

P.S.
Hun, thanks for taking me to see Stomp last night.
What a fun date! I love you!


Every time I close my eyes
I thank the lord that I've got you
And you've got me too
And every time I think of it
I pinch myself cuz I don't believe it's true
That someone like you loves me too 

ANGEL BRIGADE

At around 1pm last Sunday, I found myself at home with nothing to do. I was browsing through facebook when I came across my one of my pakners, Charo's status inviting volunteers to help pack relief goods for typhoon victims. I had absolutely nothing planned for the day so I thought I might as well be useful.

Dragged my buddy, JM to come with me and an hour later, we found ourselves at the Frank Provost building along Jupiter.

Charo was already there when we arrived.  There were probably 6 or 8 people working.  As soon as we got there, they taught us what to pack and how to pack it and  we were off to work. A few minutes later, 4 more people (including a pretty little girl) arrived. We were able to pack 700 bags in 3 hours! Aweesssoommee!

It was a rush! It was a different kind of high that I haven't felt in a looong time.  And I'm sooo doing it again.

And I hope you guys help out too. It will only take 3-4 hours of your time. And the euphoria you will feel after doing it is amazing.

It's a great workout as well.  You'll be lifting and doing cardio and helping at the same time. Now, isn't that just grand?

Here are our pictures with Angel Brigade's lucky bag! This bag was donated during Ondoy and eversince it arrived, donations just came pouring in.

Storage area

Production area

That's my friend, JM, pretending that he feels weird about holding a shiny shimmering handbag. Hahaha!

 
Join Angel Brigade! They really need more volunteers!

Angel Brigade
2/f Franck Provost Building
120 Jupiter Street
Makati

LAST NIGHT

After kissing me goodnight, Joaquin held my face with both hands and smiled.

"Is Mama beautiful?", I asked.

"No. Joaquin is beautiful.", was his reply.

"Whaaat? But how about Mama?", I answered with a pout.

"Mama is happy."

I hugged my son so tight and said "You're right, Babe. Mama is happy."

Hearing him say those 3 words made my day.


I may be struggling with a lot of things but at least I'm happy.  It makes me even happier that at 4, my son already seems to know that at the end of the day, that is all that matters.

Source: Picture Depot

Dear Papa,

I saw Real Steel last night and it made me think of you.  I somehow felt like the little boy in the film--his Dad went through hell and back and yet he was still proud of him.  I will always be proud of you.


I haven't dreamt about you in a loooooong time, Pa. The last time was a couple of weeks before my wedding.  That dream will always be my favorite.  Super gwapo ka dun eh!

I miss dreaming about you. I just kind of need you right now. I need you to tell me that I'm going to be fine and that everything will fall right into place.  I need your assurance that I will be okay. I sort of need to know that you're still there, watching over us. Please always always always help me to make the right decisions in life.

Can I please see you in my dreams soon? Pa! DREAMS lang ha. Wag mo ako dadalawin, hindi ko kakayanin--alam mo yan! (pareho tayong duwag, tiba? *apir*)  :D

Miss you na, SUPER.

Labyu,
Bunny

zZz...

I've been sleepy since Sunday. I don't think my body has recuperated from Friday.

I woke up at 5am last Friday and was in the office just before 7.  My car was coding so earlier that day, I had already decided to stay in the office till 7pm.  I had work to finish anyway. My original plan was to head home at 7pm, have dinner with Joaquin, rest, then go back to the office at midnight to get some of my co-workers before heading to Sucat to go to the wake of our co-worker's Mom.

But later that day, I got an invite from my boss to watch Lisa Macuja's farewell performance of Swan Lake with her college friends and I agreed to go.  Regret it, I did not! She was amazing!  I can't believe she's 47!  The ballet ended at 10:30 (by this time, super antok na talaga ako), then we had dinner at a Korean restaurant where my boss' friend made us try this:

Yook Hwe (Image Source: Winkypedia)

Yes, it's shredded raw beef.  Very much like Steak Tartare, Korean style.  The one we had was served exactly like this with a siding of sliced singkamas. I was super apprehensive about eating it. Hello, may blood pa! But I LOVED IT!!! Sarap sarap sarap saraaap! I wouldn't have it as a meal though. It's something I would share with friends.

After our late dinner, Boss and I headed back to the office to meet our co-workers. I was supposed to bring my car but my boss insisted we just take hers.  It was raining really hard. We stayed at the wake till 3am and got back to the office at 5am. Now you're probably wondering why it took us 2 hours from Sucat to Makati? We were stranded for over an hour at our co-worker's village gate because flood was waist-deep.  We finally had the guts to brave the flood (we prayed and prayed and prayed!), but later on found ourselves caught in a standstill right after Manila Memorial.  Flood ulit?  Sugod ulit! Hehehe!

I was awake for 24 hours!!!  Went to bed at 5:30am and woke up before 9am so I can spend time with the little boy before getting ready for a gala I was attending with J.

Hindi naman obvious na wala akong tulog, tiba? :)

My entire Sunday was spent bonding with Joaquin.  We did his homework, watched TV, read a book, played with the iPad, slept (i slept, he played. haha!).  He also did this:

"Joaquin is strong, Mama!"

Those are real dumbbells, weighing 1.5kg each. Hahaha!  He got tired after lifting it twice.

I have a bit of news pala--I am going to be interviewed for a magazine article.  It's not going to be just me, there will be a few other people as well.  Details soon! :)

Have a good week, you guys!  It's almost 2pm na pala and I still haven't had lunch.  I'm waiting for my boss to arrive with my quarter pounder meal (we made a bet last week and I won, mwahahaha!).


Now I'm hungry and sleepy. BAD.

Dear J,

I'm not the easiest person to be in a relationship with.  I'm a mess, really.

By now, you already know how stubborn I am.  And my moods will sometimes get the best of me.

Like last night.

I'M SORRY. 

Sorry for being a brat. I'm sorry for giving you crap and for being so darn unreasonable. (Can I make PMS an excuse?)

Thank you for not losing your cool. Thank you for putting up with my quirks.

I'd sing this song for you if I could (vocalize muna ako), because it's everything I really want to say.

I know you think I'm tough and independent and I know that I sometimes act like I don't need you (It's all a LIE! Hahaha!), but I'll let you in on a little secret-- it is when I am acting all macho that I am at my weakest.

So, I hope you stay strong for me. And I promise--I'll do everything to make it worth your time :)

I love you.

When I’ve shown you that I just don’t care
When I’m throwing punches in the air
When I’m broken down and I can’t stand
Will you be strong enough to be my man?

Lie to me
I promise I’ll believe
Lie to me
But please don’t leave 

BACK TO REGULAR PROGRAMMING

Last week was crazy.  I had no helpers and I had to bring Joaquin to work with me everyday (except Tuesday, because of typhoon Pedring).  

He water-colored our copier (at least colored na!) and it was a good thing my boss saw it right away so she cleaned it up (jaheeee!!!). I love love love my co-workers and my boss for helping me out last week. You guys helped keep me sane.

Carlan and Rose- Thank you for watching Joaquin.  Thanks for letting him stay in your office, Carlan! I know he turned the HR office upside down, hahaha! Salamat sobra!

Ms. Nins (my boss)- Thank you for all the toys you brought to keep him busy. Thank you for allowing him to crawl under your table. Hahaha! You're the coolest boss, pero takot pa rin ako sayo :)

Ms. Evs- Thank you for bringing your super cute shih-tzu, Girbaud!  Joaquin had so much fun running around with him.

My graphics team- i love you, boys! Thanks for teaching my son how to tinker with Photoshop. Thank you for the piggy-back rides you gave him.

Tita Vina and Tito Obet (Joaquin pronounces this oh-bet, hahaha!)- Salamat sa pizza, Vins!  Thanks Obet for carrying him around and running after him.

I'm blessed to be working with people who care so much about me and my son.  If this was a different company, they probably wouldn't allow me to bring my son to work.  I am absolutely grateful.


I don't know how I managed to do it, but I did. I brought him to school, to therapy, to work and we ate decent meals everyday.  I also cleaned the house (except the bathroom. Ang hirap nun noh!), did the dishes and fed the dogs.  Fine, I'll admit--there were moments were I just wanted to pull  my hair, sit in a corner and cry but I didn't!  To top it off, the BF was sick with the flu pretty much the whole week so while I was running around like a headless chicken, I was missing him as well. Boohoo!

Joaquin and I spent the weekend in Jardin De Dasmarinas for Xavi's birthday.  It's our 2nd time here and my friends love celebrating parties here because it really is a nice place.  Pools are very clean and rooms are comfy.  And the food! So good and cheap! The chicharon bulaklak is a MUST!

It rained Saturday afternoon but Sunday greeted us with a beautiful sun.  So, we soaked it all up!

Look at the camera, please!

I still can't get over the fact that he now loves to swim! (He got over his fear of the swimming pool during summer school)

And this was the scene when we got home yesterday afternoon..

Knocked out!

So there. My to-do list is crazy today and my Aussie client arrived last Saturday so he's going to be around for the whole week, I think.

But I'm back to regular programming.

Joaquin's Ate L is back.

The BF's fever is gone, sore throat na lang.

And I'm wearing make-up again. (Last week, kahit lip gloss, wala!)

Hahaha!

O sha, I shall get back to work.

Have a great week, guys! Mwaaaahh!!!

SAVED.

Kids are kids.  But sometimes, they manage to say really surprising things--things that may seem prophetic or philosophical.  Sometimes, they will make comments that seem to go beyond their scope of knowledge or understanding. Maybe it's because they see the world differently or maybe they understand a lot more than we give them credit for.

Yesterday afternoon, while helping Joaquin dress up after his bath:

Me: What did you today, Babe?
Joaquin: I eat fried rice and siomai.
Me: And who did you eat with? (In case you're wondering, asking questions and having him answer them is something I like to do to help him tell stories in detail)
Joaquin: Mama and Tito J.
Me: Good job!

While I was helping him put on his shirt,

Joaquin: I like Tito J.
Me: Why do you like Tito J?
Joaquin: Because he save you.
Me: What?
Joaquin: Because he save you.
Me: Again, Joaquin-- why do you like Tito J?
Joaquin: Because he save you.

I froze.  I was so stunned. And I have to admit, a little freaked out.

Where did that come from?  Save me?! First of all, why on earth would my son think that I needed saving?  (Hindi pwede masira ang SuperMom image ko! I am no damsel in distress, excuuusseee mee! Hehe!) And how can he say that J saved me?

And so here goes:

My dearest Joaquin--if there is anyone in this world who has saved me, it is YOU.  Nothing will ever come close to the fulfillment I felt the first time I held you. You have saved me from being complacent with my life. My major decisions are now based on what I think you would think. I want to be the best person possible for you.  My fervent prayer is that you grow up happy and that you'll be proud of me as I am of you.

And to J, you're the best thing that happened to me this year since Joaquin. I will always be grateful to you for saving me from disbelief.  I had confined myself to the fact that it would never happen again and I was fine with it.  Thank you again, for proving me wrong.  You will always rock my world :)

They carry my ♥

"Here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life; which grows
higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart
I carry your heart (i carry it in my heart)"-- E.E. Cummings

The BF surprised me with these Friday night and they're absolutely gorgeous!

Daisies are LOVE.

SPRING CLEANING

Do you love my new URL?

I do i do i dooooo!!!  I was lucky it was still available. O tiba, meant to be!

I am also overjoyed by the number of e-mails I received from readers asking me for the new URL of my blog.  May nagbabasa pa pala. I was really surprised. *kilig*

Aside from changing my blog's URL, I also changed my mobile number a few weeks ago.  Let's just say I'm "spring cleaning" my life.  Time to weed out people who bring nothing but bad vibes!

Like the former blog, it was hard to let go of my old number, I've had that for years.  But some chapters must end. Ties must be cut. Doors must be shut.  Some people have no more room in my life and I want to make darn sure they don't ever come knocking again.

The peace of mind I am currently getting is soooo worth it.

Wag na magpafeel ang mga charoterang isprikitik! (If you haven't seen Zombadings, WHY? Hahaha!)

And have I told you that I'm inlove? *kilig again*

Ayieeeee!!! ♥  I shall make kwento soon.

My little one is doing great.  He is currently obsessed with the piano. If he's not hitting the keys of the real one (we have one at home pero medyo sira sira na), he plays with this app on the iPad.  In fairness to Joaquin, he can't read notes and I really can't say that he knows what he's doing BUT his "music" has a melody ha.

My future Mozart

When I got home last night, I went straight to the kitchen to drop off my lunch box.  Joaquin was already in the room getting ready for bed.  Anyway, I headed back to the living room where my cousin was and he goes:

Cousin: You didn't notice anything when you got in?
Me: Notice what?
Cousin: Hahaha! Joaquin's new pet?
Me: What pet? Where is the kitten???
Cousin: Right in front of you!

And true enough, it was right there on our table.  Tiny tiny black and white furball.

I knew right away the pet my cousin was talking about was a kitten because our neighbor's cat, Chloe gave birth a few weeks ago and my son has been sneaking off to their house every now and then to visit the, what he calls, "kitty kitties".  His Ate L told me once that Joaquin cried going home because he wanted to take the kittens to bed with him.

I hope our helper remembered to return the kitten this morning. It's too tiny. I don't think the kitten which Joaquin has decided to name after his/her mother (he pronounces it Cwowie. Buyuy!) is ready to be detached from his/her mom.  I also don't feel that my son is ready to take care of another living thing.

So there. I'm ecstatic that I can write freely again.  I missed this.

HAPPY HAPPY WEEKEND TO ALL OF YOU!

I have a problem.

Both my helpers are going home to the province this weekend and will be gone for a week.  Fiesta kasi.

So my plan is to stay with Joaquin in school from 730-1030am then bring him to work with me and stay in the office till at least 4pm and finish the rest of my work at home.

Another dilemma is, I am managing a new Australian account (7am to 4pm) starting Monday, so ewanko na.

I'm talking to my boss today and hoping hoping hoping that she will be okay with that. *crossing my fingers*


One thing is certain:  Next week will be a kaloka week! 

I'm not much of a worrywart but there is one thing I always always always fret about:

Who will take care of Joaquin when I'm gone?

This questions brings me to tears everytime.


While my heart believes that my awesome son will eventually overcome or at the very least manage his bout with autism , a part of me can't help but ask--What if he doesn't? (By the way, we went to the Dev Ped last month and the diagnosis has now downgraded to PDD-NOS. Dev Ped says he has improved immensely. Sooo grateful!)

There is no cure for autism--this is a very ugly truth I have been forced to accept since his intervention. I am hopeful that therapy, tips from other parents like me, constant research and overflowing love and attention will be enough to help him.


Right now, the only person I can trust to be alone with my son is his caregiver, L, who I hope never leaves him. Even my own sisters can't handle Joaquin. Don't get me wrong, I'm so not taking that against them. I completely understand how challenging being with Joaquin could be. The tantrums/meltdowns can be a little too much to take at times.


Who will take care of Joaquin when I'm gone?

This haunts me. Magkaka-wrinkles na ako kakaisip.

And I will refuse to leave this earth until I am assured that he has someone who will love him just as much as I do.

So here is my answer: Have another child in 2 years, whether I'm in a relationship or not. Whether it's here or in the US. I don't care what people will think, they can judge all they want.

I had a really fun childhood because of my 4 crazy sisters and we have always been there for each other. We may live far away from one another, we may not talk as often as we want to but I know that when the shit hits the fan, they will come running.

And I want Joaquin to have that. I know that he will need that.

And that's the gameplan.

7 years ago, I blogged this quote from Maria Rainer Rilke's "Letters to a Young Poet":

"...have patience with everything unresolved in your heart and to try to love the questions themselves as if they were locked rooms or books written in a very foreign language. Don't search for the answers, which could not be given to you now, because you would not be able to live them. And the point is, to live everything.Live the questions now. Perhaps then, someday far in the future, you will gradually, without even noticing it, live your way into the answer."


Living the answer now :)

TODAY

It's not even noon.

But a big realization hit me today.

It's like that quote I read somewhere about not being able to lose something that really belongs to you.

Today, the universe has shown me that it can happen. Apparently, the rumors are true.

Even if it took the world 7 years.

Did the universe just pull an Alchemist on me? I don't know for sure. But I'm definitely thanking my lucky stars.

I came thisclose to accepting that it would never happen to me again. Not anymore. I'm tired.

And while the past months have kept me smiling, it has also left me unassuming and admittedly, a little pessimistic. Nothing true can ever be this good. And even if it was real, the risk was just too much to take.

Today, I was proven wrong.

And for someone who hates being wrong, today, I am nothing but grateful.

Thank you for an incredible friendship that has blossomed into something more beautiful.

Thank you for taking a leap of faith.

Thank you for taking it with me.

Today, I discovered that the cliche is true-- if it's meant to happen, it will happen.

Stay hopeful, kiddos.

It could happen to you too.

And it's not even noon.

THANKS FOR THE SPERM!

I am hurt for my son.

I am hurt that he has a father who claims that because he is so mad at me, he would rather NOT have a relationship with him.

I mean, really, if you're mad at me, take it out on me. Why take it out on your son?

How mature.

I don't need you, V. For 2 years now, God has shown me that I can do this on my own. But I'd like to think that a son will always need his father and vice versa. I thought your measly brain would at the very least know that.

I was expecting too much, wasn't I? Haha.

Thank you for saying that you regret marrying me. I'm so glad that we've finally agreed on something!

I hope you get what you deserve, whatever that is.

If there is one thing I am sure of, it is this-- You will live your whole life regretting that you did not get to know Joaquin. He is a happy, smart and amazing child who has done nothing but bring me love, love, love and oodles of joy.

While you are nothing but a sperm donor.

*happy thoughts happy thoughts happy thoughts*

Day 05: A song that reminds you of someone

While Papa's death will always be my biggest heartache, Jason's passing has always been my biggest heartbreak.

I just felt and still feel that it wasn't fair that it happened hours before he was going to see me.    Finally going to see me.

I have moved on but I still haven't been able to make sense of it.




"So I wait and I wait
And I run myself in the same old circles
And I sit and I stare
And I run old scenes through my tired head
Of the days that we laid on our backs and said forever
Was that the best I'll ever be"

Day 04: A song that makes you sad

If you guys know me or have been following my blog since Spunky Daisy, then you guys know how much I love my Papa.

If you really know me, you would know that I have never really gotten over his demise. To this day, I often find myself wishing he was still here. There are questions, situations and problems that I know only Papa can help me with. And I always always wish he was alive to see his grandsons.  He would have been awesome with them.  He would spoil them rotten. He would take them on roadtrips. Gabe and Joaquin would make him so so happy.

Sigh.

I miss my dad. Way too much.

I miss exchanging stories and chismis with him.

I miss our midnight dates at hole-in-the-wall places in Malate or China Town.

Savory chicken isn't the same without him.

I miss the way we fight over my "The Best of The Doors" CD. He claims it's his. It's really not.

I miss hearing him laugh. I even miss hearing him curse.

His hugs--I miss how they've always made me feel like no one could ever harm me. I could really use one right now.

I don't know what I would give to just see him one more time. To just hear him call me "Anak".

And yes, I miss dancing with him. He was quite a dancer.  One of these days, I will scan and post the picture of me and Papa dancing around the house.

For now, this song will do. (Grabe, super naiyak naman ako while writing this entry)

"Every night I fall asleep
And this is all I ever dream"

Day 03: A song that makes you happy

"For Now" from the musical (possibly my favorite) Avenue Q is a song that never fails to lift me up.

It's a reminder that nothing is constant in this world aside from death and taxes. The lyrics are hilarious and very, very true!